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Some words i wrote in September 2012.

Posted 22nd October 2012 at 17:07 by Matt_1983

I reached a point today where I lost the will, the will to keep up the self pretence that things aren't that bad and my life isn't a horrible world of frustration, anger, loneliness and despair. In a moment of clarity I said to myself that life won't ever be normal, ill never be as happy as I want, ill always live a struggled and unhappy existance. For a while I've forced myself to believe that social anxiety doesn't have to mean an unhappy life, but the reality is it probably does.

In work today I felt such a hopeless feeling of being the outsider, the oddball, the one that doesn't speak. There are people in work whose facial expressions turn to panic when they see me because they just don't know how to handle me. They don't know whether to maintain eye contact, smile, attempt to chat even. It makes me feel like such an outside that I bring this out of people. I wish I was like everyone else, banter and smiles. But I'm so far away from that, so so far, and it pains me to admit I doubt ill ever be one of them.

My work place is a boiling pot of banter, and I'm the steam quietly squirming out the lid, desperate to get away from the bubbles and heat, physically unable to mix with them.
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