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My life feels like a mess right now?

Posted 9th October 2018 at 01:54 by healingsoul

So prior to my life right now of doing an access course and trying to find decent temp work I had a permanent job as a housekeeper. My aunt at the job pushed and persuaded me to do more saying that housekeeping and kitchen portering was too low of an aim for me, a guy who was educated in Britain. And tbh, I agree it's anxiety that influenced me to aim for such jobs.

Right now I am doing an Access course in Social Science and trying to find decent part time work. My life actually feels worse though like a mess and I feel more depressed than when I was housekeeping. Idk, but I feel this confused, depressed feeling I have got is just the lack of organisation in my life right now and also unresolved issues. I feel that my life doesn't have to be this complex and sad.

The thing that triggered or just worsened my recent wave of low mood and lowered confidence was a dyslexia and learning disabilities test that my class took in tutorial. I was the second to last person to finish the test and did poorly on some parts. That day I took a different way home from Soho as I was trying to avoid being seen or feeling seen. Kinda reminded me that in most distressing situations, for me, I think I either freeze or fly. Since then I have felt lowered confidence. But I also feel a bit of comfort in that there may be actual evidence that I have a learning difficulty or certain impairment.

Why?

Cause it will probably provide me with the support I need or help me understand why I am the way I am and come to terms with myself.

I did a hospitality job with a recruitment agency I joined since starting the course. Accept I really didn't like the job as it was so far, 2 hours by public transport one way. I told the agency and since then haven't been called by them. My past recent jobs have mainly been with agencies, cleaning and kitchen porter (KP) jobs. I have had some bad experiences with some jobs, especially KP ones where I was told off for being too slow, called inexperienced by coworkers etc. I work slow but also in an organised and detailed manner. I have lost the will to work in a minimum wage, casual work environment cause it feels like I don't thrive there. I am usually not able to connect and interact with the workers, am too serious, too slow at tasks. And I do put in the effort but it doesn't feel like enough. This is why I would love a diagnoses and some support, so I learn where my strengths are how to apply them and am a generally happier, more balanced person as a result.

I have felt like quitting my course, I may discuss it with my college, I did so with my aunt. It just feels like my mind is all over the place, not on the course. And although I am interested in Social Science I am not certain that I want to do it as a career. I think that maybe I rushed into the course.

I imagine if I did quit, I don't just want a full time job that I get by with, that seems a bit boring and I want more success than that. Do I have an over idealised view of success? I would most likely just have a job with full time hours but I have decided I can't just spend my money on pleasure then. I also need to spend it towards therapy or some assessment, personal development or something, get my driving license. Get things together so that I get myself to a balanced enough state that I can study or take on more stuff and not be in this mess again. I feel like I don't want to "put up" with misunderstandings at the workplace or college. Not being able to interact properly with others is a big deal, it puts up a lot of limitations.

This sounds like a fantasy though as it doesn't seem easy to find useful therapeutic treatments for anxiety, it doesn't seem easy to be assessed for disabilities either. I don't believe in the NHS when it comes to these types of things because in the past it has felt that when I was asking for an assessment I was just asking for attention. It's like they don't take mental health seriously.
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