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I enjoy writing and am seeking to clarify my thoughts, feelings and internal process.
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Grief and tree-hugging

Posted 20th May 2014 at 21:02 by Star Rainbow

Enjoyed a few days of buoyant mood and increased sociability. Accepted a spontaneous invite to a friends sauna, took a walk with my house-mates and was even contemplating attending the Bardic finals, which would be something like 10 steps up the ladder of interaction.

Mood crashed today, I overdid it. Cycled to the pool twice in two days, got overwrought from the stimulation of the traffic and the urban environment and I need to factor in half a day off, free from people and roads and buildings.

This morning though, before that I felt very tender on my morning walk. A certain lane that has bittersweet association. I walked it during the snow two winters ago, it was my lowest point. I was grieving, it was fresh and Christmas had trashed me. I took a selfie in the snow and looking back at that photo a few months later I felt such deep poignancy and self-compassion for my dear, sorry struggling self, bravely smiling during such a terrible time.

Whenever I walk that lane I can access my sorrow, my grief and be with it. Not to be maudlin, but to be honouring and to witness the grief as a means of healing the deep trauma. It's become a special place and funnily enough I could never have imagined that a place associated with such profound sadness could be significant.

A little further along, through a gate and across a field I rested my head on the mossy bough of an old, old tree. Then I realised I could wrap my arms around it and hold tightly to it, and feel comforted by the strength and permanence of the tree. By its rootedness, its security in the earth and by its age, the fact of it having lived longer than me made the tree an elder; wise and available, like a grandparent.

So yes, I hugged a tree today. Maybe that sounds absurd, but it feels to be the sanest action of all.

I wish to awaken tomorrow in a lighter mood and I'll take it easy 'out there'. My grief annversary is coming up so there could be turbulent times ahead, I must remember that 'feeling is healing' and it's probably natural for my grief to begin repeating.
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  1. Old Comment
    slrrrrp's Avatar
    Posted 20th May 2014 at 21:46 by slrrrrp slrrrrp is offline
  2. Old Comment
    slrrrrp's Avatar
    Interesting blog post
    Posted 21st May 2014 at 15:20 by slrrrrp slrrrrp is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Star Rainbow's Avatar
    ^ Thank you!
    Posted 21st May 2014 at 21:44 by Star Rainbow Star Rainbow is offline
 

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