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  1. Old Comment
    indigo777's Avatar

    Beyond Saving?

    I am not sure. Although I have one friend I have been online for many years and even when I occasionally speak with people for a time they almost always go away first. Doing things that fails constantly for years only gives me less confidence and makes me more avoidant. This surely means just doing stuff over and over again does not work and that we have to change ourselves first.
    Posted 4th June 2018 at 13:44 by indigo777 indigo777 is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Thousandmiles's Avatar

    Beyond Saving?

    I have never had an online friend. I am scared to approach someone even if I see we have a lot in common and could actually become friends, I do that not because they might discover I am not likeable, but because I am worried that I will not be enough. You know that quote from The Little Prince "You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed", it can be interpreted to be about friendships. It's a big responsibility to be a good friend to someone who needs you a lot emotionally. I think that's why online friendships might not last or happen, people discover they can't be there for each other in one way or the other, expectations don't match and the delay factor in communication can make things inadequate. Don't be hard on yourself, it can't be all about you.
    Posted 3rd June 2018 at 08:28 by Thousandmiles Thousandmiles is offline
  3. Old Comment

    Beyond Saving?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by indigo777 View Comment
    Yes, I have tried that although its so easy to fall back into bad habits again. Have you read any books on it?
    No, not so far.
    Posted 29th May 2018 at 21:46 by healingsoul healingsoul is offline
  4. Old Comment
    indigo777's Avatar

    Beyond Saving?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by mutedsoul View Comment
    I can understand the anger. I feel most people don't know how to act around a depressed person.
    Yes, that's understandable really and is the same for social anxiety as we can be highly unsociable and hard to get to know. My anger is more directed at self help sites and people who claim you just keep going out and doing stuff and then totally ignore we cant all just choose to be positive or happy. When I was younger I also used to blush and stammer so the idea I should have just forced myself go to parties and it would go OK was idiotic. Its just as false to claim other people don't notice.

    Quote:
    One thing though is that you shouldn't waste your energy on what you can't control. Tbh I need to take my own advice and practice mindfulness. So that rather than feeling irritated or anxious by that colleague who doesn't even bother to say hi to me or the other colleague who tries to make me look bad I just see the situation for what it is as I can't control a person's behaviour. What's the use in being angry about something that has already happened or inevitable?
    Yes, I have tried that although its so easy to fall back into bad habits again. Have you read any books on it?
    Posted 29th May 2018 at 14:58 by indigo777 indigo777 is offline
  5. Old Comment

    Beyond Saving?

    I can understand the anger. I feel most people don't know how to act around a depressed person.

    One thing though is that you shouldn't waste your energy on what you can't control. Tbh I need to take my own advice and practice mindfulness. So that rather than feeling irritated or anxious by that colleague who doesn't even bother to say hi to me or the other colleague who tries to make me look bad I just see the situation for what it is as I can't control a person's behaviour. What's the use in being angry about something that has already happened or inevitable?

    People are going to continue to act the same towards depressed people and we can't really change that instantly. So we have to accept the situation and do what we can to improve it.

    Heck I need to begin practicing mindfulness.
    Posted 29th May 2018 at 00:17 by healingsoul healingsoul is offline
  6. Old Comment

    Small Talk

    I totally agree with your post. although it might happen, I don't want to end up with my whole career involving working hard but being unnoticed or seen as weird. It's true, from my experience that not everyone is nice and most people don't understand severe anxiety. However I have also came across some people that aren't that judgmental, so there is hope.

    I agree that negative reinforcement from social experiences doesn't usually build your confidence. However, we can learn from them also learn to accept that it isn't our fault so we don't feel guilty for the negative social experience. The only way to combat negative social experiences, it seems, is through not blaming ourselves for it, learning how to communicate better and I think honesty. Idk though, I haven't tried all of these yet.

    Also at work today, there was a temp receptionist when I started at 5 am. The other receptionist was watching a superhero movie and the new guy chatted about the movie. He was likable and easy to get on with. Since I am not into popular movies or music I couldn't contribute to the conversation. It reminded me that I would never really be socially popular in a traditional sense. It seems like to be socially popular you have to be into popular culture, I imagine having some social exposure and being into popular culture, going to typical social events such as festivals and parties may actually make one know how to act in social situations.

    It's also true that an anxious person can't really be just be more positive and friendly, work and effort needs to go into being more positive and friendly. I feel lots of people have said I should chill, calm down, smile, but being told to do these things doesn't help, especially when the person reacts negatively because of it. Imagine, somebody experiencing a majority of negative social situations, being an easy target, not being listened to, being misinterpreted. Would that person feel happy in social situations, common sense says no. So I feel that type of advice is ridiculous. However I also feel it's best to try to channel the negative energy to something productive. I think we can learn to smile more but that would only honestly come from achieving a calmer state of mind and feeling more secure.
    Posted 25th April 2018 at 19:41 by healingsoul healingsoul is offline
  7. Old Comment
    indigo777's Avatar

    Men's Mental Health

    Yes, if you are different you always have to fit in with the majority of the culture and society you are living within to be accepted even if you think they are wrong or you will always be an outsider. A bit like being a Brexit voter on SAUK!
    Posted 22nd April 2018 at 22:35 by indigo777 indigo777 is offline
  8. Old Comment

    Men's Mental Health

    I think what's wrong with our culture is that we aren't emotionally open. It's like we aren't allowed to feel certain things or think certain things,even though it's part of human nature. Idk how effective CBT can be, but I don't agree with trying to turn certain negative thoughts to positive ones as they are true or seem true. For example, someone who has always found it hard to make friends and is an easy target for bullies might feel they are unlikable and people wouldn't like them if they spoke to them. Rather than trying to tell them that thought is untrue, I think it would be better to help them be more socially presentable. Or try to understand why they may come across as unapproachable.
    Posted 21st April 2018 at 10:35 by healingsoul healingsoul is offline
  9. Old Comment
    Thousandmiles's Avatar

    Men's Mental Health

    I think it is to our own disadvantage not to admit that men and women aren't equal in behaviours, expectations, thought processes and thinking, it's not my job to prove anything but I think it has been proven already.
    But, what I wanted to say though, is having been on this forum for few months now, I maybe have some understanding of the community dynamics and obviously there is so much more going on what we don't see, what people don't write about. What I mean, there are thousands of members, ok only the small fraction of them current users, but you hardly see any new posts in SA section, I understand the old members have read and said everything there is to the subject and then some, but how about the new ones, the young ones, the ones who can't or won't say anything - it is so important to get important issues, topics raised, so that maybe younger people can get help sooner. So the post like your might mean so much to somebody, even if it goes unanswered, if it reaches that one person at the right time, it can change their life.
    Posted 26th March 2018 at 20:44 by Thousandmiles Thousandmiles is offline
  10. Old Comment
    indigo777's Avatar

    Men's Mental Health

    Yes, I saw the item on This Morning too.I thought about it but think when I mentioned once before that men and women are different in behaviour someone seemed to think it was an attack on women and actually accused me of hating women which is ridiculous as my best and only friend is female. I fully admit the vast majority of problems may be even worse for women but think that social anxiety is one condition where the difference in behaviour is more obvious as men are still expected to not be shy and far more likely to be ridiculed for being cowards or virgins.
    Posted 26th March 2018 at 19:47 by indigo777 indigo777 is offline
  11. Old Comment
    Thousandmiles's Avatar

    Men's Mental Health

    Why don't you post this in the main forum bit, I read this yesterday, kept thinking about it all day, very thought provoking; just seen an article about 'project 84' that's been talked about on This morning today. There is obviously a need to raise more awareness of this, it is beyond heartbreaking and shows that men do suffer in silence more and possibly need a different approach to how they deal with their feelings. One thing I learned from this forum is that it helps massively to know you are not alone in this life, you really aren't. There are people who care, are willing to help, listen, offer their time, but to reach someone they need to take the first step and ask for it.
    Posted 26th March 2018 at 15:32 by Thousandmiles Thousandmiles is offline
  12. Old Comment
    indigo777's Avatar

    Men's Mental Health

    Yes, although CBT does appear to be hit and miss especially with the NHS. Many people on here have hated it. If the CBT just demands I go around making small talk to strangers and wonders why it wont work then I still think they haven't got a clue for many people.
    Posted 26th March 2018 at 12:30 by indigo777 indigo777 is offline
  13. Old Comment

    Men's Mental Health

    Good to read that these issues are being talked about. And that issues for men are being discussed, as in our society support and care tends to be mainly for women, men are expected to grin and bear these things. Not that I begrudge women any help of course. I do disagree with the CBT statements though - I am receiving it now and finding it very helpful.
    Posted 25th March 2018 at 20:30 by limey123 limey123 is offline
  14. Old Comment

    Social Mishap Therapy? WTF?

    I understand they are using these methods to try and lower inhibitions which may work if someone had a bit of stage fright. But there's quite a difference to being able to psych yourself up to do random silly things and actually being able to engage and relate to people on a long-term basis. I actually find these techniques quite insulting and ignorant of the real issues.
    Posted 18th March 2017 at 17:59 by Charlotte Vale Charlotte Vale is offline
  15. Old Comment
    indigo777's Avatar

    Social Mishap Therapy? WTF?

    I think this is at the extreme end of the spectrum. Asking every woman in the restaurant sounds more like being a nuisance and would get them thrown out or punched as virtually no people go to restaurants alone anyway. Perhaps he meant bar or club. Another example I saw on youtube was someone singing Mary has a little lamb on a busy street. I wonder if they are only able to do this as they have gotten so much better due to prior exposure therapy.
    Posted 18th March 2017 at 00:04 by indigo777 indigo777 is offline
  16. Old Comment

    Social Mishap Therapy? WTF?

    I wonder how long this type of exposure therapy is meant to last.
    Posted 17th March 2017 at 23:40 by Charlotte Vale Charlotte Vale is offline
  17. Old Comment
    indigo777's Avatar

    Shy people, egocentric?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by hollowone View Comment
    The whole 'shyness is egotistical' narrative is from people who don't have first hand experience of what it's like.
    I am not sure,quite a few people on here seem to have had this view over the years although it could stem from their own guilt.

    Quote:
    You have to remember that the way people judge you for doing nothing wrong is their problem and not yours. The behaviour being talked about is NOT defendable. It's entirely understandable why you might see people as potential enemies.
    But as the odd ones out its still up to us to change ourselves otherwise we end up as social outcasts and weird loners.

    Quote:
    The only thing I want to bring-up is, can you identify any ways the fear and lack of trust of people might make you behave? It's how you might behave when you meet new people, and what's on your mind at the time that might be worth addressing.
    I think its instinctive after years of isolation and non improvement. I think I often come across aggressively as I see people as potential enemies and so not friendly although I cant smile and have no witty chat anyway so have mostly given up. However my home life from about 11 onwards was often stressful and miserable so I was unhappy all the time anyway.

    Quote:
    A great thing you can do, as I have been trying to practice is not jumping to snap conclusions about other people if you don[t understand them. Always stop and think, be humble and acknowledge you don't actually know this person. For me, this helps me realise that if anyone else doesn't practice the same, it's their problem and not mine.
    I think anxiety and complete isolation can often lead to depression and paranoia which is mostly ignored in connection with anxiety. I have tried to think differently and yet just going to the supermarket today was highly stressful and I hated it. Its like once the switch in my head is activated its very hard to turn it off or whatever I tell my mind to think it ignores me anyway. This is why I believe CBT therapy would be useless for me.Perhaps my depression would need to be cured first as without getting rid of this first I have no motivation to do anything and get into furious tempers.
    Posted 25th January 2017 at 15:36 by indigo777 indigo777 is offline
  18. Old Comment

    Shy people, egocentric?

    I agree with the post. Also some people that aren't SA can also care about how they look, have an ego. I'd they didn't they wouldn't find a need to tease others they see as different or a need to be dominant.
    Posted 14th January 2017 at 10:46 by healingsoul healingsoul is offline
  19. Old Comment

    Shy people, egocentric?

    The whole 'shyness is egotistical' narrative is from people who don't have first hand experience of what it's like.

    You have to remember that the way people judge you for doing nothing wrong is their problem and not yours. The behaviour being talked about is NOT defendable. It's entirely understandable why you might see people as potential enemies.

    The only thing I want to bring-up is, can you identify any ways the fear and lack of trust of people might make you behave? It's how you might behave when you meet new people, and what's on your mind at the time that might be worth addressing.

    A great thing you can do, as I have been trying to practice is not jumping to snap conclusions about other people if you don[t understand them. Always stop and think, be humble and acknowledge you don't actually know this person. For me, this helps me realise that if anyone else doesn't practice the same, it's their problem and not mine.
    Posted 14th January 2017 at 02:39 by hollowone hollowone is offline
  20. Old Comment

    Shy people, egocentric?

    Interestingly I posted on a Buddhist board and their conclusion was an 'inverted ego', identifying with all the me-thoughts that were negative as the ego will take attention over nothing, it was an interesting theory.
    Posted 13th January 2017 at 08:26 by affluenza affluenza is offline

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