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Originally Posted by Ajax Amsterdam
I really hope you never act upon that urge, Telex.
It's hard to find the right words really, because when a person feels low, I know words don't really mean much. All that matters is how you feel. I can relate to your post because I felt very similar for many years. I never thought I had anything worthwhile to offer and I thought the world and those who knew me would not miss me and would be better off without me. I'm not suggesting all that changed overnight because it didn't, but it did change in time. Suppose all I'm saying is that even when everything feels pointless now, it may not always be that way.
Before worrying too much about the size of our contribution to society I think we have to first find some purpose and direction ourselves. At least when we move in those valued directions our lives feel more fulfilling and getting out of bed in the morning has some purpose that we care about. I'm sure you have plenty of potential for personal growth and I'm sure you have plenty to offer others too.
I used to feel like some kind of alien dropped off here by mistake and without the tools to survive. Suffocating in an atmosphere I could barely tolerate. I can't say the transition from where I was then to where I am now was an easy one, but it has happened and all the pain was worth it in the end.
As I said earlier, these are just words and I know words don't mean much really, but I just wanted to put them out there anyway.
Take care of yourself. I wish you all the very best.
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Thank you Ajax, your post really means a lot. You are really great with words!
I had quite a bit of alcohol when writing that post (I very rarely drink alcohol now though, because of its effects on depression) . I do know that I never want to end my life. But there are still many occasions where I feel completely worthless and struggle to see any point to anything. I imagine dark thoughts of how to end things - this is happening less these days thanks to CBT, but it still happens too much.
I think I am making the right steps to improve things. As well as the CBT and mindfulness, I am quitting my incredibly stressful office jobs and will become a voluntary teaching assistant in a primary school in September, to possibly become a teacher in time. It's going to be a major change but I feel my current job is really bringing me down.
I'm really glad you have a better life now Ajax
