[tryinghard]

^I know what you mean, actually, and previously I didn't like labels. I think the only times I've thought of something as 'being me' has been more the work/perfectionism stuff and emotional inhibition. I guess it's stuff I haven't spent my life thinking 'this bothers me, I should change it', like I have the symptoms. It's been more 'who I am' and it's only recently really come to my attention that I need to change it. Working a lot, being a perfectionist....none of this stuff really bothers me. I would rather work and be productive than anything else, it feels like the core of my entire life and identity. It's more the symptoms that come out of that that bother me, and I guess the idea is I have to change in order for the symptoms to stop. It's not good enough for me to simply say 'well don't worry about that'. If I want to stop getting exhausted, I have to try and stop working and find other things to value....it's less like changing a symptom, more like changing my way of life. I dunno if I explained that well...

The same would go for emotional stuff. I spoke to a friend last night about some things that have made me angry and that I'd been ignoring because I don't like to be 'petty'. He told me he'd be furious in my circumstances and that I needed to speak up. As I said to him: I like being like this. I don't want to talk about my emotions, I just want people to behave themselves or allow me to get away from them if they refuse to behave themselves. But life doesn't work like that. Sometimes you end up in a job with someone who isn't going to 'behave' as I think one ought to, and then I will actually have to speak up. Yet I resent it, because I like being laid back and I don't want to have to moan that so and so hurt me, it pisses me off that I have to do that. So it's more this stuff I don't really WANT to change but kind of have to. If I could have no human needs (for rest, e.g.) and were a machine, I would be happy to dedicate my life to work completely, but my body won't let me. I have to change because I have limits. If everybody else just behaved properly, I wouldn't have to be assertive about my emotions, but I can't just ignore everyone who disrespects me anymore because I'm older now and sometimes you're trapped with these people, and then you have to be assertive. You can't always just walk away.