Salutations Frustration,
I assume you created this thread to get some advice and help from people. So I hope you don't mind the advice and help I give you. I am honest and considerate. I understand the pain you are in and I have nothing but empathy for you, but I also understand one of the causes for the pain you are in, is your own internal self-talk. I would invite you read your post over and over again, until you start noticing just how negative, limiting and destructive your self-talk is to you. Until you continue to tell yourself this, I am afraid, your worst prediction will come true: You will not improve. You will remain just as you are, and maybe even worse.
I especially want to focus on this:
Quote:
I AM anxiety and depression.
Both are like a vital artery in my body that I cannot live without.
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If you are anxiety and depression, if they really are your vital arteries in your body, then you will always be that, otherwise you will be dead. There is no scope for change here, because you chosen to identify yourself with the pain. Now you have become that pain. And because you have become the pain, the possibility of lessening that pain, is actually an undermining and attack on who you are.
I think you will find upon more cooler self-analysis that you are not really anxiety and depression, because there will be times in your day to day life where there will be no anxiety or depression or significantly less. There maybe times, rare though they may seem, where you are actually happy, enjoying something. I strongly doubt in 31 years of your entire life you had not had these moments.
Yet your statement above seems to suggest you have an amnesia about these moments. It is far more easier to notice the negative moments in our life, than the positive moments. But this does not mean the positive moments never happened. I would invite you then to make a note of the positive moments in your day to day life. And also remember the positive moments in your whole life.
If you do this honestly you will immediately realise you are not anxiety and depression, because there are times when you feel positive as well. This may help you realise anxiety and depression is something that is associated with you at the moment, rather than it being you. Then there is scope for change and improvement. If something is associated with you, it is then by definition not you. This means this association can be broken. In this context, your association is with anxiety and depression, thus there is a possibility to completely eliminate anxiety and depression in you.
I know it is not easy and I am not going to pretend it is easy. It is possible though and even doable. Something tells me you don't really believe in the negative self-talk you wrote in your post, and that you actually do really want to change and your post on this forum is your bid to do that. You just want some help, advice and support, which this forum can definitely provide. However, for that help, advice and support to have any effect, you will need to shift your perspective and start to believe that change is definitely possible and you are not
really anxiety and depression.
The next step is to take to the path of change and self-development and stick to it. Keep going at your anxiety and depression and hit it with everything you can find. I have tried so many things with my SA, and though the SA is still there, it is much weaker than ever before, due to it getting so many blows from me.
Wishing you a good and swift recovery,
Warrior Spirit