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It's hard to be myself

Posted 23rd July 2019 at 18:58 by mutedsoul

I spent the last hour procrastinating on writing this. That must say something. I'm feel both motivated and deterred to write this.

A few weeks ago in a Whats App convo my cousin said about how I was always so serious and that I should be myself. This advice was similar to ther ex-colleague who ghosted me prior to her ghosting me.

Weirdly, or not so weirdly, right now I feel a bit angry with my cousin and like I don't want to connect with her. Not just for her telling me to be more genuine, other stuff, though my mind may change. I'm in a negative mood.

Idk but I find the advice, be yourself quite ignorant, offensive. Well of cause it's not offensive and can be very well intentioned. But I feel like it doesn't take into account that you don't know what the person has gone through. It feels like being told to "Stop being shy", like you are told off for how you feel and subconsciously act.

Being in my 20's and an anxious man I find most of my interactions to be negative. It's either I have to relax, which makes me more anxious cause I am aware I am irritating the other person. I am spoilt, according to a colleague who hasn't spent more that 10 seconds talking to me, I'm a weirdo/creep or somehow can't think on the same level as an average person.

All of this makes it hard to open up or be myself. I also feel the fact that I look like a typical person makes me feel like I shouldn't have the problems I have but I do have them which makes it harder. I have spoken about being more anxious when I have a haircut here on SAUK. I feel if I have a haircut it makes me look better and if I dress how I want even more, however I also feel like it's too good for me with the problems I have. If that makes sense, or not me, even though I love it and would hate to look like how messed up I feel I am mentally.

I think I probably do have certain neurological problems. Like possibly autism, haven't been diagnosed, and dyspraxia. I also have a speech impediment. And whoever, thinks I am making a big deal of this even health professionals, well it has ****ed up my life so it is a big deal to me.

I feel like my recent Kickboxing classes have certainly highlighted how it is hard for me to be myself. I have been to a few beginners sessions, with some yellow belts. I find it hard to follow the instructors rules that the last session I needed one on one. I didn't see other students needing one on one, even people who started the same time of me. That class I just had a haircut so thought I looked cooler, few strangers act like I am more on their level or cooler when I have a decent haircut. There was this beginner who seemed shy like me that it made me feel shy as it felt like he saw me as more than I was. Then I end up having to do a one on one session and the coach continually tells the peers I work with later how I am new and has to simplify his instructions for me. I felt inadequate. Tbh it felt like my interactions, I really want to interact, but don't know how to respond so either withdraw or come across as overly interested.

Since that session last week I feel like I don't want to go, not knowing the moves and stuff. I have been thinking of one on one sessions although it does feel a bit OTT. But is it really?

Last week I told one of my colleagues that I may not take my job permanent again since the person I work with constantly tells me to hurry up and I literally can't hurry up sometimes. I think I am a slow kitchen porter, or can't be super fast cause I probably naturally have certain motor and processing issues. I feel to her and even the head chef it just feels like a complaint? Apparently the guy I told gossiped about it. But I am too ashamed to admit I have these problems. If I genuinely can't go faster, I can't go faster or at least not with the way things are done at work.

I think I am going to call the kickboxing place and maybe talk about the session, ask for advice on whether or not one on one is better for me. I feel the first two times I did Kickboxing I felt calmer after and more ready to face the world. The third session felt so inadequate. Forth session, when the instructor decided to put me one on one with a helper as I found it hard top follow. I left feeling better than the third session but also like I definitely must have dyspraxia or something along the lines. I think it made me less afraid to say that I couldn't do certain stuff at the speed my colleague expects and that it isn't right that I am told off for it.

On the other hand, the kickboxing dilemma also seems like a chance to feel more comfortable with my deficits and strengths if I don't allow the situation to make me giive up on it. Idk whether or not I will continue though. I don't think I ever want to do real kickboxing fights or anything. I just want to feel strong, fit and flexible.

I feel my dyspraxia, before I knew about it, and possibly my autism has made it hard to be myself. To my peers, I definitely don't keep up with stuff they play, movies etc. Maybe that's part of just not socialising, going cinema and stuff, I seem to like lifetime movies. However, when it comes to games and stuff I even think it's a defence to hide my dyspraxia. At a young age I felt bad at playing video games if I went to a friends house, I didn't have a console myself. At around 5 years old I remember one of my friends uncle teaching me and my friend to kick a ball and then saying how I kicked the ball like a girl. I feel from then I probably subconsciously felt different from the cool crowd at school since they are associated with football. Adding to that I guess as a child I was physically bullied by 2 classmates, the strongest boys in the class but bullied in an outcast, more mental way by most classmates in Primary School. Even now, I panic if I cross by a path where children are kicking a ball cause I don't want them to see how lame I am for not being good at kicking or throwing a ball.

I feel I am highly misunderstood or judged for who I am now. But then most people who judge me don't know me that well.

I actually find women appearing more judgemental most times.

I am pretty sure I can probably still be confident with all the problems I have. Other people are, but I am not and it would be hard to be.
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  1. Old Comment
    Well put! Should go back to the kickboxing for another try.

    I do a martial art and its bloody hard but can be fun too, and I feel the exercise helps in other areas of my life.
    Posted 24th July 2019 at 12:02 by Tonkin Tonkin is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Jude99's Avatar
    Defo do keep going to the classes and so what if you require one to one, if it is what you want to do, then keep doing it. I did tap dancing and struggled with some of the moves however, as I loved doing it with others, I would go home and practice, practice, practice. The use of YouTube also helped to build my confidence and skills.
    We cannot change how others see us but we do have the ability to change how we respond - that's our choice. I get too much in my head but learning through self development books to let go. Reading The Untethered Soul at the moment which is about letting go, getting out of your head, being aware of our mind, thought processes and not obeying them. Easier said than done but, it has worked for me in certain situations like the one you described, allowing me to shake off negative experiences/how I think of it, what actions I can take, what I could do better. This helps me to move on. Good Luck
    Posted 4th August 2019 at 14:57 by Jude99 Jude99 is offline
 

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