tell lies

[Laurel]

I'm never bored.

[Alex652]

I want to see more of Will.i.am. I don't think we've seen enough of him recently.

[Kevin Hodge]

only 1% of extra-terrestrial beings have their own film studios, the rest watch a mixture of bollywood and aussie soaps

[-Simon-]

This one time, I was working on a stud farm that happened to be right next to the wildlife park. This one day a mare (that's a lady horse, right) was due in for a servicing by the man horse, only he wasn't actually going to do it on account of him being so old and them both being worth shedloads, right. So I was supposed to get his baby-gravy ready in a test tube so it could be be inserted into the mare, only I couldn't be arsed cos I was having a spliff and watching Jeremy Kyle and that gave me the an idea, right cos it was one where nobody knew who the actual father was. Anyway, when the people came with the mare to be serviced I nipped around to the wildlife park and showed the kangaroos an episode of Skippy on You Tube on me smartphone (it was that one where the kid gets trapped down the well). As it happens, Skippy was looking well up for it in that episode and before you could say "Fair dinkum!", those randy bastards were shooting their marsupial muck all over the shop. Luckilly I'd brought a jam jar along and was able to hand it to Dr. Frankenstein as he was about to shove it up where Mr. Herriot lost his watch (one for the older reader). A few months later a foal was born and with one look at its muscular limbs I quickly realised its potential and kept shtum about its parentage, planning to make huge winnings when it finally came of age.
Long story short, I lost a fortune - it couldn't box for shit.

[FeadHuck]

The titles of Cheryl Coles albums are imaginative and make you want to rush out and buy them. They don't leave you with a little bit of sick in your mouth when you hear them.

[Cleo]

I'm the devil's spawn. My destiny: to cause as my disruption as possible. Hence, I used to be a sex symbol.

Theo(666)

[Kevin Hodge]

Late night vigils tonight saw in the passing of a new europe-wide law banning the broadcast of big bang theory. Politicians joined together in describing it as 'really gash', while care home owners were granted special rights to show the program to patients in the end stages of dementia. All remaining scheduled showings are to replaced by a combination of deafening white noise and footage of live whales being skinned.

[Pariah]

"I never used no hatchet that I remember. Mmm."

[Kevin Hodge]

Originally Posted by Pariah

"I never used no hatchet that I remember. Mmm."

"honest officer, if it was me i WISH i could remember it, but i can't, promise "

[Artificial Rose]

I don't want to read "50 Shades of Grey" brrrrr

[png]

"Sure Men Extreme Dry Anti-Perspirant ***8211; 48 hour protection"

[socialanxietyjohn]

Google will not sell your personal data to highest bidder.

[Pariah]

"I agree to be bound by the terms of this EULA"

[piesJoy]

Its my birthday today and I never got one card.

[Mr. Spaceman]

The Ku Klux Klan is to rename itself the "Kool" Klux Klan in an attempt to appeal to the younger generation.

[socialanxietyjohn]

George Osbourne's budget was really good.

[socialanxietyjohn]

Summer is here

[Kevin Hodge]

Originally Posted by Distance81

The History of Myths and Legends: #1 Santa Claus

The depiction of Santa Claus as a jolly man dressed in red with a white beard is a relatively recent invention, popularised by a Coca-Cola advertising campaign of the 1930's. For the first few decades of the 20th Century Santa was most often depicted in Britain as a small, nervous man who was always worrying that he'd lost his library books. It was common for Christmas cards from this era to feature the opening hours of public libraries over the festive period. [citation needed].

Interestingly the early 20th century British Santa bore little resemblance to the representations of Santa in North America during the same period, most of which centred around the “Ambiguous Cowboy” myth. Children would be told the tale of a hard-drinking gunslinger who every Christmas would come to the homes of youngsters from destitute families and take them from their life of poverty[1]. However the legend was unclear as to whether this was an act of kindness for which the children and their families were grateful, or in fact Cowboy Santa was kidnapping children from their beds, either to sell to wealthy families who hadn’t been blessed with children, or perhaps for other even more sinister reasons.

Even today many cultures throughout the world have their own versions of Santa, ranging from the South American “Santa Clara” (Santa depicted as a city in Cuba) to the backwards [POV – The Neutrality of this statement is disputed] natives of Grillistan’s idea of “Santi Gruff” (Santa as a small goat who gives presents to children who like goats).

[1] One Night in The Night – An annotated version of the classic children’s Christmas verse.

either -

1. yuo dont understand this thread
2. i dont understand your post

or

3.1 yuo are a genius
3.2 i prostrate myself before you Dx

[socialanxietyjohn]

Ian Duncan Smith knows what he is doing regarding welfare

[Winnie57]

My Grandad bequeathed to me his Olympic gold medal which he won in the 1912 Olympic games in Stockholm in the Knobbly Knees competition.

[Kevin Hodge]

Originally Posted by Distance81

I was sent home from the Olympics due my links to the Tea Party. I tried to explain to UK Athletics that my relationship with Sarah Palin was purely sexual, but they wouldn't listen.

i was sent home cos i'm linked to the mentally coleslawed people with ginger hair party. and my relationship with palin is purely homosexual

[HelloWorld]

Today, Tiger Woods announced his plans to spend his entire fortune in hosting the first golf tournament to be played exclusively on the surface of the moon. Tomorrow's newspapers will claim he's 'only in it for the spacebitches'.

In other news, Prince has revealed the direction of his next album. It is to be a collaboration with our new overlords, entitled 'March of the Robots', and all the lyrics will be in spoken binary code.

[Winnie57]

I got a letter in the post this morning saying I've been successful in gaining the post of chief court jester to HM The Queen.

[Oatmeal]

Originally Posted by seth brundle

mentally coleslawed

What's this expression?

[Kevin Hodge]

Originally Posted by Oatmeal

What's this expression?

imagine a mentality, sliced into thin strips, and mixed haphazardly with slices of other mentalities, and drowned in thin mayonaise. with added preservatives. welcome to my mental coleslaw

[Oatmeal]

Oh yeah, i can see the sense now. It sounded more like a specific slang term and I wondered why it wasn't on Urbandictionary.

[Kevin Hodge]

Originally Posted by Oatmeal

Oh yeah, i can see the sense now. It sounded more like a specific slang term and I wondered why it wasn't on Urbandictionary.

i just make stuff up i'm afraid

[Kevin Hodge]

Originally Posted by Distance81

^Lies! Mental Coleslaw was an early 90s animated kids' TV show.

Episode Guide
Episode 01-01 Friends! (Original Airdate 24/12/1990) Mental Coleslaw moves to a new town and makes some new friends!
01-02 Kites! (31/12/1990) Mental Coleslaw and Kenny Ketchup fly kites.
01-03 Quiet! (01/01/1991) Mental Coleslaw tries to relax and read a book, but Rocky Robin has other ideas!
01-04 Gun! (07/01/1991) Mental Coleslaw and Angry Banana rob a bank.
01-05 Amnesia! (14/01/1991) Mental Coleslaw can't remember how he got home last night.
01-06 Death! ( 21/01/1991) Mental Coleslaw witnesses a murder
01-07 Life? (28/01/1991) Mental Coleslaw and Kenny Ketchup argue over the death penalty.
01-08 Crack! (04/02/1991) Mental Coleslaw's junkie [expletive] of an ex-wife Thick Mayonnaise comes into town talking smack about him.
01-09 Forgiven! (11/02/1991) Mental Coleslaw and Thick Mayonnaise reconcile, at least temporarily.
01-10 Relapse! (18/02/1991) Kenny Ketchup and Angry Banana become concerned that Thick Mayonnaise may be leading Mental Coleslaw back into old habits.
01-11 Rehab! Part 1 (25/02/1991) Angry Banana visits Mental Coleslaw to try and convince him to check into rehab, but Thick Mayonnaise throws him out of abandoned asbestos factory they're now living in.
01-12 Rehab! Part 2 (25/02/1991) Kenny Ketchup and Rocky Robin kidnap Mental Coleslaw and delivery him to the rehab clinic. Angry Banana offers Thick Mayonnaise 20,000 to leave town forever. When she demands more money, Angry Banana loses his temper, with fatal consequences.
01-13 Aftermath! (04/03/1991) After 30 days in rehab, Mental Coleslaw is clean again, and is relieved that Thick Mayonnaise seems to have left town. Will Angry Banana be able to live with the lie?

you should have been here 2-3 years ago when people used to be creative like that. that's when i got a job writing scripts for mental coleslaw. among the scripts i am still awaiting payment for are -



Series 2:

1. Red Cabbage - Mental starts lessons to become the first side-dish airline pilot. At flight academy he meets the titular communist cabbage, Red. Are his socialist ideals driven by a desire for the greater good, or does he simply wish to gradually infringe on civil liberties until he has complete control? cliffhanger episode


2. Red Cabbage II - Red Cabbage's rise to power accelerates alarmingly, but is abruptly "cut short" when he is sliced into short pieces and used to bulk out posh slaw in Marx & Spencers. Notably, every line in this episode contains a pun of the word "borscht".


3. Meaning of Life - Montage episode. Mental Coleslaw (now known as menslaw for short) explores the meaning of Red Cabbage's death. Should he be mourned, when his intentions were totalitarian? Unable to find peace from discussions with Fennel Arsebishop Of Canterbury, menslaw turns to science, taking solace from the fact that in many parallel universes, Red had not been slawtered and that in some of those universes he had created a Red Utopia. Award-winning Soundtrack provided by Dido

4. Coleslaw Amnesia - Mental has been hanging around the park, distancing himself from the last episode by snorting domestos under the helter skelter. Sam Saxifrage from Red Utopia gets revenge on Menslaw for stealing his alternative-girlfriend by switching the domestos for Meth, which leaves Menslaw suffering from memory loss. History is changed dramatically when he forgets how to not alter history; the dinosaurs cease to have existed, making modern day creationism far more plausible. Spike Lee provides the montage of newspaper clippings and academic literature illustrating this fact, over a new jack swing soundtrack


5. Mental Christmas - A dangerously-gunpowdered christmas cracker blows menslaw apart, and when Dandelion and Burdock Chris and Dave put him together using chopped onion and a little grated cheddar, his memory turns normal again, albeit he can remember when creationism was still untenable. This troubling cognitive dissonance leads to the series finale, where he leaps in disgust from a tower block, landing with a wet slap.

[Winnie57]

I am having fried horse for tea tonight.

[Oatmeal]

and I shot that horse after Winnie said she was so hungry she could eat one