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Originally Posted by Thousandmiles
@ Sunrise, I don't know what else to suggest other than talk to a professional, is there any chance you can see a therapist privately? Even for a few sessions? You've been treated for anxiety, but not BPD? I would be happy to share the new things I learn, but our problems are very different and I wouldn't want to cause more harm, you say you NEED to change, maybe you can find the strength in you to become less of a "difficult patient" by having as open mind as you can and collaborate? Wish you all the best  |
Thanks for your response. I have an appointment with a psychologist in July where I am going to attempt to explain everything. I think the problem I've had in the past is that I am so unstable I don't think anyone has ever worked me out. I'm full of contradictions and confliction. I'm neither one thing nor the other. I'm a mess.
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In my case I have a distorted self image, no stable sense of self, and very low self esteem that has led to complete and extreme avoidance of relationships.
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You say we're very different but we definitely have this in common, very much so. I have serious issues getting close to people and completely avoid romantic relationships. I completely blank out any interest shown in me, and then get upset because I'm convinced nobody is interested because I'm so ugly and such a horrible person. I have a massive fear or rejection, but it's almost like I want to be rejected. I look for rejection that isn't there, and I get upset that people have rejected me when in reality they haven't, and I have subconsciously rejected them. This probably is different to you but I definitely have major issues getting close to people and avoid romantic relationships.
I go through phases of acting out and acting in. For a long time it was mostly inward, hence my previous sa issues. I'm not very sa anymore which is a positive in a way, but I was probably a nicer person to be around when all my neurosis and complexes were directed inward rather than outward. I've behaved terribly recently. It almost got me sacked, I've lost friends and I've lost the respect of friends and colleagues. Some days I don't want to leave the house as I'm so ashamed of myself. I'm not sure it's irrational or not as I must come across as a very sorry individual at times. That's why I need to change. I can't keep destroying everything as one day there will be nothing left.