[Moksha]

I knew something was wrong at 9 or 10. I couldn't have put it into words, but I knew I wasn't going to be able to have proper relationships, go to parties, leave home, pursue a career etc. On the outside nothing was wrong: I was tall, healthy, strong, good-looking; inside, however, I was fu**ed. I couldn't bear any kind of exposure to shame or embarrassment. At around 9, I put up a sort of barrier between me and my parents, family, neighbors. All social interaction was torture. Aged about 10, my dad took me and one of my friends to the cinema. On the journey home, my friend said "wow, that actress was beautiful" (he was very mature for his age!), and I just clammed up. I couldn't bear it. Looking back, I'd say I had developed an avoidant personality disorder by 10 or 11. And children know. It's like gay, transvestite or transgender people. They will often say they just knew, even as toddlers.

I also suspect that many children have a kind of premonition about how life will work out. I can remember looking at another boy in my street (I would have been between 11 and 15) and thinking "yeah, it's ok for you...you'll be able to go out into the world and live a normal life." And he did. He went away to university, got married and now lives 20 miles away; I still live in the family home. It has simply not been a life worth living.