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2 Steps forward and 2 steps back

Posted 11th November 2018 at 21:59 by mutedsoul

I feel there has been quite a few changes for me in 2018.
[LIST][*]I started a College course[*]My sister left off to university[*]I met a supportive colleague[*]I did a full time job that was the highest paying job I have had[/LIST]
I feel I have felt a varied spectrum of emotions this year, although more tilted towards the negative side.

This week has been great as I gave myself a haircut, have been going gym so things looked positive. However, on the social aspect it has been quite bad though I did feel I learnt some things.

Whilst I was at my highest paying job, 10 an hour, it isn't that much pay, but is for me as I still live with my mum. Although the environment was toxic to an extent and I had times of feeling really low to the point of cutting myself, only tiny cuts though; it was a time of stability. Cause I was making money and the job was straight forward, easy to travel to as well, I didn't worry about money. Infact, I was going to move out but declined last minute cause I knew the stability would be lost. At that job I met a supportive colleague as well who helped me feel less anxious and important enough that I felt calmer at periods whilst at that job and was less anxious about dressing well. However, since the job was cleaning university accommodations, the supportive colleague looked down on me for it. Other people did as well and said I should go to uni. I should fight to be successful. Before that job I was a Kitchen Porter and had had the same thing said to me. So I kind of followed the advice, as this colleague seemed mentally calm and had successful daughters, so I wanted the same.

At the same time whilst at this job, I felt the most pressure I had felt to be more social. To fit in, be a people'e person. To the point imagining that I may have aspergers seemed painful and limiting to me.

Now, this week, especially I am back to where I was before the job. I have less of a need to fit in, would still like to somehow be a people's person though. But I am also suspecting I have aspergers due to repeating negative social situations. I have an urge to do something I am naturally good at rather than to look normal. I am also all over the place mentally. I told one colleague that I am quitting my current job as I feel like the job isn't for me. I am also at the point of telling my college that I am dropping out.

[SIZE="4"]Why so drastic?[/SIZE]

Since leaving the cleaning job, I was deeply influenced by the supportive colleague. She was not afraid to voice her opinion and say if she didn't like a job. She cared more about wellbeing than overworking. Although I called that cleaning job toxic, I would say some colleagues were toxic but if I think about the job itself, some aspects of it were very good. I miss being left alone to do my job and not being constantly watched. The 1 hour breaks were good. Although the colleagues were toxic I feel the supportive colleague made them appear more toxic than they were as she enjoyed gossiping to me about them. I feel that if we didn't gossip I would have a bit of a less tainted view of certain colleagues.

Since leaving the cleaning job, I was more fussier over what job I got admittedly. I wouldn't accept certain KP jobs I had done before for example. It's like I feel more entitled or know my rights. At the same time, as my supportive colleague advised me to do more customer oriented job as I am fluent at English I applied for a few jobs out of my depth. A pub job comes to mind, where I failed the interview. She was good with people and good at reading them, but now I feel that her view of personality is a bit limited as she is an extrovert, but not everyone has to be an extrovert. She talked negatively of some of the quiet colleagues, calling them weak. I can imagine she probably spoke of me behind my back.

But since starting this current job I managed to get a new part time job. It isn't bad, I am a stockroom assistant for a paint and plastering shop. The guy I work with is quiet like me. And just like I loved the energy of the supportive colleague to the point it felt sweet, I like the energy of this guy , it seems calm and understanding. So from this job I re learnt that it is okay to be quiet, to not fit into what society calls normal. At the old job it didn't help that some of the different departments gave me the silent treatment and the toxic boss literally ignored me and called me quiet like it was a bad thing to be.

Once again at college though I find it hard to fit in, even the people I hang around with it feels like I am the 3rd wheel and just follow them around sometimes to not look like an outcast loner. I do feel I am able to get on with one girl though, she is also a bit socially awkward like me though. For the past two weeks at my current job, a guy has been doing extra shifts as a girl left without notice. He seemed irritated last week and gave signals as to how he thought I was somehow off or socially inadequate. The boss, although not bad blames us for his own mistakes. For example, I was portioning primer in the storeroom, he came in with his business suit and it accidentally went on his trousers, he then ranted on about how the storeroom should be organised. Well would a businessman walk about carelessly in a room that is being renovated. You wanna keep clean, stay in neat places. Other things such as no break, only 10-15 minutes. Unwashed plates,the boss literally rinsed his plate after eating and called it clean, no microwave but a dirty mini oven that is never cleaned around the paint and plaster stock (that sounds petty) just made me feel like I don't fit in that job. It isn't bad, but it goes against what I like, who I am as a person. So I have decided I am leaving the job and am probably going back into temping.

Surprise, surprise, as I mentioned before I also feel for me it is also right to quit my course. It's not that I don't like it. But I feel I pushed myself into it, am not ready to study currently. And maybe it wasn't the best optimised choice for who I am as a person. I will probably go back into education, but currently with my mind being all over the place, no stable income, seriously craving some stability or at least a job I am comfortable enough with, like the previous cleaning job; my college course isn't my top priority. Something I have noticed is that I am a detail oriented or precise person when it comes to tasks. I think I should be focusing on jobs and maybe even courses that favour that characteristic. I have been criticised for being too perfect and slow at my cleaning job and other jobs, but also know that some jobs or skills that require detail would favour the fact that I like to be detailed.

Also, I am all over the place because sometimes I feel my mum who is mentally ill, isn't the most financially responsible person and expects me to support her. But tbh, as bad as it sounds I can't financially support her as I honestly find it hard to fit into most workplaces, hence I suspect I am autistic, and my happiness is important to me. Other stuff as well to do with finding myself seem to involve me distancing myself a bit more from my mum. I feel I have to move out to really learn who I am and gain some confidence. That would be harder with college. I know I can wait till next year and go to university, but what if all my other problems exist still?

If I quit college and go back into minimum wage and status jobs I guess I have to deal with the judgements and the lack of ambition assumptions. But I also feel that I may have more freedom to do what I actually care about doing in my spare time and invest in learning stuff in my spare time.
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