As we get older...
 

does anyone find their anxiety settling or worsening?

speaking as a 34 year old woman, mine definitely seems to be worsening.
I just feel so bland and personality-less... the older I get the blanker I become, like I'm losing vital parts of myself. Maybe it is bitterness or the fact that time marches on and nothing changes except that we age. At least when I was a younger person I could delude/excuse my anxiety as a lack of experience or an hormonal phase in life. Now it feels there is no excuse for the way I am and what I am becoming. I can barely understand myself and how I'm supposed to act anymore. I feel more and more detached, even from friends who I used to have a connection with. More than that, I have no real desire to maintain these old friendships and connections. I become more withdrawn the older I get. I have always been anxious, but now I feel jaded with life too.

Re: As we get older...
 

^ Mmm, yes I think I can relate, I'm 36 and have a feeling of emptiness these days that I never used to have. And I also feel far less connected to the friends I do have than I used to.

For me I put this down to circumstances though, i.e. I spend 95% of most days alone, so who wouldn't feel empty in such a scenario? And I think with friends it's natural for people to drift away from each other over the years, people change as they grow older, especially if you met them when you were young adults or earlier. My problem personally is that I don't get to meet new people much, although I think it is harder to form friendships when you're older anyway.

As for anxiety, I don't really feel that's worse than it was when I was younger, if anything it's better. I just feel more depressed. You do sound like you're blaming yourself for having anxiety in a way though, it's really not your fault.

Re: As we get older...
 

0-12 Happy as Larry
13-19 Awkward
20s Anxious af
30s Much less anxiety but completely ruined

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^ That's almost a mirror image of me, except I'd say I was extremely anxious from 13 to mid twenties. Apart from that exactly the same as you.

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I can totally relate scarletgirl although I am considerably older than you.

In some ways I am less anxious but that's probably because I'm more avoidant than I was in the past. I'm settled into a safe comfort zone and no longer have the energy or motivation to make any changes. With every passing year feelings of disappointment and regret about not having achieved all of the things that I once hoped for have been very hard to bare but now I think I've fallen into a state of acceptance. It's like I'm just hanging around waiting for someone to say times up. But that's okay.

Re: As we get older...
 

I do feel this way, but not sure why,
I think I have always avoided conflict, as it was often quite brutal in my early years,
I see conflict as something almost poisonous, so never really tackle it,
unfortunately, it's probably a big part of life and how you respond to it (or avoid it)
as I've avoided facing up to bullies or unsociable behaviour I've found myself becoming more and more silent, weaker, withdrawn,

Re: As we get older...
 

My anxiety is actually gradually improving, well, more in fits and starts, probably. I think this is partly getting older (I'm 45 next month) and giving less of a damn about what people think about me, but also a conscious desire to work on the SA - I did some CBT not long ago and I am partly following up on that (though perhaps not as well as I should be). I've done a number of things in the past few years that have bitten into my SA - volunteering, Meetup.com and SAUK meetups, chess club, language classes, etc.

The above being said, although my social skills are somewhat better and I have tons of life experience (e.g. having lived in several different countries, having had multiple partners), I still feel parts of me have scarcely advanced since the awkward teenager stage, and this is a worry. So I can partly relate to the OP. The acid test will be can I hold down an open-office job? And that test may be coming quite soon!

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^ No it absolutely shouldn't there is always a chance for things to get better and for people to feel better at any age.


For me my anxiety has got better with age, the worst years were my teenage years because I was struggling so much and had no idea why or what was wrong with me. Then my twenties were bad because I was struggling with multiple mental health problems and huge amounts of guilt and feeling that everything was my fault and I should be able to 'get better' but I'm just wasn't trying hard enough.

Now I have more knowledge and understanding of myself and what my problems are and I've let go of some of that guilt and the feeling that I was letting my parents down. My depression has lifted a lot, I'm in a much better situation, relationships between my family have got a lot better. My anxiety has lessened, I've still got a long way to go but I don't beat myself up for not making more progress anymore.

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Looking back, I don't think my issues have been on a constant path, there have been ups and downs, so for me circumstance (and depression) has been more of a factor than age; like young limey, things for me improved after I built some sort of social life through meetup, SAUK meets, the Ramblers and now travelling (although with the latter, the connections I make are very temporary). However, I didn't really start getting my anxiety under control until I was in my 50s and I hope all those people posting here who are in their 30s (which, admittedly, wasn't a great time for me - not the latter part of that decade anyway) will get things under control earlier in life than I did.

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I am over 40 now, so an oldie. The sheer, raw terror has diminished. I mean the actual social anxiety. It’s still there, but around 50 or 60% weaker. The withdrawal/introversion/general avoidance, however, is getting worse. The world just doesn’t seem real anymore. I also feel such overwhelming shame at my life story that I push everyone away.

Truth is I have given up. The idea of a deep, loving sexual relationship, or kids, or a big circle of friends, just seems laughable. During those crucial years, from 10 or 11 to 30, when I should have been building social skills, forming friendships, experimenting with sex, going away to university, travelling, starting a career, having kids, etc, I was crippled with paranoia, social anxiety, an avoidant personality disorder and toxic shame. I may as well have been locked in prison for 20 years. Now, the social anxiety has massively reduced, to the point where I could almost live a normal life, but it’s too late. One of God’s many sick jokes. And please don’t tell me it’s never too late. It is. I am so ashamed of the life I have lived I couldn’t look a partner or child in the face. And that sense of shame means I push everyone away. I have given up on real life and the real world and just live in a world of books, art and ideas.

Re: As we get older...
 

There are people out there who would relish such an existence. But I get where you're coming from.

I do think, however, it's never too late.

Re: As we get older...
 

^^Have you read Gregvert and Ajax's posts? Now, no they weren't exactly in your situation, I'm not saying they were, but there's still a lot on becoming happier after 40. And you may be able to have some of what you want, even if you can't have all of what you want. I hope I'm not being too Pollyannaish.

Re: As we get older...
 

Perhaps it is rare, although I suspect not as rare as people might think, but I have known of people who have endured decades of an 'unlived' life but at the age of 40 and beyond have gone on to achieve what they had long ago dismissed as the unobtainable.

Posts such as Jimmy's and HH's touch me greatly and I would never wish to discredit any individuals feelings and unique personal experiences, but I would also hate to think that there are people here who might be thinking that if they haven't properly lived by the age of 30 that their life is effectively over.

I knew of someone who had lived a very isolated life. They had no friends, had barely worked, and had never been in a relationship. Then at the age of 40 they met someone, fell in love, and even became a parent. I also know of someone who had their first ever romantic relationship around the age of 55 and has since set up home with their (twice married partner). I only mention this, because the fact that one half of the couple had no previous relationship experience was obviously irrelevant to the other (as is the way if you meet the right person) and certainly no cause for shame. Thank goodness these people didn't convince themselves that because they had spent decades not reaching the milestones that a lot of their peers were reaching at the time that they had missed the boat and should resign themselves to a lonely miserable old age.

I'm sorry, but I personally believe that it's never too late for anyone. Of course, I don't necessarily always believe this for myself, lol, but when it comes to others my view is far less cloudy.

Also, for many, it is possible to live a very content and fulfilling life as a single person. If crippling social anxiety no longer stands in your way then their are opportunities to pursue all sorts of enjoyable pastimes. Travelling and/or joining a group of people who share similar interests for instance. Are such people really going to be concerned or judgmental because someone else didn't do X, Y or Z in their youth some 20 or 30 years before? Not every guy was partying hard, sleeping around, etc, during their long lost youth.

I really think it's terribly sad for anyone to write themselves off at 30 or 40 something.

The future doesn't have to be utterly bleak.

@ Choirgirl - I don't think you (or even me!!) are being too pollyanna-ish. Just trying to show that while life is never going to be all hearts and flowers it doesn't have to be a big fat hopeless turd either.

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^ Great post! It can't be quoted but it should be framed.

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I wonder what people get out of repeatedly telling others to give up hope? Is it jealousy because they don't want to see people they relate to doing things they would like to do (even though they pretend they're no longer interested)? It seems odd to read stuff like that on what is supposedly a support forum, and it seems to be happening a lot lately from certain people. Luckily there are those who either have, or know others who have, "turned things around" later in life who can offer encouragement and advice based on reality.

Re: As we get older...
 

^^ I used to ponder such questions, Jen, but I've been hanging around this place for seven years now (almost exactly) and I have seen so much of this. I shouldn't really speak for anyone else (he says, just before doing so!), but I do think that some of those who seem to have a more negative outlook are trying to be supportive, in a kind of "if you think it's all over, you're not the only one and you don't need to feel bad about giving up" way. It's also worth remembering that many of us here (probably most) suffer with depression and anyone who has experienced it knows that depression takes not only hope but also any will, energy or ability to overcome it - or anything else; in short, depression steals our futures. As I was when I arrived here, many people are viewing these forums through the fog of depression and that is going to have an impact on how they think and how they post.

I was quite naïve when I landed here and imagined that it would be a place where everyone was looking to find a way out of their situations and move towards a better life, but (although it took a while, until after my own situation started improving) I came to realise that isn't the case; there are people here in different states of mind, some who have given up and are trying to come to terms with the life they have, others who are not ready to move forward but may try to do so in the future, some who are looking to move forward but don't know how or see the task ahead as a long and hopeless one (it is long, but not hopeless), others who are on that road but may have experienced setbacks (we all do, it isn't one long upward curve) and those who are moving forward and whose anxiety is becoming under control (this is a very broad categorisation in the interests of not having an endless sentence)! This is a support forum which doesn't necessarily mean a self-help forum (although I like to think of it as both) so there is room for everybody.

I think that my own confrontation with reality came about four years ago, when I was asked by some members to stop posting about how well things were going for me and not to be overly positive in my posts, because it was seen as not helpful to those who do not have the opportunity to make advances; my natural instinct was (and still is), when I see someone who appears to be crying out for help, to do all I can to offer what help and advice (however, remembering that what worked for me doesn't apply to everyone so trying to put on my empathetic hat and see life from their viewpoint - who says autists can't have empathy) I could, but apparently I was being far too optimistic, according to some of the criticism I received. I am still trying to do what I can to help, whilst at the same time trying not to appear over-optimistic and not talking about the good things in my life (which is why I created a new account on which to post my travel blog); I'm trying to find a balance so that I can do what I have stuck around to do (offer help and support as well as - if this doesn't sound too self-absorbed and egotistical - inspiration, as someone who changed his life quite late, to show that there is still hope whatever age one is) whilst not upsetting those who don't want help - of course, another reason I am still here is that there are many people here who have become part of my life (even though most don't know it) and whose company I value, even though it's only online (I still harbour hopes of meeting them one day though).

When I joined SAUK there were a number of inspirational people here, pretty much all of whom have moved on; there are still inspirational people here, although some of them don't realise how valuable their contributions are - I have seen posts from people who are quite self-deprecating, but which are so supportive and helpful and I do wish those people (I am not going to name them here, because I would doubtless leave out someone and I wouldn't want them to think that they're not appreciated) would realise that they have so much to offer, not just online but in the real world. I notice that choirgirl mentions Ajax Amsterdam in her post above and he was one of my inspirations, since, like me, he changed his life in his late 40s / early 50s - although both of us had to hit rock bottom before things changed; I don't want to talk about Ajax' situation, as he's not here these days (sadly missed), but for me there was a point where I felt that either I had to find a way out or end it all - and luckily, largely thanks to SAUK, I was able to do the former. Maybe there are others here who feel hopeless right now but need a similar catalyst for change - if there are, I just hope that (a) they find it earlier in their lives than I did in mine and (b) that they choose the same option I did.

One theme which recurs here is people who mention the "lost" years (usually their 20s and/or 30s), in which they feel that they should have been running around being promiscuous, reaching "life milestones" and "achieving" whatever it is they feel that society expects them to achieve; I wish they would realise that, with the issues they face (anxiety, mental disorders, depression, toxic shame etc.), surviving is in itself an achievement. It is always possible to move forward from any point in life, but placing so much importance on what has been "lost" (in truth, the majority of people are not having the wonderful life we think they are having and they have their own issues with which to contend - yes, they might be "problems we'd like to have", but they are still problems and to them, probably the most important problems in the world - the things and "achievements" they have that we covet do not make them happy, that comes from somewhere else - it can be affected by external influences, of course, but essentially it comes from within) is only going to have a negative impact on the improvements to our lives that we can make from this point forward. I would love to have started living the life I have now twenty-five years ago, but I didn't and I can't change that, so I am extremely grateful for what I have now and my past is my past, I am only living in the present and the future (I need to work on IMOM's blog, so those who want to can see what my life - or one aspect of it - looks like, but living tends to get in the way of blogging). We all have to find our own way of living and set our own goals (however insignificant those goals may seem - we can always set bigger ones when we reach the first ones, we move forward in small increments, not massive leaps and bounds), not be bound by what we think society expects of us; our achievements, even the apparently smallest ones, are great and just as valuable as anyone else's, given that we are starting with numerous impediments. Society is not as judgmental as we think (I know there are judgmental people out there, we should pity them for what they lack in their own lives which gives them the need to judge others) and now that I have ventured into the real world, I would say that 90% of those I have met, when they hear my back-story, have been incredibly supportive and genuinely full of praise - often to the point of my own embarrassment, if I'm honest - about how things have changed for me; some people even refuse to believe that I'm autistic (I still have external traits, but they are nowhere near as obvious they used to be) or that I suffer with excessive anxiety (it rears its head on occasion, but is mostly under control - I have no idea what a "normal" level of anxiety would be, but I think that I am close to it and would say that I no longer have an anxiety disorder), which I take as a compliment and an indicator of how far I have come in the last five years. However, I am not exceptional in any way - I did have to make small changes, like learning about non-verbal communication, in order to facilitate better acceptance in the social arena, but mostly what changed for me was my way of thinking, to accept that the past is the past, that I do have something to offer to the world and to realise that the future is mine to mould (to a certain extent, I still have to live within limitations, given that I have no career and haven't won the lottery yet). Five years ago, I didn't even dream that I could be living the life I have now - all I wanted was to be able to socialise and not be completely isolated from the world (for those who don't know, when I joined SAUK I was completely agoraphobic) so there is no knowing where those first steps forward might take us.

I am sorry for the length of this post, I intended something much more concise but as I was writing, more came to me and it went off on a couple of tangents (not for the first time). Coming back to my original response to Jen's post, I do find it frustrating that there are people here who seem to have given up, but I can only hope that for many of them, it's a temporary situation and that some point in the future, they will be ready to move towards a better life (which may not be the one of which you dream, but better than what you have now). I apologise to those who find my posts nauseating, but if I can help to improve even one person's life (again, if that isn't too big-headed), then there is a point to my continued presence on SAUK. Meanwhile, I hope those who aren't ready to move forward, find the support they need here.

TL:DR This is a support forum and there is a place for those who believe that they have no chance of improving in the future; the balance is to support those who are not ready to move forward, whilst offering help and advice to those who are - and remembering that it's never too late to change your life (sorry for that last bit, I hope it's not too optimistic!).

Re: As we get older...
 

Or maybe they have fun on their own terms? I mentioned this in my post above (and don't worry, this isn't going to be anywhere near as long) but everyone else isn't having as much fun as we think they are. In fact, many are trapped into doing what they think they should be doing to have fun (for some, sleeping around, for others, getting drunk every Friday night, etc.) but remain unfulfilled, because they haven't discovered that the real secret to "happiness" (or contentedness, because happiness is always a temporary state) is to accept who we are and live our lives in a way which works for us, instead of conforming to societal norms.

@scarlettgirl: sorry for monopolising your thread, I hope I haven't taken it too far off-topic?

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Thanks for the post, GI. I automatically went to click a "like" button the bottom right corner but realised that was from a different forum :laughing: Hope you continue to add to the IMOM blog anyway because I've enjoyed reading it.

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Well said.

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^ If I am one of those to whom you are referring, you might wish to know that my anxiety did not abate over time - if anything, it got worse; it was hitting rock bottom which was the catalyst for change. Anxiety is a lifelong burden, it doesn't get better just because we develop coping mechanisms and learn to control it (instead of it controlling us).

I am sorry that, right now, you feel that change is impossible; I remember feeling that way myself, until six or seven years ago. It changed for me and I hope it will change for you, but if not then I hope that being here has been - and will be - of comfort to you.

Re: As we get older...
 

Good post, mutedsoul.

As far as I'm aware, you weren't one of those who told me to stop posting optimistic posts, but usernames do change over time and it's possible that you did so under another username. However, I don't think so. I have to admit that, at the time, I felt so frustrated here that I threw all my toys out of the pram and had everything from my account deleted, which is why I now have a join date of December 2016, instead of February 2013.

Re: As we get older...
 

On this subject, I just found the following words, from possibly one of the wisest men that ever lived. Hopefully some readers will find it helpful (if you can understand it, that is) but it's not always a comfortable read either, because much of it goes against what our society and modern way of life tends to tell us:


You are responsible only for what you can change. All you can change is only your attitude. There lies your responsibility. You cannot change your circumstances, but your attitudes you can change.

In reality things are done to you, not by you. Your desire just happens to you along with its fulfilment or non-fulfilment. You can change neither. You may believe that you exert yourself, strive and struggle. Again, it all merely happens, including the fruits of the work. Neither is by you and for you. All is in the picture exposed on the cinema screen, nothing in the light, including what you take yourself to be, the person. You are the light only.

Life itself is desireless. But the false self wants to continue - pleasantly. Therefore, it is always engaged in ensuring one's continuity. Life is unafraid and free. As long as you have the idea of influencing events, liberation is not for you: the very notion of doership, of being a cause, is bondage.

Everybody wants to be active, but where do his actions originate? There is no central point: each action begets another, meaninglessly and painfully, in endless succession. The alternation of work and pause is not there. First find the immutable centre where all movement takes birth. Just like a wheel turns round an axle, so must you be always in the centre and not whirling at the periphery.

Re: As we get older...
 

I would say now I'm 33 (soon to be 34..eek)

I've become more avoidant, I'll come up with alsorts of excuses so I can stay indoors, apart from work I go "out" maybe once a month, I order everything from the internet, have food delivered - I just don't like going out, some of that is my driving phobia but thats another issue entirely.

Part of me wants to make some friends, hell maybe even some sort of relationship but I struggle, I'm quite bland myself..don't seem to have any sort of hobbies anymore - work has sucked all the energy out of me (I have no idea how people manage to do work AND other things)

My anxiety though? I was much worse when I was younger - wouldn't look anyone in the face, mumbled my way through life, tried to fit in with others even if it was something I didn't really have any interest in, had alsorts of internal drama with myself due to being bullied during secondary school and such. Nowadays I don't really care, or I very rarely care what anyone thinks of me, I don't put on a facade..take me as I am or bugger off! If people think I'm ugly or boring, whatever! I defo care less now I'm in my 30's...I don't know if thats a good thing or not

I do want some excitement in my life but I think my avoidant ways are stopping me, not anxiety.

Re: As we get older...
 

^^^ I was wondering when you would put in an appearance on this thread! I agree with the first sentence of what you have quoted, but not the rest.

By changing your attitude, you can change your circumstance; admittedly, we are all limited by means and environment (to an extent) but within that, there lies a lot of scope for change.

I have no problem with your philosophy, lone*star (as you know) and it may bring comfort to some, but when you say things like "In reality things are done to you, not by you. Your desire just happens to you along with its fulfilment or non-fulfilment. You can change neither.", especially in the context of where this is being posted, my concern is that it encourages people to make no effort to change, since it implies that any effort will be fruitless, since if life just happens and we have no influence on anything, then there is no point in bothering.

I am so glad that I didn't have that mindset five years ago: we can't necessarily influence the entire world (unless we start or join some sort of greater movement, of course) but we can influence ourselves and those closest to us. For me, liberation came in the form of realising that only I (I know you will take issue with this, we've had a similar argument previously) can change my life and whilst admitting that I can't do everything that I want (which is why I am here posting on this board right now instead of exploring the Antarctic or travelling through India - both of which I intend to do within the next five years), I have been able to change my circumstances considerably for the better. You talk of bondage, but anxiety and isolation are bondage, at least for those who want a life outside those limitations.

I'm not going to debate this further with you, so there is no point in multi-quoting so you that you can find some issue with each line. I am not saying that there is no truth at all in your words, or that my way of thinking is the only way forward - all I am saying is that, sometimes, what you write can be demoralising rather than helpful.

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@ gregarious introvert - I can only speak for myself, but I hope that you will continue to post here for many years to come. It's so inspiring to hear how you have managed to improve your life relatively late in life (you are far from old!!). I know that it hasn't been at all easy for you either and that for a period of time you were Agoraphobic and have also had to cope with Aspergers. It's commendable that you are here to share your story and to give others, particularly at the beginning of their mental health journey, a little hope. A lot of members move on when their lives improve so I think it's great when people such as yourself stick around to share their experiences and to talk about what has helped them :smile2:

As for the posts that tell of the misery and hopelessness of living with mental health issues I think they are incredibly important too. If people feel that their life is effectively over then they should never feel uncomfortable about admitting this on a mental health support forum. It can be comforting for others to know that they are not alone in experiencing feelings of intense disappointment and regret about their past and can only imagine a bleak future.

I think it's great that there is something here for everyone: Posts to show others during their darkest times that they are far from alone with their feelings, and posts to show that it is never too late for improvements to be made and for some much happier periods to be experienced.

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^ Hear hear, Consolida.

Great posts from GI!

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Yes GI, that is exactly what he is saying. Change the way you see things, and the picture you're seeing then changes also. Just realise that you can't change the picture itself directly, only the way you're seeing it. (And even that single important concept is not easy for people to grasp and maintain in life, because we tend nowadays to be so concentrated on the final picture itself!)


Yeah, that bit is admittedly not so easy to understand. But then going back to what I just said above, what if we were to change the way we see the anxiety and isolation (remembering that we can't change them directly)? Is there a way of viewing apparently 'bad/negative' things like anxiety and isolation in a different way - a way which might then, possibly over time at least, change the outward picture for us also? That could mean, for example, that the anxiety itself lessens (seemingly of its own accord maybe) or that we simply develop a different, more agreeable relationship with it - which, of course, might end up having the same, more beneficial effect.


I know what you mean GI. But I suspect it's only demoralising if you're not fully grasping the intended meaning of the words (which, as I hinted at earlier, can be difficult sometimes.) I think we can all admit, that life is nothing if not complex, mysterious and often confusing. Having looked into the way it works more closely, over many years now, I can certainly report that life is stunningly paradoxical also! Things really aren't as they often seem. And therefore to try and describe these concepts to people can often sound, on the face of it, counter-intuitive and even just plain 'wrong'. There's no easy solution to that I'm afraid, other than let's keep learning from and understanding each other I guess.

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Really good post GI (the long one)

I find it quite amazing that you were told to stop posting about the positive movements in your life.
Depression & anxiety can instill a harem of misery, and that can manifest into the most basic and easiest of emotions - anger, envy, hate. So it is much more a reflection of the people asking you to stop posting, and their motivation in doing it.

You keep up that travel blog

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Or simply demoralisation? I didn't realise it before I was asked, but having been in that position myself, retrospectively I could see their point (and it was only three or four people).

Thank you to everyone who commented favourably on my post, I'm quite touched (and embarrassed!). No more, please!

Re: As we get older...
 

Quite. And he's not the only one who's been told to "put a sock in it" when they were posting positivity.