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Originally Posted by Johnni
Thing is you say she was OK looking and then said she was a good looking girl, which is it? lol. I asked the question that way cos i wasn't sure if you were referring to her as OK looking by what others have said about her or your own view. I have seen people i know who would say something like 'my girlfriend is pretty attractive most people would say'.
I think in my case due to my lack of female interaction/attention i have grown somewhat more hooked onto looks as the main important thing when it comes to attracting a partner. It's easy to blame how you look on why you havent had much success rather than other things or in my case not hardly doing things where i would meet women around my age.
If i had more experience in this area i think i would realise more that other things apart from looks would make me more attractive. For example if a woman seemed interested in me even though i thought she was way out of my 'league' that would kinda work against the notion that looks are the main thing and that people won't really be interested in someone unless they were on their same level of attractiveness.
I know before anyone says that things like 'leagues' dont really matter that much and people dont take much notice however when you dont have much experience with the opposite sex as i said before it's easy to get hooked onto the whole looks thing as the key aspect in someone finding another person attractive. We need a excuse as to why we are crap at this and our looks is a obvious candidate most times.
I also think that having something like BDD has made me more not shallow but too much aware of other people's looks. If anyone who has BDD will know we will notice minute aspects of our appearance and concentrate on them rather than look at ourseleves as a whole. So i would end up noticing aspects of a women's appearance maybe cos thats what i do with myself so i end up overanalysing her rather than just look at her naturally like everyone else would.
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Right, see where you're coming from a bit more now. When you say 'We need an excuse why we are crap at this' is really interesting to me. I'm having real trouble getting another relationship and I do something similar except it's my personality I look at - I constantly focus on what I feel is my weak personality and blame this for my lack of success. What we need to do is get away from those thoughts somehow. The longer we go without a relationship the more we think our trait must be worse and worse. But it's only what we THINK it's not actually true. It's a vicious cycle. We're having a problem with it because our confidence is dented by lack of success and therefore reinforces of our negative thinking.
So the solution is..... mmmmm errrrr
I think it's a question of constantly telling ourselves some of our thinking is wrong and trying to build more confidence with little successes.