Where I want to be in life and my current situation.
Posted 6th September 2015 at 03:01 by Amara 94
Today has been one of those other Saturdays where I don't get up to that much all day. This follows after a not so good Friday. On Friday, I went for my morning jog, which makes me feel good except I feel I got weird looks from people on the street. My response was to mind read individuals and think that they thought I was weird for wanting to do something as active as jogging in the morning. Now that School has started, I guess the streets are a bit different and busier in the mornings now. Then there was the Recruitment session I went to after washing up and having some breakfast which just brought back some symptoms of SA, I remember from college, and reminded me that if I don't take control of my SA it is going to control and limit me in my life.
Meanwhile, at home I have been recently joyfully learning the keyboard, reading books and going online a lot. I feel I am curious to learn a lot of stuff and master some skills and that me when alone is a huge contrast to the passive, semi- detached, maybe careless looking person I look like around people. When I am alone I feel that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. When I am in public I usually think I better not piss off these people, and feel the need to be in a overly cautious mode that I kind of detach from the thoughts and beliefs I really have. It's so weird because in High School some peers pointed out that my face always faces the ground, I must look either helpless or depressed in public, yet if I am alone I am the complete opposite.
I wouldn't say I am really happy with my life as it is right now. I wouldn't say I am the best I can be and my mental wellbeing isn't as stable as can be to so that I feel secure and confident . I would like to be in a situation where I have some social support, don't feel the need to close up so much in public and am confident enough to express who I am in public.
So What's stopping me?
The main things that are stopping me from having a better quality of life are being insecure, mind reading, being easily intimidated by certain types of people, feeling most people find me weird or don't like me and avoidance in response to my irrational thoughts.
I always feel people in public can see I am not normal and either see me as weird or give me a negative look. However, even if it does seem that way to me I can't say that there is solid evidence that they do see me in a negative light because it might just be judging certain reactions from people in a negative way. Although there have been a few time when it's clear that I am looked down on or not seen in a good light, for example the few occasions I was mocked for my body language in High School. But how I feel about other people and how they act towards me is much more about me than them, I am pretty sure that if I felt that I was good enough I wouldn't see someone's negative behaviour towards me being my fault and based on my opinion that I am weird, in a negative way.
I feel I can change my current situation, I have to come to terms with who I really am and the fact that I am easily intimidated and do mind read and try to tackle these issues.
Who am I?
I have came the conclusion that I am interested to learn lots of stuff, however I am average, or even below average due to lack of experience, at lots of stuff and should stop trying to make myself "or even" prove to myself that I am extra talented at certain things. That's not to say that I don't have the potential to become good at something. After spending my teen years trying to look amazing by trying to learn to draw perfectly and realistically, trying to learn to roller skate, with skill, so I look cool; I have came to the conclusion that I should learn stuff because I want to, not just for the ego. In fact, because I have recently been learning my keyboard by trying to learn how to play the songs I actually like, rather than in a structured, target oriented way, I can say I have seen some small improvement in one week. I know it's a small improvement, but learning out of joy and curiosity would pay off in the long run. By the way, this is my second attempt at learning to play the keyboard.
Meanwhile, at home I have been recently joyfully learning the keyboard, reading books and going online a lot. I feel I am curious to learn a lot of stuff and master some skills and that me when alone is a huge contrast to the passive, semi- detached, maybe careless looking person I look like around people. When I am alone I feel that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. When I am in public I usually think I better not piss off these people, and feel the need to be in a overly cautious mode that I kind of detach from the thoughts and beliefs I really have. It's so weird because in High School some peers pointed out that my face always faces the ground, I must look either helpless or depressed in public, yet if I am alone I am the complete opposite.
I wouldn't say I am really happy with my life as it is right now. I wouldn't say I am the best I can be and my mental wellbeing isn't as stable as can be to so that I feel secure and confident . I would like to be in a situation where I have some social support, don't feel the need to close up so much in public and am confident enough to express who I am in public.
So What's stopping me?
The main things that are stopping me from having a better quality of life are being insecure, mind reading, being easily intimidated by certain types of people, feeling most people find me weird or don't like me and avoidance in response to my irrational thoughts.
I always feel people in public can see I am not normal and either see me as weird or give me a negative look. However, even if it does seem that way to me I can't say that there is solid evidence that they do see me in a negative light because it might just be judging certain reactions from people in a negative way. Although there have been a few time when it's clear that I am looked down on or not seen in a good light, for example the few occasions I was mocked for my body language in High School. But how I feel about other people and how they act towards me is much more about me than them, I am pretty sure that if I felt that I was good enough I wouldn't see someone's negative behaviour towards me being my fault and based on my opinion that I am weird, in a negative way.
I feel I can change my current situation, I have to come to terms with who I really am and the fact that I am easily intimidated and do mind read and try to tackle these issues.
Who am I?
I have came the conclusion that I am interested to learn lots of stuff, however I am average, or even below average due to lack of experience, at lots of stuff and should stop trying to make myself "or even" prove to myself that I am extra talented at certain things. That's not to say that I don't have the potential to become good at something. After spending my teen years trying to look amazing by trying to learn to draw perfectly and realistically, trying to learn to roller skate, with skill, so I look cool; I have came to the conclusion that I should learn stuff because I want to, not just for the ego. In fact, because I have recently been learning my keyboard by trying to learn how to play the songs I actually like, rather than in a structured, target oriented way, I can say I have seen some small improvement in one week. I know it's a small improvement, but learning out of joy and curiosity would pay off in the long run. By the way, this is my second attempt at learning to play the keyboard.
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