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A few confessions of a Socially Anxious male

Posted 15th September 2018 at 22:27 by healingsoul

So I live in a council estate. I grew up there but never played outside. As a result, mixed with bullying growing up, I am scared or anxious of certain people on the estate and avoid certain areas.

Recently though I have began challenging my fear, since rationally it is an irrational one. Today I walked past a group of male youths who hang around in a corner of the estate. They look intimidating, like roadmen, but they can't be that bad. I got the feeling that they spoke about me or indirectly confronted me about me looking anxious. As I went back home, I decided to take the same path and this time they laughed when I past them.

I haven't had many positive interactions with my peers on my estate. One instant is when I used to be into roller skating, about 8 years ago. A gang of teenagers were hanging around and one shouted that I was a neet and other negative things, I can't remember.

However, I feel if I see the group of lads again I am not avoiding them again, at least on a physical level. Because it seems like my view of them and there view of me is based entirely on assumptions. I may come across negatively due to my anxiety though. It feels like cause I literally don't really speak to anyone on my estate I have to live up to what I think there assumption of me is and I have my assumptions of most people I see on the estate.

Most of my acquaintances I feel are built on assumptions due to my passiveness and anxiety.

I feel my anxiety and the limitations, which are harder than anxiety itself, maybe make me a miserable person most times. I feel maybe I react angrily to my mum as a result of the problems prolonged anxiety has caused in my life. I haven't spoken to my extended family for years, but I remember one Granny who was really grumpy and always had a sad face, I don't want to turn out like her and need to prevent life from making me that way.

I feel my aunt from my last job, and the rare times that I feel happy have showed me that I am not literally an unlikable person. When I feel happier or calmer, most people are literally nicer to me. So I have to aim for achieving that state of calmness and knowing how to deal with anxiety and problems in my life.

I feel I can't force myself happy, I have to deal with the obstacles in my life and face my fears. Not necessarily to feel happier but to achieve a sense that things are alright and a level of calmness that I am able to be happier and less irritated.
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