[Merritt]

The way you describe it is exactly how I feel too, abc. I have no expectation to ever look 'good', and I'm fairly at peace with that (being dismissively told 'we can't all look like Johnny Depp' would make me lose faith that a therapist understood me at all) I'd be totally fine with just looking like an average human man, or even well below average. I genuinely feel like I'm deformed and damaged, that none of my features or proportions are right, and the stress it causes isn't about a desire to be attractive, it's the sense that I'm increasingly slipping away from looking like an actual person, like the stitching in my human suit are coming loose as time goes by.

It's funny, because I don't think anyone's outright drawn attention to my appearance since my school days (where everyone had some joke to crack), but that doesn't change how I feel because I've avoided most of the situations where people would point it out. I've never had a job, I don't go to pubs, I don't really go out anywhere at all, and don't dare make friends for fear of judgement and rejection, and certainly wouldn't even consider trying to have a relationship these days. I can't imagine the kinds of things that'd still be said about me if I had to live a normal lifestyle and had no choice but to mix with people.