Opened Eyes
Posted 29th May 2016 at 15:02 by Amara 94
Last week I can say that I had a good week, which is very rare for me.
I started work experience at Unilever. Whilst I can say that I still encountered usual social problems and anxiety so far it has been a good, eye opening experience and motivated me to try more with my job search. So far my work experience isn't my dream job or even my dream job environment but it does show what is possible if I try harder. I like the amount of independence and freedom that the department I'm working at seems to get, 10am starts, can work from home, free ice creams and drinks, free resources, not needing to always work in the office; although tbh I find I wouldn't work in my room, there are far too many distractions. Work doesn't always need to be somewhere where it feels like you sacrifice your soul to get by like I felt before.
It seems like the department I'm working at doesn't seem to require too much technical skills, it seems to require lots of soft skills though. I think the designers in the office have a more specialist job, I don't know what their job entails though. Maybe it's because I am doing a traineeship, which isn't high level, but from what I've seen over the last week although working in my department may require more commitment than a typical retail job, due to the amount of autonomy a worker gets, I don't feel that it is much harder than a typical retail job for a typical non SA person. It seems to give you more of a voice and job status though which is a really attractive deal.
Additionally I also had an interview with Accenture, which I really want to get into. I prepared for the interview, feel I did alright but also worry that I may not have answered some questions clearly enough which might mean that I don't get pass the interview stage. I hope I do but feel that there is a fair chance that I won't.
Dressing smart and experiencing a bit of the corporate culture, especially when I had the interview made me feel like I was on the other side of the coin. I felt like I had more of a voice, power, status, was successful despite still having no money and being Socially anxious and awkward.
I don't know if this is wrong of me, part of me feels bad and part of me feels good for this. I saw an old college peer who use to ignore me when I use to greet him back in Sixth Form, travelling back from the interview. He was cooler than me, maybe average, I had absolutely no friends just fake friends and a very few acquaintances. Anyways I pretended to not notice him and didn't greet him despite him sitting two seats away from me as that is how I felt he and in fact a lot of other College peers treated me back in college. At the end it seemed like he noticed me as well. I feel bad in the sense that I'm scared that if I was truly more successful, or did land a good job I might change into the person I hate. An overly proud jerk who thinks he is better than others and looks down on others. On the other hand I felt that if he wanted to he could have greeted me and felt that feeling good about myself gave others a bit less power to influence how I feel. However last week I saw an acquaintance I used to briefly speak to in college and talked to him we caught up with what each of us were doing.
In my neighbourhood I also feel misunderstood by my neighbours and looked down on for being anxious. My local Tesco security guard seems to give me a dirty look now, I can imagine him calling me a wasteman and bumbaclot if he were to vocally confront me. I said hello, in a more confident than usual tone as I felt happy, to some neighbours. They didn't seem to share the enthusiasm or even ask questions as to why I am dressed in a suit. It is understandable I suppose, I mean I am so anxious that my neighbours don't know me and probably have a false, distorted view of who I am. But, judging by the vibe, if I were to get a job and some cash, even though my estate seems relatively safe crime wise, I would love to move to a new area and have a new start. I feel judged way too much for just my anxiety by people who don't really know me where I live.
I started work experience at Unilever. Whilst I can say that I still encountered usual social problems and anxiety so far it has been a good, eye opening experience and motivated me to try more with my job search. So far my work experience isn't my dream job or even my dream job environment but it does show what is possible if I try harder. I like the amount of independence and freedom that the department I'm working at seems to get, 10am starts, can work from home, free ice creams and drinks, free resources, not needing to always work in the office; although tbh I find I wouldn't work in my room, there are far too many distractions. Work doesn't always need to be somewhere where it feels like you sacrifice your soul to get by like I felt before.
It seems like the department I'm working at doesn't seem to require too much technical skills, it seems to require lots of soft skills though. I think the designers in the office have a more specialist job, I don't know what their job entails though. Maybe it's because I am doing a traineeship, which isn't high level, but from what I've seen over the last week although working in my department may require more commitment than a typical retail job, due to the amount of autonomy a worker gets, I don't feel that it is much harder than a typical retail job for a typical non SA person. It seems to give you more of a voice and job status though which is a really attractive deal.
Additionally I also had an interview with Accenture, which I really want to get into. I prepared for the interview, feel I did alright but also worry that I may not have answered some questions clearly enough which might mean that I don't get pass the interview stage. I hope I do but feel that there is a fair chance that I won't.
Dressing smart and experiencing a bit of the corporate culture, especially when I had the interview made me feel like I was on the other side of the coin. I felt like I had more of a voice, power, status, was successful despite still having no money and being Socially anxious and awkward.
I don't know if this is wrong of me, part of me feels bad and part of me feels good for this. I saw an old college peer who use to ignore me when I use to greet him back in Sixth Form, travelling back from the interview. He was cooler than me, maybe average, I had absolutely no friends just fake friends and a very few acquaintances. Anyways I pretended to not notice him and didn't greet him despite him sitting two seats away from me as that is how I felt he and in fact a lot of other College peers treated me back in college. At the end it seemed like he noticed me as well. I feel bad in the sense that I'm scared that if I was truly more successful, or did land a good job I might change into the person I hate. An overly proud jerk who thinks he is better than others and looks down on others. On the other hand I felt that if he wanted to he could have greeted me and felt that feeling good about myself gave others a bit less power to influence how I feel. However last week I saw an acquaintance I used to briefly speak to in college and talked to him we caught up with what each of us were doing.
In my neighbourhood I also feel misunderstood by my neighbours and looked down on for being anxious. My local Tesco security guard seems to give me a dirty look now, I can imagine him calling me a wasteman and bumbaclot if he were to vocally confront me. I said hello, in a more confident than usual tone as I felt happy, to some neighbours. They didn't seem to share the enthusiasm or even ask questions as to why I am dressed in a suit. It is understandable I suppose, I mean I am so anxious that my neighbours don't know me and probably have a false, distorted view of who I am. But, judging by the vibe, if I were to get a job and some cash, even though my estate seems relatively safe crime wise, I would love to move to a new area and have a new start. I feel judged way too much for just my anxiety by people who don't really know me where I live.
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