[Hayman]

Originally Posted by Ajax Amsterdam

I can't speak for anyone else's experience, but I grew up with virtually no external validation at all. I sort of learned to try to chase it from others in order to feel ok being me. Thing is, that leaves us at the mercy and the whim of others. Our feeling of wellbeing and worth comes from them rather than us. In short, we give everyone else an incredible amount of power over us. Their judgements can break us with ease. We never really build a decent sense of who we are because we are always trying to please others in order to gain the approval that brings us a short-lived sense of esteem. Any S/E we build in such a way is something of an illusion. It's extremely fragile and prone to implosion the very next time someone disapproves of us in some way or other. In short, we are totally dependent on others for how we feel about ourselves. This is never a healthy way to live our lives.

Even with the beer you're not talking rubbish at all! I understood all of that!

I just wanted to quote the above paragraph in particular as I can fully relate to pretty much all of that. Other than the odd comment from my mother, there’s never been no external validation for me. My honest efforts are always ignored, I'm joked about or made to feel three inches tall in some way. Hence where my SA developed from. So, therefore I study what other people like just to try and get up that 'social ladder' a rung or two. I'll try to mimic actions/comments based upon my observations over what others like and….still nothing. Yet, someone else could say the same thing (this really has happened in the past) and you can see they’re eyes light up and external validation granted. True – I have been chasing it because I feel that's the only way I feel I can improve purely because I see external validation given to others without making anywhere near the same efforts I've made. Over the years, this is one of the bigger reasons behind my three separate spells of diagnosed depression in my 20's alone. This would explain those implosions you mentioned and indeed, it's not a good way to live. It's very addictive though…

Doctors e.t.c really do need to stop this negative thinking of patients who aren’t responding well to their treatment. It doesn’t make the sufferer a nasty or bad person as a lot of them (from my own experience) immediately insinuate. This doesn't help the sufferer at all and only goes further confirming why they lack confidence and self-motivation. It further proves to them that they're being completely misunderstood. This is one of the biggest reasons why I no longer seek professional help. It really put me off. The last thing I wanted, whilst feeling low was to be told by doctors/therapists was that everything was my fault. They wouldn’t even let me finish my points or explanations as to why I feel the way I do. I'm not a bad person, but treated much like a naughty little school child in detention. I go to seek help but the very things I'm asked to do are the very reasons I’ve gone to seek help on in the first place! If I could jump as high as they were asking me in the first place – I wouldn’t be there!

I've set my own targets and pushed myself in a way I think I can – rather than being pushed way beyond those boundaries by those who have never been in my shoes.

Lastly, I don't want to sound as if I'm pushing all of my problems on others. I understand if it sounds like that. I fully accept my limitations because of my SA and spells of depression. I fully accept I have to work on them to the best of my ability. I have never denied that. My point is that not everything is the fault of the sufferer. There are usually reasons as to why they're that way in the first place… All too often we see the smoke being blamed for the fire… We need just a little bit of legwork from the 'other side' to aid us every so often – and it's this which, in my humble opinion, prevents me from improving further.

Indeed, I've done things for myself which proves that. Since the back end of 2015, I have literally forced myself to go out and socialise more. I met up with a former friend who I hadn’t seen face to face for ten years (and we parted on bad terms – to make that effort even more prominent). I only once said "no" to an invite out with work colleagues throughout 2016 (the "no" was only because I'd already had plans elsewhere). I lost two stone in weight. I spent over £1000 to replace much of my existing wardrobe to freshen my appearance. I spent three days in London with my brother last August (and I'm generally not good in crowds) which I really did enjoy in the end. I've been into more social spaces such as pubs over the course of the last 18 months or so than I did throughout most of my twenties. Granted, most experiences confirmed why I have SA but there was some scraps of positives to take from this and that’s what I intend on focusing on this year. This coming Saturday evening, I'm planning on going to a social club. I feel sick about it, but I'm determined to do it. I know how to push myself and how far I can get myself out of the comfort zone. I feel in control and not feeling I'll bear the brunt of doctor’s negativity if I fail! I’m giving myself little challenges and going by my own rules. Whilst I accept progress is minimal and slow – it's certainly more success than what I was having previously (where I felt like I was actually going backwards). I'm going from point A to B. Then from B to C… With professional help, they wanted me to get to point C – assuming I'd already been able to leave A. Nope… Then from point C, they didn't want be to go to D. They wanted me to leap to Z. If I didn't achieve that, I was literally warned they wouldn’t help me any more and that it was all my fault if I failed. Again – no thanks. I walked away. Being blamed for everything without balanced thinking or looking at the wider picture (as I was trying to explain) is what heightens my SA and depression in the first place. I was there to try and build confidence in myself – not face punishing tests that would send my zero confidence and self-esteem into minus figures.

I have made a lot of legwork myself. I wasn’t told to do any of this! But still…I'm in the same boat now as I was two years ago…as I was ten years ago…as I was fifteen years ago… Nothing ever changes for me and after just over a year of solid effort (and it’s not the first time I've had a push like this), I find myself once again on the brink of depression. I've not had any validation back for my efforts and in terms of romance, I remain dateless throughout my lifetime (I'm 32 in April). To say I feel demoralised and degraded is probably the understatement of the year. The only ‘acknowledgement’ I’ve had back from people not inside my own family is that I need to do even more…even though I done quite literally five times more last year than I did for the previous five years put together. I can only come to the conclusion that whatever I do, no matter how far I go, it'll never be good enough. I'm not given the same windows of opportunity and chances of others. I’m too far gone in terms of being stigmatised…and this is what I mean by not everything being the fault of the sufferer. Sometimes, actions like this do genuinely contribute to the very issues we have. A classic downward spiral!

Again, I find myself seeking validation from others and whilst I should be proud of myself for doing what I done last year (which I am, to a degree – I surprised myself on a few occasions), I consider it to be a completely hollow victory without any reward to show for it. Especially when I know of one particular individual who has only done a tiny fraction of that, but progressed (in terms of romance/friends) ten times further over exactly the same time frame.

I take on board what you say about trying to build self-motivation alone. The truth is whilst I'm certainly not happy with never being a chance with regards to romance, I'm fairly content with myself in most other areas. I'm stable, I'm reliable, I'm happier with my body e.t.c… I feel I have made improvements that I'm proud of and I do intend on using this year to pin-point my efforts on the good points from last year. It's just that at the end of it all – I know nothing will progress for me…and that's why I am the way I am in the first place!

You make a good point over the relationship business…not wanting a loan and banks jumping over themselves to offer them to you. Very true. Whenever I’ve made concerted effort and been open about looking for someone – nothing happens. However when I sit back and act more ‘cool’ – I'm told I'm not doing enough! I can't win!

Thanks for replying!