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Self Acceptance

Posted 11th June 2018 at 22:42 by healingsoul

Over the weekend, Saturday, I felt depressed and down on how it seems like I can't connect with people and how it had seemed that way as a kid. I was thinking I must be autistic or something. The thought was so strong in my mind that I felt I had to let a colleague that I am comfortable with know.

I thought the message was weird I pointed out how I think I may have autism but also asked how her day was and that I would not send "depressing"posts again. After I thought, why did I do it, I knew why but it was a bit ott. But I also felt that at least I am being vulnerable with the colleague and that our friendship was honest.

She responded and today told me how I was a good friend. I think because bringing out how I felt showed trust. Though at the time I was depressed and needed a release. Sending the message made me feel better. She also told me that I should go out and just speak to people. Speak without thinking or fear. She is a social butterfly.

Thinking about her advice, it means learning to be okay with my weaknesses and strengths cause tbh, hiding your weaknesses requires thinking when you speak and I have been doing this too much of my life. I have to come to terms with my dorky, socially and culturally inept self I guess, though these are things that I can work on.

Today at lunch,the colleague who is my friend usually speaks a lot. Lately, I have noticed to other colleagues that I feel like a third wheel. I have gotten really sad over this. Today since it was only me and the other colleagues were speaking Spanish to each other she seemed bored, was on her phone more than usual. After lunch I felt sad about this that I decided to book an appointment to discuss my social issues and referral straight after. However after 20 minutes or so I got over the sadness, by sending the message I was showing honesty and if she was bored at lunch or found it hard to converse with me, then she found it hard or boring. With all the relationship difficulties that I have had maybe I am a bad conversationalist and have to accept it so I can work on it.

I met her to do the park bins with her towards the end of work. I got over the situation at lunch. We had a conversation about another colleague. I noticed when I spoke a bit slower, I guess a bit more confidently and clearer it seemed like she was more able to listen to me.
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