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An open diary of my Week

Posted 7th April 2016 at 02:43 by healingsoul

Idk if I sound like a cynic but here I go.

This week has been an emotional Roller Coaster for me, not that many people in real life would actually know.

I feel meeting one of my mum's old friend, a Social Worker visiting and the Spear Celebration I had to go to made it emotionally difficult.

At first I was happy to meet up with my mum's ex-friend as she was nice. But later in the week, my mum's ex-friend called me in an unhappy mood saying that I should be looking after my mum and call to social services and stuff, then hung up the phone as I put it on hold as my mum was speaking to me. Tbh, I decided to not call back, not sure I am too keen on rebuilding the relationship as it was so assumptive I felt. It was as if she blamed me for my mum's behaviour.

With the Social Worker, I kind of found her monotone voice and overall attitude offensive. It was as if she assumed that me and my sister were complacent rather than attempting to understand why she might have been called to our house.

Idk, but maybe I was overreacting but I called the NHS 111 service to see if I could get advice or anything on my mums illness one day when my mum hid the house keys that my sister had to jump out of the kitchen window to go School . Maybe I came across unclear that they thought I was overreacting. Next time idk, if I feel I need advice I feel phoning a charity helpline service or something might be more helpful and ready to listen than the NHS was. I feel though that phoning was kind of over the top, crazy of me, but feel the NHS helpline was also utterly useless and assumptive.

Today I finally finished my Spear Work Skills Course, from now on Spear will support me for about a year with advice relating to work but no more daily afternoon classes. I am feeling nervous about slacking on job searching and not following my plan when it comes to job searching but am also feeling calm and proud that I don't need to go sessions every afternoon again and have more free time.

On Monday though, to mark the end of the Spear classes we had a Celebration, in which about 40 people attended to watch us present and collect certificates and gifts from our coaches. Although presenting was an achievement and attempting to "network" with audience members before and after the Celebration there were also some things that made me feel irritated at the event.

The thing that irritated me and made me feel uncomfortable for a few days was when the coaches called me up for my certificate and gift. I was the first to be called up and my gift were Ice Lolly moulds, my coach announced out loud that they got it for me as they feel that I should chill and have what it takes to succeed in the workplace. And a loud cheer, by the audience, as soon as she was saying the word "chill." Idk if I'm over analyzing but it felt patronising and abit like I was being told I have absolutely no reason to feel anything other than happy and relaxed which is what kind of made me feel just negative and defensive.

I feel I have learnt a lot from Spear though, work skills yeah, but also other things. I feel I masked some anxiety in the sessions by putting in the effort to contribute from the start in lessons. However still being anxious I didn't really connect with everyone or really open up to people. As a result I feel some coaches over estimated how intelligent I am and I have the feeling that it appeared I had everything together as I am also organised, had breakfast everyday, tbh I make sure I do, and didn't have any noticeable disabilities/limitations like some other, not all, peers. But then some SAUK'ers and I know that everything in my life definitely isn't perfect hence I am now using the quote "Nobody has it all together."

I guess Spear helped me see that appearing to have it all can be a facade. I think I would have liked it more if the relationship between me and some coaches was a bit less judgemental and more honest but understanding. I wish I was also more open to not give into putting up a bit of a facade.
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