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How do you minimise envy and become comfortable with yourself?

Posted 11th June 2020 at 00:12 by imperfect_perfectionist

This question came to mind because of a few recent events.

(This was meant to be a question but changed to a blog)

My workplace has a Zoom meeting every Wednesdays. It's a casual one where we just meet up and talk to each other. Some people miss the meetings every few weeks. I missed this one and last weeks as I couldn't really be bothered to go. I called my colleague after though to say if there was any news on going back and he said no.

With the recent protests I have thought a lot about how I feel that I have been treated unfairly at work for being socially awkward, and no it's not me just thinking it, people do treat other people differently.

However at the same time, I am definitely not perfect. I am so insecure at times that I also feel threatened by certain people and insecure. I feel the need to prove myself. That isn't a healthy foundation for healthy communication and gives way to being treated differently and stuff as others may also pick up on that, be insecure their selves and act it out to me etc.

I think I am so insecure that if I genuinely like to do something, I am doing the thing cause I like it yes, but then I am also doing it for some validation if I was to be completely honest.

It would be great if I could do something and not feel insecure or threatened that I feel like I can help others. I don't have to react to others if they have negative energy and put it out on me. I don't have to put negative energy on others.

The answer is to accept myself but that is much easier to say than to do. I guess it's very possible though if you do it in small steps. I think what makes it difficult is that other do influence how I feel and I think this is human nature as there would be no art if people were not influenced by others and there surroundings. So for instance, my mum never listens to me, this makes it harder to believe in myself if I am around her 24/7. If I am in the kitchen with a chef who says the manager is racist so doesn't go in the managers office ever, makes jokes but also puts down others subtly that it is seen as being bluntly honest rather than him putting you down, that makes me weary.

I also think with my recent, though continuous search for an autism diagnosis I actually feel more like I don't need to accept toxic treatment. Although in all honesty I have to work on my issues and live with some consequences of being insecure and having attachment problems. I think that not being diagnosed as a child, being expected to be socially normal or even popular and confident as a child helped create these problems cause I wasn't taught to accept myself but rather to try and please others.
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  1. Old Comment
    Deer's Avatar
    I would start with, it is really that illogical or bad that you feel envious? You aren't going out attacking folks for it. I get envious alot too. I just expect it now. I am envious of lots of things.

    By the way, did you get a diagnosis or are you still waiting for one?
    Posted 11th June 2020 at 11:15 by Deer Deer is offline
 

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