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I need to find myself

Posted 30th May 2018 at 20:19 by healingsoul

So today I was still in a bad, helpless mood as I felt that I can't connect with anyone. This lunch again went similar. The mildly autistic colleague was telling us the names of items in different languages. Then him and the colleauge I was eating lunch with spoke some French and some stuff that didn't involve me. Then when the other colleague left, the mildly autistic colleague focused on the TV.

I was thinking about the situation, was thinking telling the collegue how I can't connect with almost anyone and for her to confront me on how I came across but felt that I couldn't. She is nice to me, but it's like we are nice to each other and that is it. On top of that she treats me like a child, but I think that is due to how I come across. One week I was more confident and she definitely listened to me a bit more, this week since I have been feeling down but don't want to show it I have been more closed in. But if I think about it my colleagues are 20+ years older than me, I don't have the best relationship experience but maybe that is why it is hard to connect with them. I suppose I don't have popular interests, a typical, functional family which makes it that much harder. But en if lunches are going to be like this I don't think I want to spend my lunch with the same colleague, I want to connect with her but it feels forced and dishonest at the moment.

What I noticed about the autistic colleague, even the colleague I eat with is that they aren't afraid to be their selves. Maybe that is why they are able to bond.

As some of you may know I have a close friend, but we chat more on Whatsapp than in real life. It is like there is a wall between authentic communication cause of this. As I was leaving the uni dorm, I heard some guys playing PS4, I thought maybe I need to do a similar activity, maybe I should go to music production meetups as it seems like a bonding experience without having to try. It's almost like kids playing outside with others. Maybe casual bonding experiences like playing games, sharing music face to face would help the authentic me come out?

There is also a new receptionist guy who seems a bit reserved or shy. It seems easy to get on with him. It's also ironic that I seem to like someone so silly yet I come across super serious. I think I am serious but also have a silly side that rarely comes out nowadays de to anxiety and life pains, maybe I need to rediscover that side to me.

Also I feel maybe I should just get better at small talk and talking with everyone. I know that equals more shallow relationships, but honestly even though I have one close friend, as I said he doesn't meet my needs. This other colleagues seems more able to interact with her other friends. I need someone I can interact with, be myself both bad and good, sill and serious around, maybe by just learning how to get on with everyone I will find that a group of people I can call true friends and regularly meet up and share interests with.
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