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The minimalists have a point

Posted 11th May 2018 at 23:04 by mutedsoul

This week, last two weeks, I feel like I have been the most mentally comfortable, confident (still shy though), I have been in a long time. I feel like how I felt as a child, maybe that is how I am meant to feel?

In return with feeling more positive I have noticed that lots of people seem to react more positively to me. I have been able to small talk with the students I clean for and sometimes received a treat in return, gotten on better with some colleagues and it feels like my head has been much clearer so I am able to focus on what has to be done, rather than thinking over negative incidents that happened in the past. The main problem now feels like how am I able to maintain positive interaction with students, and not do repeat conversations. The positive interactions have made it feel like it's okay to be me, I am still not comfortable being my complete self though as I worry I would be too feminine for some, too soft and nice, not sporty enough, not humorous enough and too serious.

But I have also mentally distanced myself from people that used to contribute to my anxiety or add salt to my negative energy. Idk how right or wrong I am, but I have thought of these people acting bad or patronising, not because of me but there own problems. Happy people don't feel the need to try and hurt another person.

One thing I have noticed that has helped me be more positive is having a more accepting mentality. Trying to realise that I can't control everything so shouldn't waste my energy on something that doesn't go as I expected. Also I feel less of a need to be seen as talented at x or y, or as a perfectionist. I feel I have learnt this from observing my colleagues, the supervisor, seems to hide a lot of her feelings and thoughts, likes to tell people what they are doing wrong etc. I feel she gets some respect however doesn't seem to build bonds with others, I notice that she usually doesn't sit close to colleagues when having lunch. It's like she wants to be seen as the best, or thinks she is better than others. I may be wrong though. Whereas, another colleague seems much more open, seems to enjoy life and without trying has strengths and weaknesses. She seems to take life as it goes, rather than try to control what she can't control. She seems able to connect with so much people that it makes me envious, however I know I can never be someone else so have to accept myself.

These two weeks I have also been making sure to get enough sleep and mainly focused on work. It feels like I have been focused on less things. This has meant that I am able to put the quality into what I am focused on. Before I would see work as a means to make money to do what I enjoy outside of work and for music production, and tbh work is still for that. But I would be so focused on my life outside of work that I would be often a bit late to work. At work, think of my life outside of work that I didn't make much effort to do my job as well as I could. Also felt negative as I couldn't do what I wanted to do and instead had to travel to work and other stuff. I was trying to control things that I couldn't really control which resulted in negative energy and stress.
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