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How does a man be assertive without being creepy?

Posted 24th August 2018 at 19:54 by indigo777

I was reading some posts on an anxiety forum and several men said they almost felt like a creepy weirdo for approaching women, like they had no right to do it, like it was even a form of harassment. I also felt the same way. I think I actually found it degrading that as I was male I was expected to approach girls when I had the social skills of a dead sloth. You like a girl but the only way to get her to like you back and to go out with you is for you to approach her and befriend her, the only way to do that is make witty banter. Its hard. Even normal men get nervous. I blushed sweated and stammered uncontrollably and yet still people think I was just a coward and would have got better if I had done it more. No I wouldn’t. Failure and humiliation creates even greater anxiety and more avoidance then suicidal feelings.

While looking something up I came across this article which is also the title of this post

https://verilymag.com/2017/06/assert...vior-or-creepy

“I know for me, “don’t be creepy” is my number one dating goal. Actually, that’s not true. My number one goal is “be assertive,” but “don’t be a creep about it” is inextricably linked to that goal.”

You see the man usually has to be the assertive one,not the woman. Yet a VERY shy man comes across as VERY AWKWARD and yes VERY CREEPY and still people cant comprehend shy men dont have the confidence to chase every female they see and make small talk. Even though many girls at work treated me with utter disgust, almost repulsion simply for being quiet and not being friendly when they never showed me any friendliness at all.You are disliked and made to feel like you are a freak. Stop pretending its all maladaptive or faulty thinking. Then one girl smiles at me and I am supposed to run after her and go into chat up mode as if its perfectly natural.

Even the social anxiety self help books advice approaching people everywhere and making small talk as an easy start but if you are very nervous you come across creepy especially if talking to women at bus stops and in elevators and ANYWHERE. Many women will think you are only after sex especially if they are attractive and have heard it all before.I think even smiling at women on the street is incredibly creepy if you dont know them. Why the f**k would I even want to let alone saying hello at them which is what the self help books also advice as if it will mostly go great and boost your confidence. I have no doubt it would have the opposite effect.

More from the article;

“Once I was sitting at the bar with some friends watching the game and minding my own business when I see an attractive woman across the bar who seemed to be giving me the eyes. I didn’t think too much of it, but then she seemed to really be giving me the eyes. My friends noticed, too, so I proceeded into the great unknown.

There was an open seat next to her, so I walked over, introduced myself, sat down, and ordered a drink. About two sentences into our conversation, she turned her back to me and proceeded to ignore me. Since I had ordered a drink, I had to sit there in purgatory until the slow-as-molasses bartender completed my order.”

You see this kind of rejection would have me hiding under my bed for 3 weeks drinking vodka. Yet men are supposed to risk rejection and potential humiliation every time they want a date. No wonder so many of them get blind drunk first to give them the confidence. I heard girls at work saying “why wont he ask me out?” about other guys(not me obviously!) and yet never even consider doing it themselves. So stop pretending its all the same. Women have lots of unique problems but then so do men which is why there are far more of them committing suicide.

Some More:
” There was that time I took a friend to a gala dinner event for my work, and she invited me back to her place after I drove her home. Good sign. We ended up playing Scrabble in the candlelight as her roommates slept upstairs, feeling the need to whisper not to wake them. Talk about the most romantic board game of my life. So yeah, I decided to kiss her as I said goodbye. She dodged me and said “No no no, Isaac, I need to figure some things out in my life right now.” To this day, I’ve never seen her again, in part because I was so embarrassed. These moments haunt every first kiss and make a guy doubt his ability to identify the green light.”

Green light? I have never even found the traffic lights. In the above scenario almost any man would expect this woman to want more and yet she actually seemed offended that he tried to kiss her or thought her attractive. And men are always the ones that must risk making an idiot of themselves because women almost never try to befriend men first due to evolution and yet no one talks about this obvious fact for fear of being called sexist.

And still it must be simple as nearly everyone does it which heaps more guilt and shame on you. Even the ugliest and stupidest men at work who only ever spoke about football and what's for dinner still managed to get dates. Yet I couldn’t get one because I had to make the first move. I think for a man(and some women)social anxiety is just as debilitating a factor in living a normal life like having a relationship or getting a decent job as far more serious physical and mental disabilities and yet is almost completely ignored.






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  1. Old Comment
    HermannHesse's Avatar
    Be 6 foot 2 and attractive. Look at what Russell Brand gets (got?) away with, for example - he's basically a sexual predator but, you know, he's Russell Brand so no woman calls him out for it.

    Let's be honest, certain people will always risk being perceived as creeps. If you have poor social skills in day to day life, etc, the odds are stacked against you.

    The only practical advice to avoid the risk of being perceived a creep is to be completely boring in your approach. "Hello, My name is. What's yours?" etc (Answer: Go Away.)
    Posted 25th August 2018 at 23:57 by HermannHesse HermannHesse is offline
  2. Old Comment
    indigo777's Avatar
    Yes, Russell Brand is cheeky and humorous. You can get away with almost anything if you are cheeky and funny. A guy I worked with was like this and made very cheeky jokes with all the office girls and they all loved him, even though he was not particularly attractive. Its probably something to do with evolution and a man must gain a woman's trust by the medium of witty banter. If I had tried doing that they would have reported me for harassment.
    Posted 27th August 2018 at 13:24 by indigo777 indigo777 is offline
 

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