In the past it's been suggested to me that I may have BDD because all my life I've loathed my appearance - my chubby face, my badly proportioned body, everything. Not a single feature is okay.
I've never agreed that I have BDD because anyone I've known of who has this (including many on this forum) have always been extremely attractive but, despite assurances to the contrary, frustratingly continue to believe that they are ugly.
But If you are ugly in reality and make it known that you realise this fact then it's not BDD is it?? In my case, I'm simply stating a true fact.
The other day I regretfully watched 'Naked Beach' on TV.
'Experts' were attempting to help a selection of people suffering with poor body image into liking their bodies by accepting that in reality we all come in various shapes and sizes and not everyone has the perfectly toned bodies that bombard us on so many of todays trashy reality TV shows. One 'expert' said something like, if we look at our naked selves in the mirror regularly, in time, we will learn to feel more comfortable with the way that we look. Well, that has certainly never worked for me! The more I looked the more repulsed I felt to the extent I'd avoid mirrors.
Another thing. The participants on the show were surrounded by naked men and women (all so enviably happy in their own skins) of various shapes and sizes - some very skinny some very overweight - but I don't think any of them were over the age of 40!!
Perhaps I'm a rarity and it's assumed that middle aged people don't suffer with poor body image because they have ceased caring about their appearance. They have learnt to accept their ever expanding girth and saggy bits. Or maybe anyone over 40 (especially women) are deemed non entities in our youth obsessed Society. Or...maybe...it would be too vomit inducing for viewers
Instead of finding 'Naked Beach' helpful the programme caused me to feel even more depressed about my appearance. All of the participants, skinny or overweight, looked a million times better than I've ever looked in my entire life (or maybe it was the aura of positivity surrounding them that made them appear more attractive outwardly - if this is the case then I'm forever doomed!)
I'm now the fattest I've ever been but am squeezing into a size 12 so am apparently still no larger than the average female in the UK who is a size 14 - but whatever size I've ever been I've always looked ruddy awful. Whether you lose weight or gain weight I've discovered that you can't change a badly proportioned body/face. This all sounds so pathetically vain and self obsessed, especially when coming from an older person, but it nevertheless causes me considerable anxiety.
Year after year I dread the Summer months when it becomes too warm for me to hide beneath my big coat or a cardigan. I would love to have swimming lessons but I can't bare the thought of wearing a revealing swimsuit. When I used to take my son to the pool I had to wrap myself in a huge towel until I was right at the waters edge.
My husband says that a persons outward appearance isn't important, it's what's inside that matters, and wishes that I didn't hate myself but he is kinder than anyone I've ever known. In contrast, my ex used to tease me for having chubby 'hamster cheeks'.
One of the main reasons I haven't attempted to meet my birth mother is not because she's by all accounts an utterly horrible person but because I'm afraid she will take one look at me and be disappointed. Now how pathetic is that
Most embarrassing of all (and something I may delete so please don't quote) is that despite all the reassurances in the world, I can't get dressed or undressed in front of my other half. I know it's sad and irrational but I have this fear that if my husband sees the 'whole' me he might be so repulsed that I'll lose his love. Of course, if my husband suddenly became horribly deformed I would still adore him but my own fear of rejection is so great
I honestly don't know if this is all part of some mental health condition like BDD or if I should just stop being so self obsessed and be extremely thankful that I have two working arms and legs and am still fully mobile
