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Inside Ugly

Posted 24th February 2013 at 14:11 by Drimma

"And I was born a little damaged man,
And look what they made"

-Velvet Morning, The Verve


I woke up so serene, eyes still clouded with the mist from my dreams. I reached for fruit and called it breakfast in bed. Searched for my favourites on the screen and soaked in someone else's dreams.

Lonesome weekend, how come I never learnt how to be? Is this my curse for not believing?

At two o'clock I got on my feet, unknowing it was the last of my peace.

It seemed a simple equation. I paid more therefore I was owed more. She begrudged me, my sister begrudged me and my mother too begrudged me this. I lifted the thing anyway wrestling with it's awkward shape.

Is it my fathers fault he didn't teach me to deal with anger? Or the curse of nerves meant I could never learn?

"Put it down" they yelled "Your not allowed....by Dad... Yes I spoke to him...Grow up! - "
"**** you!" I spat labouring with the weight aiming for the door. They ruptured. Coarse words like rusty daggers jabbed at them.
"I'm warning you... Your not the only one that pays... Grow up! ... Don't speak to her like that -"
"Don't speak to me at all!"

I seem too search for loneliness everywhere. What is so scary out there my mind would rather remain closeted in fear?

"Hello, hello? Can you speak to him and tell him he can't?"
I halted only to here the raspy potentate begrudge me too. It transpired they'd rather reimburse me. I gave it up. But it wasn't the last of it.

She found me later trying to reclaim my quite with a request. I refused it flatly but no throb of satisfaction run through me. She persisted, insisted since it was beneficial to all. I roared. Circumstances do not make the man... and I revealed my ugliness to myself. The coarse words wouldn't do so I shoved. I erupted.

Why is the path of least resistance always anger for the waters of my emotions?
Nature or nurture?


Across the distance of silence you looked so strong but I should have known you're not made of stone. I've been sinking for a while now, this is the clearest signpost yet. Driven to my depths by the dull but mighty force of inertia. Collected myself in the cold calm of solitude, in my aching aloneness that I fought so hard for.

What's this in me? A bird that wants to fly but clips its own wings.

The guilt overwrought me, sallied the scene of my serenity with darkness. Weighed my head down to my lap, lodged itself uneasily in my bowels; I went to the toilet. Alcohol could not dislodge it.

I don't want these emotions give me new emotions... the kind I never feel.

But my ugliness, how to resolve the ugliness? The bitterness that breeds from loneliness.

When did it first sink its roots? Where's the constant gardener to uproot them?

Apologize. It was the thing to do but I hesitated, debated. Resolved to make it sincere but I was new to this. I had to search for the words, was unsure, deliberated them before offering them.

"I'm sorry, about the shoving and the swearing. That was uncalled for I really just lost my cool." She accepted, calmly. It calmed me.

Apologies cleanse the pores of the soul. The serenity returns slowly. Slowly I go back to my serenity.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    You write like Nietzsche. Can't understand either of you . Glad you got your serenity back .
    Posted 25th February 2013 at 14:58 by Narwhal Narwhal is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Drimma's Avatar
    haha ... no I think Nietzsche might have the edge on me

    Was actively trying to be obscure cause it's about me acting like a d*ck and feeling the guilt. Wanted to hide my shame.

    I was hoping to do a Malick; reviewing the scene and questioning at each turn the motive/cause.

    Ty lol
    Posted 26th February 2013 at 02:17 by Drimma Drimma is offline
 

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