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Indigo

Posted 31st October 2014 at 01:13 by indigo777

All right, I'm giving up the fight,
I didn't know when I'd be a stranger again in my own land.
The days are okay, but oh, how I hate these long nights.


The other day I walked through Marks and Spencer’s in town which I do quite often even if I don’t actually buy anything. I suddenly looked up and thought I saw someone I used to know from work looking back at me and grinning from the café section which is downstairs and next to the entrance. Thankfully as I got closer it wasn't them and just a similar looking person. However when I thought about my reaction later it got me angry. I instinctively imagined that person laughing at me, mocking me “Look, there’s that so and so I used to work with!”

The thing is this used to happen at school and at work quite often. Lots of people because of my shyness looked down on me, ridiculed me and thought of me I suppose as a lesser person, not worthy. I once spoke about the time a girl graded every young guy at work out of 10 and would not even grade me as if I was so beneath her I was unworthy. The girl who gave sweets out on her birthday and looked at me like I was pond scum and just walked by. The kids at school who used to take the piss out of my voice when reading aloud in class. These things stuck with me and never left. This increased my SA and avoidant behaviour. Exposure to piss taking did not help me.

Its absolute bollocks to pretend that we are just cowards or suffering from paranoia. Its obviously normal human behaviour when encountering people who are a bit weird and a bit odd to classify them as strange and then ignore them, laugh at them and put them down. Children do this even more than adults showing it’s a basic human instinct. Once you have got such a poor reputation then girls did not want to know you so relationships were a non starter and blokes did not want to be friends so you gave up trying. Again its absolute balls to try and make out that our reluctance to try is all our fault for being cowards and its just paranoia We are often put in our place by society and kept there if we don’t follow the same cultural norms or behaviour as others as they don’t want you near them.

I was even reluctant to wear different clothes and got sarcastic remarks like “I did not think you would wear stuff like that!” as if a shy man is not allowed to fit in. I remember after losing a lot of weight and then doing loads of gym work to try and gain confidence the piss I got taken out of me for having supposed tits when in fact I bench pressed for months and had a large muscular chest. I realised then whatever I did because of my shyness I would always be ridiculed by some. I remember many such incidents throughout school and work. However the conclusion is if people see you as different in a bad way then they won’t let you in. “You are not one of us.” You feel like an outsider and this often stays with you for life. The reluctance to try new things is often because of remembering all the piss taking from your past life when you did try to be normal. When people who think they are the worlds leading experts on SA are trying to heap yet more guilt on you for not doing enough I think its important to remember the reasons behind our reluctance which is often not imagined or paranoia but because human behaviour is often so ruthless and cruel and to which there is a vast array of evidence.
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