Post your random crap here (17)

[Kevin Hodge]

A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL®
database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog you usless ar$$hole.

[Azi]

BBC, y u no understand night??

[Rocket Spud]

[hellotiger]

[pinkwafer]

This is nice. No manager. No smelly man twirling on his chair on all damn day.

I like this.

[hellotiger]

[hellotiger]

^That's hilarious. I've just had a look at people with my name but ended up comparing myself and getting sads.


The excitement from these posters is almost unbearable.

[hellotiger]

[Pablo Huntsbach]

Originally Posted by hellotiger

That's easily at the top of the list of my favourite things I've seen today so thanks.

[Mental Elf]

Sometimes....

The worlds a scary place if you can bare the pace, stay with treating from the demons they don't bare to face. Impure and insecure, in a contrary state where confidence is self worth, share with them and embrace. I used to stare at space sit on the stairs and blaze boozed up screwed mug a smile was barley raised, had some hairy days, running with tearaways, placed in a lair of snakes trying to make a fair escape. Sometimes, felt no sense of love on purpose, incense like the world has done me at the surface so every time someone try and out do this wordsmith, the rages hasn't bubbled to the surface, heading strong and worthless trading among the villains numb young and nervous, whether the struggle, move my mug above the surface spur the home drum and trouble I'm learning, yeah still..... Like roasting your glasses rolling cold and heartless got so many questions bro, I don't know the answers, so I'm in the studio with no advances, flowing for the love baring my soul though it's tarnished. Feeling all alone and brokenhearted, just want to roll in to a hole and let them close the casket, no, switch in to solider mode blow regardless, with focus no my mode and build a path no advances. Sometimes, I'm feeling overwhelmed its sense of shame, so much descent of blame I use it to better pain, stagger through the tepid rain my letters stress and it strain, dampen my pad if its lack I'll be dead of fame, I heal in time deep inside, never let my the pressure get in my head again I have no positive energy but then again...Sometimes I used to seek out solid's trying to unwind, coked up world but my souls a light like sunshine, a fan of future and regret, that's a mugs life, want a chunk of ice I'm munching when it's lunch time. My face's glum it never hung it's up right, cause sometimes my young mind crumbled in the crunch time, I've learnt from my mistakes done lines, done crime done trying to find love with 9 lives, I've done fine. Sometimes I feel a sense of extirpation the lack of self confidence and general estimation, of my character, powerless to end a defamation could my parents separation be the explanation? With the frustration the sentimental reservative pains and press of many years on my chest, evasive, so penny words is like a revelation writing words on to a page I can feel the pressure fading.. There..

[this_is_the_one]

try some paragraphs man! Otherwise that seems well written

[Appear]

The downsides of living at home... Too funny, too relatable.

[black_mamba]

Originally Posted by DisappearHere

The downsides of living at home... Too funny, too relatable.

Oh dear, that brings back memories.

^memories of some one waffling absolute shite at you for no apparent reason and wandering into your personal space with out knocking?

i'm so glad i live on my own.

[hellotiger]

Trying to come up with my cosplay costume for the october games expo.
Want to do

worried will look more like

[Caribou]

It's cooled down loads here. Hope it bloody well stays like that!

[ßazza]

Was 7th day in Canada (Nearly exactly a week) and while me and gf were walking within the terminal area between the subway and the bus, someone has already approached me and kissed and held my hand for a good 30 seconds. Repeatedly kissing my hand and seeming extremely happy to see me, I thought he was about to cry by how happy he was. I had to be quite forceful to get him to let me go as we were in a rush to catch the bus... But I didnt want to be too rough with him and he seemed so happy to see me. Eventually he let go and I made it clear I was happy to of met him and enjoyed that moment we had together... But I had to catch a bus.

Ah.. Its followed me from england lol. Gf still just as weirded out why people approach to talk to me randomly. I have to admit I was a little surprised myself, because I am not yet exactly 'in my zone' and being completely natural yet. I am outside my normal environment and feel a bit lost obviously. ..And yet it still happened. I hope I made his day and he is a bit happier that I was responsive and positive towards him.. Whoever he was..

I have to admit I did wonder how long it would take. I thought maybe a month, possibly two tops - Sometime when I began to feel more comfortable with my environment. But a week surprised me. I feel a bit bad I was in a rush as I would of been happy to pause and have a chat with that dude to find out more about who he was. I think I made him happy that I was responsive and positives towards him though, its all I could really do at that moment in time.

[Caribou]

^ WTF? Why would some random bloke grab your hand and start kissing it? I find that extremely weird. Most people would have kicked him in the nuts.

[Vanessa]

Originally Posted by DisappearHere

The downsides of living at home... Too funny, too relatable.

that is so true

[Caribou]

Funny to think that you could buy a brand-new VW Polo in this colour scheme:



"What colour car do you have?"

"Ummm....well....it's....erm..."

[Generation Erm]

The volume control on iplayer goes up to 11 like that amp in spinal tap.

[ßazza]

Originally Posted by Tecumseh

^ WTF? Why would some random bloke grab your hand and start kissing it? I find that extremely weird. Most people would have kicked him in the nuts.

Lol idk. The kissing is unusual but not unheard of, whats more usual is that he proceeded without me having much time to react to his initial physical contact with me. (Which isnt very smart for a male to do to another male obviously under normal circumstances.) I prefer someone grabbed my hand, said something, and then kissed me lol. Its not so unusual someone would create body contact with me, asin holding hand or touching shoulder whatever.

Wasnt ever really a need to react to situation by violence as I was aware enough of the situation that was around me. There was still a second where I saw him turn towards me as we were passing. Used to people touching me, just allowed it to play out and see how it went. As soon as he turned and especially when he touched me I made sure I was fully aware of the whole environment, I had no reason to fear him, he just needed someone to reach out to for whatever reason. I sensed no danger from his demeanor, no threat of thievery etc, just seemed very happy that someone was giving him attention. Only takes a few seconds to assess situation for it required violence or not, I would given him a hug but I was in a rush unfortunately.

I agree though, it is weird, but I dont mind anymore. I am weird anyway and if it makes people happy that someone responds to them then I dont mind.

[Reasonable Doubt]

This was my Monday, then:

[LionInAComa]

[Rick Sanchez]

I’m the Helen Keller of having sex.
No, wait... that’s a bad example.

[Flowerbomb]

Why's spitting image just popped into my head? i think it was because I mentioned maggie thatcher earlier. Did use to like that 80s show, I remember grey/blue John major as well.

[Mental Elf]

Not everybody likes this style I do it for the ones who do and the ones who choose and the ones that lose, keep going, until your just vaporized even when your done keep blowing, keep showing the world that your just one of the people, your gonna carry on until you feel equal. To every hater there's a thousand fans and the world is your oyster a thousand lands, the take over, each has a thousand mans and the reaction they have is a thousand dance they all love it ten times a thousand hands when there in front of you all screaming out louder mannnn. Your the centre of attention but will it last long? Twelve thirty and finishing at five past one make room for the pro's and you will never get noticed but the pro's aren't really pro's and they know this.

[LionInAComa]

[Rick Sanchez]