Pent up frustration (just saying what's on my mind)
Posted 11th July 2016 at 14:03 by Amara 94
I believe I have bottled up anger and it doesn't feel healthy especially as I don't feel I do anything about feeling angry, feel it may lead to a heart attack or something. I was angry from yesterday afternoon, till this morning. A similar pattern of anger happened a few weeks ago. I was feeling so negative that doing one apprenticeship application was hard, I did end up doing one this morning though and the anger seems to have settled, I can't say that it has disappeared.
I read an article this morning and found that I was mostly an avoidant response to anger.
It's not the biggest things that spoil my day, and I feel it's actually the little things cause they are built up on insecurities and unresolved situations.
Yesterday what spoilt my day was I went to the laundromat to get my sister's laundry washed, did mines and mum's on Saturday in a different place. The women that runs the place was obviously in a bit of a bad mood. And she started telling me to "hurry up" when I was loading the washing machine in an irritated voice. I responded angrily that "I am trying." I saw posters that they want new Laudromat staff, have thought of working there but tbh am admittedly holding back as I don't want to work in an environment that I feel wouldn't help me with my current experience of being in some jobs that weren't mentally good for me. Smaller things that also happened added fuel to the fire.
A girl on the estate, that hangs around with the other kid that used to call me names said hi to me in a way as if I had an issue. Idk how to explain, but people give off signs that show that they may have an issue with something you do. And other things that are kind of petty added fuel to the fire.
Now that I look back it seems like my anger is built up on a cycle of unresolved issues and actually is more based on my mindset and thoughts than the actions of others. I do a lot of mind reading.
What got me angry about the girls actions, yeah she is a kid, is the fact that in my estate I feel judged as having a learning disability, mental illness, weird and stuff because I come across as really shy and speak to no one. On top of that I have been to the Mental Hospital back when I was a teenager. I feel I am not taken seriously, or just respected. It's really frustrating when you feel and know that you are as capable as others, but feel judged less capable or as defective by others.
But why can't I just show that I am?
Adding to that was the thought that lots of shopkeepers in my area, as those are the only people I come into contact with see me as lazy and look down on me for not working. Not the most rational of thoughts right?
I need to feel good about myself I think, or do stuff I am proud of. Basically I need to help myself. And react more with what my mind says. If I think something is wrong, rather than keep silent about it I should signal it. Whilst I was at my most angry I was thinking of fighting, although I am not into fighting I don't know if I would take up the martial art class, I trailed before. I know if confronted in the same way about my confidence though to explain about my anxiety. For ****s sake, I have been the silent person in class since high school so it's a tad unrealistic to expect me to all of a sudden just be confident and be able to shout words.
If only I had a therapist to share this with.
I read an article this morning and found that I was mostly an avoidant response to anger.
It's not the biggest things that spoil my day, and I feel it's actually the little things cause they are built up on insecurities and unresolved situations.
Yesterday what spoilt my day was I went to the laundromat to get my sister's laundry washed, did mines and mum's on Saturday in a different place. The women that runs the place was obviously in a bit of a bad mood. And she started telling me to "hurry up" when I was loading the washing machine in an irritated voice. I responded angrily that "I am trying." I saw posters that they want new Laudromat staff, have thought of working there but tbh am admittedly holding back as I don't want to work in an environment that I feel wouldn't help me with my current experience of being in some jobs that weren't mentally good for me. Smaller things that also happened added fuel to the fire.
A girl on the estate, that hangs around with the other kid that used to call me names said hi to me in a way as if I had an issue. Idk how to explain, but people give off signs that show that they may have an issue with something you do. And other things that are kind of petty added fuel to the fire.
Now that I look back it seems like my anger is built up on a cycle of unresolved issues and actually is more based on my mindset and thoughts than the actions of others. I do a lot of mind reading.
What got me angry about the girls actions, yeah she is a kid, is the fact that in my estate I feel judged as having a learning disability, mental illness, weird and stuff because I come across as really shy and speak to no one. On top of that I have been to the Mental Hospital back when I was a teenager. I feel I am not taken seriously, or just respected. It's really frustrating when you feel and know that you are as capable as others, but feel judged less capable or as defective by others.
But why can't I just show that I am?
Adding to that was the thought that lots of shopkeepers in my area, as those are the only people I come into contact with see me as lazy and look down on me for not working. Not the most rational of thoughts right?
I need to feel good about myself I think, or do stuff I am proud of. Basically I need to help myself. And react more with what my mind says. If I think something is wrong, rather than keep silent about it I should signal it. Whilst I was at my most angry I was thinking of fighting, although I am not into fighting I don't know if I would take up the martial art class, I trailed before. I know if confronted in the same way about my confidence though to explain about my anxiety. For ****s sake, I have been the silent person in class since high school so it's a tad unrealistic to expect me to all of a sudden just be confident and be able to shout words.
If only I had a therapist to share this with.
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