What's love got to do with it?
 

Hi everyone. Just looking for a bit of advice (and to offload slightly)

My boyfriend and i have just celebrated our ten year anniversary. We've lived togeather for eight years and don't have any children. We hit a bit of a rough patch a couple of years ago and due to some pretty big lies he told me i lost a lot of respect for him. I decided i wanted to stay with him and forgave him for what he'd done but since then i've slowly felt myself falling out of love with him but tried to bury the feeling.

Last night (after a weekend of arguing - something that we don't do that often) he revealed to me that although he still loves me and doesnt want us to split up, he's fallen out of love with me. I was devestated, even though i feel the same way, and told him that i'd been having that thought for a while too. Now we're completely stuck in limbo. We don't want to split up but we're no longer in love. Are we just delaying the inevitable by staying together or is this just a normal thing and part of a relationship process? Is it possible to fall back in love with someone or is 'being in love' just something you feel during the honeymoon period? What the hell is love?! I'm so confused.................

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

I think this is what happens to most couples after a while but they stay together because of children or other commitments, or because it's easier than separating. If you both want to stay together, and not just to avoid separating, then I think it could work if you accept that you've moved on from the honeymoon period and are now in a new phase, you would have to be honest with each other though.

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

Falling out of love usually means one of two things:

1) You've moved out of the exciting initial stages of a relationship (inevitable, love mellows out a bit over time).

or 2) You don't care about each other any more.

I lost a very long relationship to the latter, but it kinda only made sense to me after I read this book: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Love-You-But.../dp/0747585520

PS. Nice username. ;)

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

It's hard to tell without more information, but I think it's normal for couples who have been together for a long time to not feel in love all the time. I've been with my partner for 12 years (lived together for 10) and we don't feel "in love" all the time. It comes in waves. No matter what though, I always feel like he's my best friend and I'm comfortable with him. Sometimes things get boring when we settle in a routine... and we need to make an effort to make our life interesting again by doing different things together. Going on holidays, random trips, trying new hobbies, going out more, etc. Could it just be that things have become boring rather than not loving each other anymore?

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

I think it's normal, when living together, things may get boring at times. And no, I don't think love's got anything to do with it. It sounds like the perfect relationship, where you are comfortable around each other. Everything else...it's up to you to spice it up. And it sounds like you're doing a great job at it.

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

Thank you so much for your words and advice everyone. I don't have many people i can talk to about this, it's really comforting to hear other peoples views and experiences. I feel a bit more confident now that we can make this work with some changes, more input from us both and definately more honesty. It's maybe a bit naive of me to think we can be 100% in love 100% of the time. We both agree that we're stuck in a rut and the relationship has become stale but i guess the good part is that at least we've recognised it and we know we can attempt to do something about it instead of calling it a day. Thanks again guys.

Thanks for the book link too, i've just ordered a copy!

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

Arrgrhhh I should've said I've still got my old copy at home I could've posted it to you!! Anyway let me know what you think. I found it so useful for my understandings of love and relationships in general. I need to force my new boyfriend to read it.

Good luck. :)

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

I don't know if ill ever experience it. I've never had loads of partners, and between each I go through long periods of intermission. I've currently been single for a year, and this doesnt seem to be something that is going to change any time soon. I don't beat myself up about it anymore I.e. being single, or never being in 'true love' as I've come to understand that disappointment is only something you create yourself. Every partner I've had, I never really felt 'love', once I thought I did but it went tits up, ironic really haha. I would like to find that someone special, but given my previous experiences, and the lack of all confidence I suffer from, I'm just not sure what to expect.
Sorry if this post has come off as a little toi depressing by the way! Just dropped my Dominos pizza on the floor that I was saving from yesterday and the world has all but ended for me...

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

This book?

I Love You But I'm Not in Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship

New boyfriend?

Is that wise? :eekpurple :)

OP, hope you sort it out OK.

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

^Why wouldn't it be wise?

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

^ I'm half joking, but it just seems a bit strange to be thinking about saving a relationship when you've just started seeing someone.

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

Well the book contains lots of useful chapters about what love is and how different people express love in different ways and how differences can cause friction in relationships. Recommended reading for anyone and everyone I think.

I should've pointed out that it wasn't the bits about saving a relationship I wanted him to read! hehe.

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

It's no different from learning how to check the tyre pressures on a new car. I think. Hm... This is why I'm single.

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

I thought new relationships were more about checking the oil, if you get my drift.

Sorry. So sorry :headshake

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

I can't give personal advice really as never been in a relationship of that length. But are there any ways in which you can improve the relationship or (and I know this sounds cliché) 'reignite the spark'?

One things that can make people appreciate a relationship more is having a bit of time apart. Maybe take a bit of time, go on a holiday without him, or spend a little time away. Then you can think clearer and you can discover whether you miss him or whether you actually quite like having the space. You may both end up missing each other and it could help you realise that you actually both do care more than you thought.

You could also try doing lots of fun things together. Return to what you were like at the beginning of the relationship before a rigid domestic life became the norm. Go on dates, holidays, spend time together doing things you both enjoy.

Obviously for it to work you need complete honesty between the two of you. No more lies and no more secrets.

Good luck :smile2: I do worry that so many relationships lose their spark and people end up falling out of love. How long does 'being in love' last for most relationships? Can it last forever? :confused:

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

Long term relationships can get a bit dull if you don't work at them. It is very easy to take each other for granted and just get into a typical mundane daily script. This does not mean that the relationship is doomed (though you don't say what he lied about - if he was unfaithful or he stole money off you then that is different), it just means that you got to work on it a bit harder. You probably need to get away together and reconnect (not sure how severe your SA is) - can you take a break? Also sometimes it helps if you have something in common, other than that you live in the same house - but shared interests help - is there anything outside the house that you do together or share? I am not an expert, but I have been living with my husband for nearly 10 years too and these things worked for me.

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

Just seen this - good luck :smile2:

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

Hi FeadHuck

I've been going thru this for a couple of years now - we are 20yrs together and 2 kids - mid life crisis status (since I was born in my case!)

I find it hard to 'give of myself' - which does not make relationships with me easy. Alongisde being non communicative and not great at being aware of feelings my own and othersi- makes me a fab mixutre!!!!!

Anyhow - we were at the point of me looking to move out - it would probably have been permanent and meant selling the 'home' - seeing kids as and when etc Pretty much a waste of a lot of time and love and fun.....

THing is we both knew it was not the 'right thing' and for the first time in a long time (many years) we managed to 'communicate' our thoughts.

This has kinda led to giving it another chance but from almost a new start point - any pressure is kinda off - we know what is at stake - if it doesnt happen then it doesnt happen - but we have managed to get it back to a point where we can at least see a tunnel!

So I suppose I am saying if you can - give it a go - you say you both know where your at - so why not.

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

I agree. If I had to I would go to Relate before I gave up on my marriage if that was the only way to get us to communicate.

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

That's what happened to me and my ex.

After 7 years together we ended up in front of a RELATE counselor and he (my partner) refused to talk about the things I wanted to. That was the end of it. A good point to give up.

Always keep trying if you think there is something worth fighting for, I say. :)

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

Black Mamba, your new avatar is seriously scary :laughing:

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

Look whose talking. Clangers give me the creeps. :laughing:

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

:laughing: Yay, it worked! :laughing:

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

You enjoy terrorising me? lol :laughing:

Do you even know who my avatar is? I think you'd like him.

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

No who?

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

SAY MY NAME!

(Not mine, obvs)

*runs*

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

Sorry FeadHuck I always derail threads!!

It's a character out of the best TV program ever ever ever ever ever. Called Breaking Bad. And that's coming from someone who normally hates TV with a passion. Trust me, you'll love it. :D

Finished your homework? Guess not else you wouldn't be running. hehe

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

OMG, yes it is! I love that series! :d

I am the cause of the thread derail - sorry :embarrass:

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

Yay!!! :hug2:

I want to throw a BB house party one day. I'd dress up as Walter Jnr coz I got crutches. :thumbpur:

Re: What's love got to do with it?
 

Yes, this is definately something that has been lacking in our relationship for a while. We've made plans to start going on dates again, starting this sunday, and we're saving to go away next year. We've actually just been to Paris to celebrate our anniversay. Jesus, the most romantic city in the world and we come back from it almost split up! :eekpurple is there any hope?! I think if we'd have taken that trip after we'd had 'the talk' it would have been a bit different though.

We do have similar interests and things we enjoy doing together, which is a positive. Now we need to start making time for those things and not just pursuing our own individual stuff (and actually doing it instead of just making plans to!). It's sometimes difficult as the things we like to do always seem to involve spending money, something we never seem to have. Why is non of the fun stuff free? :d However, we both love things like picnics, co-op games on the xbox, watching films.... there's lots of little things we can do in between pay days :laughing:

Great reply, thank you! It gives me hope to read how you've managed to turn things around for yourselves. I hope things continue to get better for you :smile2:

No problem, i'm a massive BB fan so i don't mind!

Saul Goodman = best character in a TV programme, ever.

Thanks again for all your replies and advice everyone, i'm a bit overwhelmed actually! I'm used to just thrashing things out in my own head with nobody to talk to :screams: