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Family and environment issues

Posted 13th May 2018 at 14:23 by mutedsoul

I actually feel it would be for the best to move out, however I also know that there are some toxic house shares and that I have to be organised and have my stuff together if I want a house share to go well.

The weekend as well as the end of last week I have felt a bit ill, I think I have a flu. This has kind of been frustrating as recently I have felt positive and then this has made me feel a bit shittier. It like I feel background frustration with my mother though I am trying to not let it build up.

As I have noticed though how my colleagues, ofwhom most are mothers. I have just noticed how emotionally unavailiable my mum is at most times and how dysfunctional my family is. This weekend little things such as my mum never saying "Hello," cooking only for herself. Usually only asking for stuff when she speaks to me. Saying she doesn't have money yet being able to drive and buy cigarettes just show how unavailiable my mum seems. I know I am an adult and can and do make food for myself and stuff, but these colleagues also have kids the same age as me yet I imagine they wouldn't spare a thought to help their kids or cook for them. They would actually try to talk and listen to their kids.

I know that my mum is mentally ill and maybe if she had more love she would be a bit better. I find love and being listened to helps me mentally. On Saturday I decided to help sweep the stairs when I got up as they are usually dirty. I said Good morning to my mum, but tbh it felt hard to show love to her.

Thinking about it I don't know much of my family, but I do feel, even if some of my extended family are doing better than my mum, some of them are also dysfunctional with their problems. My granny hasn't seen us for about 10 years. But I remember, as soon as a family friend came she would not listen to us and become extra strict, it was like we had to put on a show. My other grandaunt only ever comes when my mum is in the mental hospital. Last time she came, as I was unemployed she started telling my sister how I was sick like my mother. She has no understanding of mental illness. She hasn't really spoken to me much yet judge me. Recently I sent her some messages regarding the incident, idk if it was the best way to deal with stuff but noticed some pain when doing so. I have came to the conclusion though that she doesn't know me me and if she feels the need to look down on me she obviously has problems.

I have quite a few questions while writing this. I have never met my mum's sister or brother, idk much of my extended family. I know I can visit them but I also wonder why they haven't visited us. Apparently some extended family, that live in the UK, who never visit us have a child. So I have a niece or nephew that I don't know. I don't know if I want to meet them as they stopped meeting us 10 years ago, I feel there is tension in the relationship.

It feels like my true family, those who care for me, are mostly not my biological family.
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  1. Old Comment
    Daniel1984's Avatar
    I got fed up with thinking it all through the same as you are here, and just stopped talking to everyone. My family is crazy too, they just make me worse.
    Posted 19th May 2018 at 04:56 by Daniel1984 Daniel1984 is offline
 

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