The various things said were several weeks or months apart. in truth there were 5 incidences over a course of just under a year. My other friend who was around on some of those occasions thought it was over-sensitivity on her part or not even jokes at all. On 2 occasions they definitely weren't, and my other friend was there the last time and he's as confused as I am. The 2nd time was nearly a year ago and I apologised because I was worried about losing her, but there was no joke at all. As that has since been used as part of this "ongoing issue", this is why i can't apologise for the very last time. What I did learn from her last meeting was that when I brought up the 2nd time, she tried to shut me down by asking if it was relevant then claimed she had no memory of it, which was odd.
I get where you are coming from about changing my behaviour so i don't upset her, but the problem is being accused of something the last time when i did no such thing and that i wasn't believed, essentially making me a liar. She wants me to respect her boundaries and from that point on I was careful not to say anything. Sadly, based on the last time she doesn't agree, so I can't win.
Something I didn't mention was my mum passed away 2 months ago so I've not been in the best place myself. She did say she delayed talking to me about the last time until after the funeral. However, the day before our chat, I had just seen a solicitor and learned i could lose the house mum had left me in her Will, despite me being her part time carer for the last few years and living with her for 20 years. As I've had the stress of being the soul executor of the estate, arranging the funeral and potentially selling the house if my sister carries out her threat of challenging the Will (she's been left a reasonable sum of money), my ex friend needing to have a word with me 2 hours after i told her all this tipped me over the edge. Sadly that got lost on her.
Anyway, I won't reach out to my ex friend. I have done as much as I can and I think we're done. I don't have many good friends and I really miss her.
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Originally Posted by Blackflies
Apologising for something you haven’t done is always a slippery slope. I think it can reinforce into someone’s mind that they were right. That said, what is important is how you made that person feel (intentionally or otherwise) and you can’t prove a feeling so there is nothing to debate. If you hurt her, you hurt her. Perhaps she is over sensitive or perhaps you too careless with your humour.
I have a history of epilepsy and it is fair for her to want to avoid stress or unnecessary drama in light of that. She may well have an “I’m right and you’re wrong” attitude as a defence to simply shut down debate that may lead to conflicting and heightened emotions. Regardless even if she was open to admitting she was wrong that you did something specific, it doesn’t really matter because it won’t change that history of her feeling hurt. Debating it will only raise the question of whether she overreacted or whether you were insensitive. The best solution really is to change the behaviour she perceives as wrong or quit trying to repair the friendship. Getting to the route of it won’t make her less sensitive in the future. She doesn’t like your humour. It’s a personality conflict. You either adapt and modify your personality to sustain drama free relations or you recognise that compromising who you are doesn’t align with your own moral compass. I imagine the latter to be true for you given you apologising for something you feel you didn’t do doesn’t sit well with you.
I don’t believe the OCD plays a part in this conversation in terms of her sensitivity but if debate and conversations about past history causes her to feel anxious it’s inevitable this will make her OCD worse and if she over exhausts herself with her obsessional thoughts and/or patterns because she’s triggered, that inevitably may lead to a seizure.
Without knowing the context of the jokes and wordings she took a dislike to, it’s not for us to say who is wrong or right but if you care about her, it’s better for the both of you to take a step back from this friendship. I don’t agree with putting guilt on someone for a seizure happening but it’s also important to respect peoples boundaries and if she’s indicating she wants space or to shut the conversation down, for whatever reason, justified or not, it’s best to walk away without the answers you seek. That is what true friendship is, knowing when to stop even when it means we have lost. Respecting her boundaries and giving her silence is probably the best way to save the friendship later. It shows you are capable of listening and adapting. When she’s ready, if she feels the friendship is salvageable she’ll reach out.
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