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  #1  
Old 24th November 2003, 00:33
Pearl2
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Default Feeling isolated and unhappy

Hi,

I am the mother of a lively toddler. I have split up with my childs father and feel very unhappy and isolated. I still love my ex but because of too many obstacles and problems it's impossible for us to be a proper family. I have bad SA and have only two good friends that I see for just a few hours each week. They don't have children. Besides that, I have only one relative who I see and who occassionally helps out. My ex who lives a long way away visits our child once a week but it's torture being like a family for just those few hours. But to not have those few hours would be worse. I constantly think of suicide but know that it would be selfish and cruel to leave my child with no mother. Some days when things are really bad I wonder if my child would be better off without me though? I do so want to always be there for my little one though and know that thought will stop me from ever doing something silly. I know, for my childs sake, that I need to get out of this isolation but it's so hard. I'm scared to go to a mother and toddler group. I worry that other people will pity my child for having a mother like me and won't want their children mixing with mine because the mother is "a weirdo". When other mothers chat about their partners, their many friends and their nice homes I would have nothing to say in return. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy many moments with my precious wonderful child but, the overall picture looks bleak and dismal for us both. I could go on, but I'll spare you that.

I just want to stop feeling this unhappy.

Thanks for letting me write here. It helps to share my feelings with other parents who suffer with SA.













  #2  
Old 24th November 2003, 19:30
Shawa
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Default Re: Feeling isolated and unhappy

Hi Pearl

Wow, you're really going through a hard time now. I have a new respect for single moms now that I'm a mom myself. I know it's scary to go to moms groups but it really has helped me to talk to other moms. I've met moms there that were single, too. Maybe something a little less stressful would be to sign up for mommy-baby swim lessons or music classes. At least you will be getting out and doing things and there isn't as much pressure to talk. Just a thought.

I understand feeling depressed and suicidal. I've been there. Please remember that things will get better. Have you gone to your doctor for help for the depression and SA? If you have been feeling this way for a while, I really suggest doing that.

Good luck, Shawa
  #3  
Old 30th December 2003, 17:30
Guest [UnRegist
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Default Guest [UnRegist

pearl,

i remember how it was when my children were lively toddlers. there didn’t seem enough hours in the day and I felt exhausted all the time. i didn’t have much support from family and friends and, like you, I felt isolated and unhappy. joining a mother and toddlers group was the turning point for me. it was difficult going to the group at first, because I felt like I was the weirdo quiet one, but the mums were friendly and I soon enjoyed being part of the group and making new friends.

you’ve split up with the child’s father but still love him. have you told him how you feel? you say your ex lives a long way away and when he visits once a week it’s torture being like a family for just those few hours. perhaps your ex feels the same way and still loves you? somebody once wrote that if you like doing something then do more of it, and if you don’t like doing something then do less of it. if you still love your ex and he loves you, then surely there’s a way of overcoming your obstacles and becoming a proper family? the future doesn’t have to look bleak and dismal. you don’t have to feel this unhappy. you have two good friends. you have the chance of joining a mothers and toddlers group. best of all, you have a precious wonderful child who brings joy and laughter into your life.

you won’t always feel this isolated and unhappy. life will get better for you.
  #4  
Old 19th January 2004, 02:36
Pearl2
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Default Re: Feeling isolated and unhappy

I just wanted to say a belated thank you to Shawa and Guest for your messages of support. Your kind words meant a great deal to me, and I apologise for not thanking you sooner.

Two months have almost passed since my first post but things haven't got any better. Infact, they are a whole lot worse. I would love to believe that things will get better and that I won't always feel this way but all I can see is more of the same: Loneliness, isolation, and the constant exhausting struggle of bringing up a child alone.

I thought about going to my GP for some anti-depressants, but I've taken various types so many times in the past and they never really made a lot of difference. Usually the side effects were so bad that I'd hide away under the bed covers for a few days until the nausea, lethargy, or whatever, wore off, but how could I do that when I need to be on my toes almost 24/7 for my lively toddler? When I had only myself to look after it didn't matter what pills I was popping into my mouth, but now I worry about the possible side effects and withdrawal symptoms. I have nobody who can take over the childcare on a daily basis if I wasn't well. Also, I just can't be bothered to walk down to the GP's Surgery, sit around in the waiting room, and plead for a bottle of pills that isn't going to put anything right in my life. All my motivation has gone. I feel exhausted all of the time and yet I lay awake half the night worrying.

I was seriously considering going to a Mother and Toddler group, psyching myself up as it were, but then I came across some other mum's experiences of these types of groups while surfing the net. Many of them talked about the cliqueness of such places, and said that they were sometimes left sitting alone in the corner with their child, while the other mum's that had become friends, gossiped away on the other side of the room. If non-sa people find these places daunting what hope is their for someone like me?!!!!

Shawa, your suggestion of joining a swimming group sounded great, especially as my little one loves splashing about in the bath. Trouble is, I piled on a load of weight while I was pregnant and I just don't think I could waddle around infront of anybody in a swimsuit. I feel disgusting inside and out. I must sound like a very selfish mother here. I know my poor child deserves so much better than to have a mother like me.

Guest, it sounds like your experiences at a Mother and Toddler group were very positive. If only I could be certain that it would be like that for me. I so want to be normal and meet other mum's and, more importantly, for my child to have some little playmates, but I find it impossible to start talking to strangers when my heart is racing, my hands and legs are trembling and my cheeks are burning scarlet!! Confronted with that sight alone, I'm sure that the other mum's would think I was weird and keep their distance. I could attempt going to a group, humiliate myself, and then never want to leave my front door again. Great if you have a child depending on you!

As for my ex, Guest, he has made it very obvious that he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about him. He's starting to move on with his life and is hoping to meet someone else to share his life with, and who can blame him! Anyway, sometimes love just isn't enough, and nothing on earth can change a bad set of circumstances. I feel more desolate and alone than I have ever felt before (and that's saying something!) and even my precious beautiful darling child isn't helping to numb the pain. Before I was a mother I could console myself with the thought of committing suicide if it all got too much. Now even that option is gone.

Maybe things will get better but I just can't see it at the moment.

I'm sorry for writing this self-pitying post. I must sound like such a terrible evil mother for feeling this way when so many people would give anything to have a beautiful child like mine.

  #5  
Old 19th January 2004, 15:25
adette
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Default Re: Feeling isolated and unhappy

Hello Pearl

I'm just reading your posts for the first time. I'm so sorry you are having a bad time.

When My 2nd child was a toddler I decided he needed company so I pushed myself and headed to the playgroup and instead of having to talk to the mothers I played around with the kids, but as I was on medication it probably made it easier for me to visit the playgroup. You really should visit your GP maybe you are suffering from postnatal depression as well as SA and when you do go to the GP write down exactly the way you are feeling all the symptoms and all thats happened and hand it to your GP and then he or she will know what you are going through and the help will begin.
When you are given anti-depressants, ease lyourself on them gradually so the side effects are minimal, thats what I did and it worked for me anyway.

As for the playgroup you don't have to go to-day or to-morrow or even longer just relax and stop putting needless pressure on yourself and things should get better as time goes on - but first of all you have to help yourself and head down to the surgery that should be your first step to recovery. I wish you all the best Pearl.

Adette
  #6  
Old 19th January 2004, 20:39
Shawa
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Default Re: Feeling isolated and unhappy

Hi Pearl

Sorry to hear that things aren't getting easier for you. I can certainly understand why you'd hesitate to get on antidepressants if you've tried them and found the side effects to be so bad. And it's true that you don't have the luxury of time to lie in bed and wait for the side effects to subside. I only tried antidepressants once and quit after about 5 weeks, so I can't advise you much about them, but Addette's suggestion of going on them slowly and letting your body get used to them sounds reasonable enough. But some people just don't find them useful or don't want to take them. So maybe CBT or some other therapy is the answer.

You're right about the Mommy-baby groups getting clique-y. There is definitely some of that. There have been times when I've gone and everyone else has been talking except me. But I was able to find a few moms I get along with and we meet at the park about once a week. And when my daughter had to have surgery in September, a lot of moms, some I had barely spoken too, all got together and took turns bringing us dinner and everything. So it can be done (Emote: smile)

If you think you can't manage swimming, there's other activities around. I am in the US, but I would imagine there are similar activities in your area. They have story times at the library, bookstores, and even a couple of toy stores here. And they have toddler music classes. There's also this place here called Gymboree. It's a bit far for me to drive so I haven't been there, but they have all kinds of activities for toddlers.

I know that the suggestions in the world, however logical and well meaning, won't help unless you are feeling able to actually do them. If you can't do these things now, it doesn't make you evil or a bad mom. It just means you need some help. And like Addette said, that's the first step. Good luck to you.
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