I think I have a fair bit of insight into my own mental state. I can delude myself in equal measure though. I can be quite persuasive in my unhelpful thinking.

Yeah I think I know why. I'm hypersensitive and I had a difficult upbringing. Together those things led to me developing low self-esteem which began manifesting itself as anxiety when I hit puberty. After I began having panic attacks, I became avoidant which led to agoraphobia and isolation. Isolation led to depression.

It's weird. For me, certain things tend to trigger panic or anxiety. Sensory arousal, sudden movement and noise can really unnerve me. Unexpected conversation. To be able to converse, I often need forewarning. I also have a lot of obsessive thoughts. If I'm already anxious and one of these thoughts arise, I become fixated on it to the extent that I start to believe that I will only feel better if I act on the obsession. I'm often fighting the urge to act on my thoughts.

But why I panic on some days and I'm alright on others I don't know. Even when the same triggers are there, some days I seem to be able to cope better. I think sometimes something simple like not being tired can make all the difference.

On a 'bad' day I often don't even bother trying to step foot outside.

I'm too avoidant. I have a lot of love and support in my life these days and I feel cushioned from the blows sometimes. I need to venture out on my own more and face my fears.

Push myself more (but in a kind way) whilst still accepting my own limitations.

Low self-esteem. Fear of failure.