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Originally Posted by Progress
Can you say anything about how you make them work. Because a big thing that always knocks my confidence is when a girl finds out how little socialising I do then I assume she's going to be put off.
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It's difficult to define really, but I'll have a go. First off is that I am highly attracted to women. I just love them. I also love sharing my life with a woman. So these things mean that no matter how bad my SA I'll still have a go. Even if I feel hopelessly inadequate I'll still put myself through all the anxiety and fear in order to have and hopefully keep a relationship.
I remember in the past thinking that if I listed all my faults and failings I'd never in a million years be able to believe a single woman on earth could want me. I also remember thinking that if I listed all the things I require in a relationship simply no one could live up to it all. And who was I to even ask for that when I felt I had so little to offer them myself?
To be honest, I refuse to dwell on those things. I just have a go and see what happens. At some point in time I also realised that woman are not perfect either, so I took them off the pedestal I'd placed them on. I also realised that no matter who you are or what you are, there will always be people who find you attractive. The really difficult part is finding them. They exist, and always will, but it's a case of being in a position to meet them. I met them through friends, through being in drink when out so better able to socialise and be seen, and in mundane places like college, where I met my current partner of 8 years now.
I think it's too easy to let our assumptions put us off. OK, we will not be everyone's cup of tea, but we will appeal to some out there. I don't concern myself with the one's who are not interested in me. I mean why fret over that? The people that do matter are the one's who
do want to be with us and
do value us.
One thing to bear in mind is that comparitively few relationships 'work' forever. All my previous relationships have 'failed' at some point. Sometimes my fault, sometimes their fault, sometimes because they simply ran their course. But I don't even see all that as genuine failure. I just see it as having a series of vastly varied life experiences that eventually ran their course. Of course, endings and even some relationships themselves can be very painful, but that's all part of the process. If we avoid the experience simply because it might include pain, we will never do anything worthwhile in life. Relationships can include the most beautiful highs, but also the most gut-wrenching lows. I accept all that though, so I can plough on regardless.
Matbe I just think, well the odds are against me, I'm deeply flawed, it could all go wrong ... but hang on, I don't care about the odds, others are just as flawed as I am, and hey, it could just go right as many/more times as it goes wrong ... so jump in anyway. Whatever happens, I'm going to enjoy the rollercoaster for what it is.
In much more recent years I've also built a healthy self-esteem. So these days although I know I lack in so many ways, I also know that as a human being I have something to offer. So on that basis I feel well worthy of having a partner and being loved. It wasn't always that way of course, for probably three quarters of my like I loathed myself. Maybe back then, despite everything, I just ploughed on regardless and found success with relationships because of that. Sometimes others can see the good in us even if we cannot ourselves.
Sorry if all that is gibberish to you, but I think it's just the way it's been for me. It's hard to define and sum up really.