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I feel like I am stuck in a rut

Posted 14th October 2018 at 11:06 by mutedsoul

This week I had one to one with my tutor, so no college. And I did a work trail for a job I would do two days a week from next week. Other than that most of the day has been spent at home. I did apply with a job agency in being a waiter but never got called or messaged to do any shifts this weekend. Hopefully though, when my advanced learner loan gets sorted out, and I can finally get bursary from the college and an 18+ student oyster, maybe working my part time job may be enough though I may do another job as well. I don't want to jinx anything but I feel getting paid this week for some temp jobs I did a few weeks ago and getting this part time job was a sign that things will work out.

Today I have spent literally all day on my PC. There was a thread about how receiving unconditional love in childhood. I still live with my mum but notice how distant she is. The only questions she asks me are whether I am going out and about housework or money. I feel if I had a warmer relationship with my family or was in a better environment I would easily not use the computer as much. But then on the other hand I feel like as a grown up I can't really blame my mum, that I should help myself. I probably wouldn't be awake now at 3am if I had a warm, supportive parent. Why? Because I would be more comfortable or ready to face life. I would be far too busy or social in the day time to be awake at 3am. I feel my auntie from my last job seems like the definition of the ideal mum imo.

I spoke to my auntie today and when I think of how no one cares about me, I feel I think of her as she cares of me, she also said she would never forget me today on the phone, I feel that was perfect timing. And working with her I noticed I had a bit more days where I felt a bit calmer and more confident. Though tbh, if I grew up with her I feel I would be more successful, would have learnt to socialise as she is good at reading people, speaking to them and is into popular culture. But then I also wouldn't be who I am as a person now due to lifestyle differences.

Staying at home most times has made me feel super anxious to go outside, anyways it doesn't feel like I have much to look forward to going outside. As I am so anxious it is difficult to communicate with most people and people don't seem to react well to me being anxious. But I do feel better when I have gone out. An example is that last Monday I felt like quitting college as I had to rush some homework I just didn't find time for as I was busy worrying about my job search and my life felt like a mess. Going to the college for the one to one on Tuesday made me feel better though, I felt better before I got to the college.

I feel like if I don't overcome my anxiety, I would probably not get married since I don't socialise enough to meet a girl. I wouldn't achieve my maximum potential because I am too afraid to show my worth and can't communicate well with colleagues. Anxiety is stopping me from living.

This week I have been watching some Tony Robbins. Trying to accept the fact that I have a victims mentality and trying to implement some of his steps to become more successful. That I can overcome my anxiety and need to tackle my interaction issues to overcome SA and get on better with others. However, it's like I don't know what steps to take and that I just don't push myself to take these steps. I may try some improv meetups this week, but is that really enough to improve my communication skills. I need to do much more.

I have also began to notice that whilst I do think most people don't understand severe SA. Most people don't really want to understand, I think most people don't care about suffering to the point that they try to help unless the suffering affects them. For example, look at the homeless.
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