[Sunrise]

My appointment is next Thursday.

There are times when I don't want to leave the house at the moment. I hate going to work now as I've become a laughing stock due to my erratic behaviour. I've become everything I feared. I live in quite a small community where everyone seems to know each other and I've got a reputation now as the local oddball. I'm so ashamed and disgusted with myself and I don't know how to escape this. If I magically became normal overnight I'll still be the local loony. I wish I was a shy person who just needed a confidence boost and to meet more people, but these aren't irrational, avoident fears. This is who I actually am. This is how people see me. I'm someone who wants to be loved but I'm repulsive. I feared becoming a monster so much it's what I became. I don't know who I am or what I want anymore but I want to completely erase who I am now and become something else. The thought of self-acceptance disgusts me and I refuse to accept who I am right now. I don't know who I want to be but I do know this isn't it.