[Tubbs]

I was wondering if anyone could relate to this: when you suffer a disappointment or setback or whatever, does your mind immediately go to suicide? Like something doesn't go to plan and you're instantly planning the trip to Dignitas (not literally, but I've thought in detail about suicide methods many, many times).

It's my default position. I'd made all these grand plans for this year, e.g. I was going to move house, lose a f*ck-ton of weight, start driving lessons, etc; but as soon as something bad happens I'll think 'f*ck it all', and want to press the self-destruct button. I self harmed today for the first time in I don't know how long. I find it really difficult to even talk about any of this. Truthfully, I'm as messed up as I ever was, but as I've got older I've got better at masking and telling people what they want to hear.

When good things happen to me they feel fleeting, and I immediately worry that they're going to be taken away from me. Honestly, the ideal situation would be for me to not wake up tomorrow, or to drop dead from a massive heart attack or similar. (Maybe the latter scenario is not as unlikely as I'd once thought. I had my blood pressure measured today and it was something like 140/80, which I've been told is not very good..) At my core I just feel it would have been better for everyone if I'd never existed.

The one friend I have locally stopped replying to my messages - not that I blame her, she's unwell and has her own shit to deal with - but I feel really lonely. I'm a horrible partner/daughter/sister/friend.

I just don't know what to do any more.