why is this like torture for me?

willow · #1 11th October 2005, 15:36

I wrote the thread last week "This is killing me". If you read it you will see that I started a college course 4 weeks ago and have been trying to settle in. I am feeling pretty low at the moment as I don't fit in anywhere at this college really. I feel like the people sitting next to me have sent me to coventry and I hate it. I can't seem to find there jokes as funny as they do. I can't keep up with their chitter chatter. I feel totally inadequate. I am very reserved but I have tried to get on with these people and I did have a few of you write responses to my former thread and it helped me tremendously. I went in yesterday and felt a whole lot better and more positive knowing how I was going to deal with my negative thoughts. However today I have felt just as bad and now I am on the verge of giving up the course - in fact I have 90% made up my mind I will even though I have the academic ability to pass it. I'm not sure i'm really enjoying some of the course content though. I feel I am going be a no hoper in life. Why do I let everyone get to me? As part of this course I have to do work experiece and what made it worse today was when the course tutor said to me today that the place where I have to go have said to her that they are not taking anyone else as the last one they had was no good. I felt immediately that I was going to be judged negatively and it has got to me and I have to be honest I am really terrified of going. I know people say you have to face your fears to get better. However, in my case I feel worse as time goes on. The first few weeks weren't too bad. I have got to a stage where I feel I can't hack it any more. It feels like torture now. I just don't fit in anywhere in life. I saw a therapist earlier this year and we did a bit of work on how I feel in these situations. I don't seem to have moved on much and however much I try and put it aside I just can't. I pick up on every vibe etc...I need to get out of the house and do something. Has anyone got any ideas for me? I don't want people to say I am doing the wrong thing as this will only make me feel worse. Why am I feeling this way? Could anyone shed some light on this for me? Nobody seems to understand why I am feeling the way I do at home. My partner tells me to just get on with it and not let them get to me. I wish I could. But believe me when I say it is like going to prison every day. I don't know how else to put it. Any advice would be welcome. I know I am not right up top - that is clear......

#2 11th October 2005, 15:57

I can sympathise with what you're saying. I felt exactly the same when I started my PhD. I had to take a leave of absence for 6 months, during which I was put on antidepresssants (Amitriptyline) and they've improved my life no end. It could be that you've got depression and it's making your anxiety worse. If you could sort out the depression, then it could be that your feelings of anxiety will diminish and you'll feel more comfortable on the course.
I'd suggest possibly going to your doctor and seeing about some antidepressants. I can't recommend amitriptyline enough, so hopefully you'll be put on it too.

willow · #3 11th October 2005, 17:01

Hi Oddworthy Thanks for that. I am already actually on anti-depressants. I take Fluoxetine Hydrochloride 40mg per day and have been on these for about 2 years continually, although I have been on and off the dreaded things for years. They do work for me but they unfortunately don't help in how I feel when I am around other people. Personally speaking I don't think it is the depression although I may be wrong. I would be a lot worse if I wasn't on the medication - that I do know. I don't know what the answer is.

Lainey · #4 11th October 2005, 18:27

Hi Willow, I'm trying to think of something that might help. My inclination is to say try and stick the course out (what is it by the way ?) However, if it's really making you feel dreadful then perhaps it's not for you. Can you talk to a tutor at college ? If you do decide not to continue, then don't beat yourself up about it. Perhaps you could find a course that feels less intimidating. With regard to feeling as if you don't fit in, my experience is that the more you think people don't accept you for what ever reason, the more you are likely to behave in a way that keeps people at a distance, it is sort of a vicious circle. I've been there many times, believe me ! I think if you cared less about how you come across to people, then things would be easier, although it's far easier said than done, I know. Have you considered CBT ? Hope some of this helps. Are you a member of the Birmingham Support Group by the way. There seems to be quite a few members who meet up.

Lainey x

willow · #5 11th October 2005, 19:33

Hi Lainey

Thanks for your thoughts and advice. You really seem to know where I am coming from!
The course is AMSPAR which stands for Advanced Medical Secretarial and Receptionist. I think perhaps I am not cut out for it really it just appealed to me as I thought of myself working in an office on my own - silly really! I can't really pluck the courage up to talk to the course tutor as I will feel really stupid talking to her about something she more than likely won't understand.
You are spot on when you say that the more I think people don't accept me the more likely I am to behave in such a way that will keep them at a distance. This is true as since I have been feeling this way I have become more withdrawn and unapproachable. To be honest if I was them I would probably be the same towards me if I did'nt understand my difficulties. I have seen a Psychologist but only sort of touched on CBT. I don't know what will really help me. I haven't attended any of the Birmingham Support Group meetings as of yet. Suppose I should really ; it's just plucking up the courage. Any other advise from anyone would be welcome.
Thanks Lainey and all the best. x

hardy · #6 12th October 2005, 10:32

Your brain is trying to trick you into reducing the pain by telling you to opt out . But as an intelligent capable person this is actually wrong because you will suffer far more pain and regret and reduced job oportunities than if you were to stick it out .
Sorry to spell it out so bluntly .
Its obvious from the way you write that you are fundamentally a capable person.

willow · #7 12th October 2005, 15:25

Thanks Hardy for that. You are right in what you say. My brain is trying to get me to give this course up by making me feel so bad. I have great confindence in my abilities academically but I am always let down by the way I am. I feel pain when there is no need to feel it. I suppose I am hypersensitive. The more I read about Avoidant Personality Disorder the more I feel it describes it down to a tee. Only thing is the prognosis for this problem is poor so that doesn't make me feel any better. I've felt totally shattered today and I feel that this is due to the things that have been going on inside my head recently. I hear what you are saying about the fact that I will feel more pain and regret if I don't continue with the course. However, I was already in a lot of pain emotionally and that pain was getting worse all the time so it would have been impossible to continue in the end. I have decided I am not ready for this course at the moment (if at all) and I need further help. I have sent my doctor a letter today explaining everything as I would go to pieces if I had to say it all. Don't want to break down in tears in front of him again!.. I am more than capable to do the course and feel I am probably one of the brightest in the group.. If only I felt the same way about social relationships!! I am not going to beat myself up about it and my partner seems to be understanding towards me about it. He knows how I am feeling. I have to find something that I am going to feel comfortable with but at the moment that doesn't seem possible.
Any comments please. Thanks. x

Lainey · #8 12th October 2005, 15:50

Hi Willow

Can you maybe start off with a course that is maybe one or two sessions a week. I'm not sure if the course you've been on is full time or not. If it is, then maybe that is just too much for you right now. How about looking at some confidence building or self esteem courses where you are likely to come across other people who can relate to what you are feeling. A lot of colleges run these types of courses and it can be a very supportive environment. We are lucky here in Worcester as there is a brilliant Women's Support Centre which offers all these classes. Perhaps there is a similar facility in Birmingham ?

scarlet_diva · #9 12th October 2005, 16:03

Hey Willow, I’m glad you’re not being too hard on yourself about your decision.

Sometimes it takes more courage to walk away from things and decide ‘this is too much for me’ than to just go with the flow and wait for things to get worse. I have that tendency, especially with work. I know it gets too much for me sometimes but, because I don’t cut myself any slack (e.g. taking days off etc) because that causes me no end of guilt, the pressure on me just builds up until I just explode – and then I can be ‘out of action’ for at least 2/3 days or so. Sometimes it will screw up my entire weekend, which is crap as I should be using that as my time to relax.

At the end of the day, you stuck it out and things weren’t getting better so give yourself lots of credit for that. As Hardy said, if it was so bad it feel like torture, then that was your body and mind telling you that it was too much for you – so I think you did the right thing. We can only push ourselves so much, after which it becomes counterproductive. You can always take the course again in the future.

willow · #10 13th October 2005, 09:40

Thanks for those replies Lainey and Scarlet...

The course I was doing was for 20 hours a week and was classed as full time. I think I may have been able to cope better if it was less hours. I am going to try and look about for another course that I may like with fewer hours as I don't want to be stuck in this trap forever but I know I need to take one step at a time. There were some things I enjoyed about the last course and some things I didn't so now I have more of an idea what it is that I am looking for I think.

Lainey.... I did an Anxiety Management course earlier this year. It was held for 10 weeks at 2 and a half hours per session. I got severe migraines the first few times I went. It was a good course in some ways as they taught you ways of relaxing etc but I found it very general and was not based around social anxiety solely and so I'm not sure it helped with the major difficulties I have. I did see a Psychologist earlier this year but felt I was not really getting much out of that. I know it is down to my own efforts but I don't know how I am going to control how I am feeling in these difficult situations as it overwhelms me so much. I wil look into whether there are any women support groups in Birmingham and let you know what I find. You are very lucky to have that near to where you live. Thanks again for your support and advice. I appreciate it! x

Scarlet.... thanks for your message. I can sympathise with how you feel at work. In some ways I feel I have taken the easy way out but in other ways I feel it was something I had to do. I'm sure there's got to be something out there that would be suitable for me. I'll keep looking. Like you say it was pure torture for me and I've got to work on this and try and make things better for me but it's hard explaining this to people - even professionals as it is hard for them to understand where you are coming from. I appreciate your support ... thanks!!