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The State I Am In

Posted 28th November 2013 at 18:22 by Twisterella87

I'm feeling quite bored and lonely. I hope i'm not sinking into depression again. Saying that, I have always felt alone - regardless of being in work or not. Now i'm back to being unemployed I spend even more time at home doing nothing of any significance.

I know it's up to me to get motivated and change the situation but it's so hard getting out of bed and initiating anything. Since finishing my six month work contract a few weeks ago, i've spent so much time lying in bed, in my pajamas, wasting time on the internet. I am trying to look to the future ie hunting for jobs and considering study at masters level next year. It's just a shame that circumstances are so difficult in that there are no jobs out there and the very few there are, i'm not suitably qualified for.

In relation to further study at university, how the hell can one secure funding to have any sort of chance in getting qualified in specialist areas when it's made so damn hard to get any financial help? Even if I could just about scrape a tuition fee, I am going to find it close to impossible to afford the living expenses and other costs associated with studying.

Having social anxiety and other personal issues only serves to complicate matters. With me, there is a struggle between my idealism about the future, moving on from my past and my inability to get myself out of the miserable rut in which I am in.

I long so much to relocate, to study, gain employment and lead a happier, healthier life. There are these hopes and plans I have for the future and I wish they could someday be granted me. Unfortunately, I am far too pessimistic and lacking in courage, motivation and confidence for the wheels to be put into motion.

In a way, I feel like i'll never escape from the predicament in which I live and cannot see my life improving much as time goes by. I can all too easily insist "i'll be moving from this place next year" to progress in my life but deep down, I know it's unlikely i'll be leaving my family home in the forseeable future.

There will have to be some sort of a wonderful miracle for anything so promising to come my way. Until that occurs, i'll be sitting here, in my bedroom, with nothing but a feeling of utter hopelessness and failure.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    hellotiger's Avatar
    sorry you're feeling so bad Twist. You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to get all the things you want but, especially when you have sa, things can only be achieved in small steps. Focus on the things that are obtainable right now and do what you can to get them. Try not to get frustrated if it doesn't happen straight away, it will if you keep trying.
    Posted 28th November 2013 at 21:53 by hellotiger hellotiger is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Thanks for the advice, Tiger. I know I can be too hard on myself at times. Being 26yo, I cannot help but think that time is ticking by and that i've not much to show for myself. Most people my age seem to have it all sorted and to live independent lives. Apart from getting my degree (in a arguably useless subject), i've little to be proud of.

    Here's to hoping that I can soon take action and make small steps towards my goals.
    Posted 29th November 2013 at 00:44 by Twisterella87 Twisterella87 is offline
  3. Old Comment
    welshdan91's Avatar
    Hi I know this post was a long time ago but I am 25 and can relate to everything you're saying. I stopped education at A level and never reached my potential at even those. I'm going to have a read of your other blog post now, sorry for being a pest ***55357;***56843;
    Posted 4th July 2016 at 09:37 by welshdan91 welshdan91 is offline
 

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