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Day 1. Comfort zone challenge / Social anxiety exposure.

Posted 12th September 2017 at 18:26 by Boy

** Day 1 was yesterday, but I was too exhausted to blog it, so doing this today and will be using the word "today" but it will mean "yesterday". **

Main challenge: Lying down challenge.

I can see how in some way I've grown already. I was planning to start my exposure for 4-5 days before and set a date - Monday, 11th of September.
In the past, when I've been setting dates for exposure and when the date arrived, I was like: "Well, I can skip this day", "I can skip next day" and so on. But today I went out and did what I wanted to do.

Lying down challenge. Went to the town centre and was walking about 10-15 minutes, before I managed to lie down on the ground, while people were walking around me. As with my previous exposures, I've experienced an unexplained feeling. I want to call it a "Near-death experience". Yes. Never had this experience while doing something else, except doing exposure. In some ways it feels like I'm dying, but on the other hand, there's something pleasant in this feeling... It's a 1-2 seconds feeling, appearing just at the moment, when I approach a stranger, or when I just lying down. When first words are spoken, or when I was on the ground today, this feeling disappears.

Something more unpleasant is happening later, it is my anxiety that kicks in. Was kinda anxious lying on the ground and it was embarrassing in some way, I won't hide it.
After 30 seconds on the ground, I stood up and just walked away. Now, I don't know why, but I felt that this was not enough. I can't explain why, I just had this feeling. I walked about 15 minutes more around the town centre and lied down again for 30 seconds.

When I was watching the video of a Till H Gross doing this challenge, he didn't looked like he needed some help while lying down, but I guess I did, because a homeless man and a girl passing by asked me if I need help and if I am alright
If I will continue with my challenges, this will be on my video, as I was wearing my spyglasses camera.

Some people on this forum felt very negative about this challenge and said it will only make things worse and I will embarrass myself. Yes, I probably did embarrassed myself, but I did it on purpose and it felt quite good. I want to embarrass myself or do whatever it takes to make me less dependent on what people are thinking about me.

Another thing. If this would make we feel worse, would I continue doing it? I probably wouldn't and I would just walked home embarrassed. Thing is, I got up and went to the cafe.
This is my extra challenge for today - Visit a new cafe / restaurant where I never been before, order a food and eat in.
It wasn't the best experience, because a few employees gave me a despising looks. This is happens quite often, it is because of the way I look. I look pretty bad and probably intimidating, so it happens, yes. Thing is, this doesn't happen all the time and some people seems just not to care about the way I look and being very friendly and polite, so it's always a gamble, will people be looking at me as on freak or they won't mind it.

To sum up: While walking home I was exhausted, but really proud of myself. I can rest for today

And here's the thought: If today's challenges made things worse for my confidence, will I continue with my exposure? I probably not, right? Well, let's wait for tomorrow and find out...


P.S. There is an amazing Steve Jobs' speech on the internet and I'm trying to implement this part of his speech in my life:

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose."


I was thinking about it long before I heard this speech. That is actually might be the reason, why I started to act and do exposure. One day, while sitting at home, I've started to realise, that I can sit at home like this my whole life, become old and die. Alone, without friends and family, without any social life, without nothing, just with my fears. I thought, that I will better try, I will embarrass myself while trying, i will shit my pants from the fear, but i will better try, than not to try and regret it later. I had nothing to lose, when I've started my exposure. Nothing at all.


Link to my channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJR...1zt7GU6QOW5E1g
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Miggs The Terrible's Avatar
    Wow boy! You did it! That's such a brave thing to do I think your entitled to feel proud as fook.

    Other than the people who asked if you were ok ( there are some good people left ) did anyone else say anything to you?

    Sometimes I think realising that ultimately nothing really matters, in a positive sense, can be a really helpful way to put our thoughts into perspective.

    Well done again mate
    Posted 12th September 2017 at 20:11 by Miggs The Terrible Miggs The Terrible is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Boy's Avatar
    Thank you Miggs! Your words are really helpful

    I don't think anyone else told me anything, but when I'm anxious, my head is blocked and my hearing is blocked much more than usual, so it's possible that someone did
    Posted 12th September 2017 at 20:43 by Boy Boy is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Well done boy, I think exposure exercises are very useful as it is all to easy for us to give reasons as to why we can't do things because of our anxiety and then our life ticks by. So the Steve Jobs quote is a good one.

    I watched the videos in your youtube channel, it was interesting to see how different people reacted, some more friendly some more reserved, I thought you did very well in them.
    Posted 13th September 2017 at 10:37 by erase&rewind erase&rewind is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Boy's Avatar
    ^ Thanks
    Posted 13th September 2017 at 21:21 by Boy Boy is offline
 

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