I just wanted to say a belated thank you to Shawa and Guest for your messages of support. Your kind words meant a great deal to me, and I apologise for not thanking you sooner.

Two months have almost passed since my first post but things haven't got any better. Infact, they are a whole lot worse. I would love to believe that things will get better and that I won't always feel this way but all I can see is more of the same: Loneliness, isolation, and the constant exhausting struggle of bringing up a child alone.

I thought about going to my GP for some anti-depressants, but I've taken various types so many times in the past and they never really made a lot of difference. Usually the side effects were so bad that I'd hide away under the bed covers for a few days until the nausea, lethargy, or whatever, wore off, but how could I do that when I need to be on my toes almost 24/7 for my lively toddler? When I had only myself to look after it didn't matter what pills I was popping into my mouth, but now I worry about the possible side effects and withdrawal symptoms. I have nobody who can take over the childcare on a daily basis if I wasn't well. Also, I just can't be bothered to walk down to the GP's Surgery, sit around in the waiting room, and plead for a bottle of pills that isn't going to put anything right in my life. All my motivation has gone. I feel exhausted all of the time and yet I lay awake half the night worrying.

I was seriously considering going to a Mother and Toddler group, psyching myself up as it were, but then I came across some other mum's experiences of these types of groups while surfing the net. Many of them talked about the cliqueness of such places, and said that they were sometimes left sitting alone in the corner with their child, while the other mum's that had become friends, gossiped away on the other side of the room. If non-sa people find these places daunting what hope is their for someone like me?!!!!

Shawa, your suggestion of joining a swimming group sounded great, especially as my little one loves splashing about in the bath. Trouble is, I piled on a load of weight while I was pregnant and I just don't think I could waddle around infront of anybody in a swimsuit. I feel disgusting inside and out. I must sound like a very selfish mother here. I know my poor child deserves so much better than to have a mother like me.

Guest, it sounds like your experiences at a Mother and Toddler group were very positive. If only I could be certain that it would be like that for me. I so want to be normal and meet other mum's and, more importantly, for my child to have some little playmates, but I find it impossible to start talking to strangers when my heart is racing, my hands and legs are trembling and my cheeks are burning scarlet!! Confronted with that sight alone, I'm sure that the other mum's would think I was weird and keep their distance. I could attempt going to a group, humiliate myself, and then never want to leave my front door again. Great if you have a child depending on you!

As for my ex, Guest, he has made it very obvious that he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about him. He's starting to move on with his life and is hoping to meet someone else to share his life with, and who can blame him! Anyway, sometimes love just isn't enough, and nothing on earth can change a bad set of circumstances. I feel more desolate and alone than I have ever felt before (and that's saying something!) and even my precious beautiful darling child isn't helping to numb the pain. Before I was a mother I could console myself with the thought of committing suicide if it all got too much. Now even that option is gone.

Maybe things will get better but I just can't see it at the moment.

I'm sorry for writing this self-pitying post. I must sound like such a terrible evil mother for feeling this way when so many people would give anything to have a beautiful child like mine.