Im totally hearing you.My heart goes out to you
And this is not going to being a post saying everything will work out just fine.
Alot of the time I feel the same, and it does feel like some torturous awful bad life. But life shouldnt be THIS HARD.
But SA does have stages..I am working, but I havent always.From the time I left highschool, I didnt work for five years, then I met a boy, fell in love, found the motivation to change my life, went and forced myself to do a two day bar course, the guy running it, said he has never seen anyone so nervous making a cocktail
But I stuck it out, terrifyingly got a job in a bar, which was a disaster, got a job in another bar that wasnt so flash, got a tiny bit of confidence,was still having shaky hands when pulling pints.. eventually, I became a very good barmaid, and worked at quite a few different pubs, nothing fancy.Did that for a few years, still had aspects of SA.
Then went through a bad patch,relationship finished, stopped working, got really low again, didnt work for years, became housebound (I HAVE AVOIDANT BEHAVIOUR BIG TIME) now I am working again, partime, have been for so many years, I still have SA, i do struggle with the people at my work, I struggle talking to them, but i have got a bit more comfortable.
So its not a everthing will turn out roses post, but things do change, even a little bit, for some others, something happens, and major changes happen.
I was very anti medication for quite sometime, ironically I used to pop recreational drugs for years at the weekends...but I was very scared of medication. I now know I need it, I am resigned to the fact, that my depression was so severe from the stuggle with SA.
that I needed medication and will stay on it forever.
You sound depressed, I dont know if you have tried therapy, medication??