[ahdn]

I am 26 years old now. I used to be popular: an active social life, a girlfriend, lots of friends. That was when I was 18.

When I went to university, things changed. I became isolated, surrounded by what were, in hindsight, some very toxic people, which simply exacerbated the isolation. I spent many years like this, losing contact with friends who were out making new ones.

In my early 20's, I went on a drive to try and make new friends. I met some girls, joined a club or two... but nothing really stuck. I began to realise how fickle people were: when I was 'cool' everyone wanted to know me, when I was socially withdrawn and awkward people treated me as beneath them. This caused me a great deal of anxiety: will I be alone forever? Am I wasting the best years of my life? Maybe this time next year things will be different?

As the years rolled by and my attempts failed - as I realised that most people make their friends for life at school and university - I went through some really dark times. Things became so clear to me - the bullying, the usery and abuse I had experienced yet denied my whole life were suddenly so obvious, whereas previously I had denied them to protect my own sense of self.

After that, I gave up on the idea of ever being 'normal', of ever being a social success like I once was. And frankly it has been liberating. I don't give a f*** what anyone thinks now. An early exit is always open to me, but I want to stick around and see what happens. I wish I had been like this sooner, it would have avoided so much suffering for me. I feel a sense of nirvana, of total freedom. If friends come, they come, but likely they won't and it makes no difference. I've already failed, so what else can go wrong? What have I got to lose?

Can anyone relate to what I am saying? Have I completely lost it?