[Sunrise]

BDD has started to rear its ugly head for me again. The problem is that I'm in denial a lot of the time and pretend to myself I look better than I actually do so I can try and function normally, but at the end of the day I am just in denial.

Developing feelings for someone recently seems to have started this off again. It's reminded me that someone who looks like me isn't capable of being loved.

I looked in the mirror earlier and I felt physically sick. I get so much shit from people about the way I look and I try and laugh it off, but it does hurt and it does make me feel like a lesser person.

I'm getting very upset tonight about this. And reading advice isn't helping. The idea of 'body positivity' is a joke, and I don't need condescending advice about how it's what inside that counts. And I'm not comparing myself to perfect celebrities, I just want to look normal. I look bizarre. So many people do a double take when they see me because I'm so unusual looking. Every day there's some sort of jokey comment about the way I look.

I didn't leave the house today and I'm thinking of quitting my job now so I don't have to deal with this anymore. That would cause a whole load of other problems as I have bills to pay and need a roof over my head, but I can't live as this freak anymore. Sorry if that's offensive but that's how people see me.