how do you end a relationship after 22 years ?

[hyperactive111]

ive been trying to find the words to tell my so called partner and father of my kids for the last 6 months now but because of my anxiety and past troubles with him the words wont leave my mouth .we have split before but i now no i was a fool to take him back .he has caused me so many problems its like a script for a bad film .i feel so weak at the moment and yet not one person under this roof is happy .this story is complicated to say the least but i feel so much bitterness towards him now its causing my head to explode .the thought of what could happen again with his family makes me ill to my stomache and i have so much going on here i know i couldnt cope and my kids have been through so much with all this i cant put them through it all again but i also know its got to stop here and now .please advise

[I Love My Cats]

You don't say what the issues have been within the relationship, but if there's a risk he may become violent to yourself or your children, I would contact Women's Aid and the Police to get their advice on how to go about this:

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=C...FRQLfAodvlJ96g

That website will let you find the details of your most local Women's Aid if it's needed. The first thing is to make sure that you don't put yourself or your children at any risk.

Even if there isn't physical violence towards you, there's obviously been emotional trauma and Women's Aid can help and advise you in these circumstances too, as it's still a form of abuse towards you. Women's Aid must see this kind of thing regularly. I would contact them, either by phone, or by turning up at a Women's Aid centre and asking for support to plan for asking your long term partner to leave.

I know just how good Women's Aid staff are at supporting you to do these things and they will offer you follow-up support too, if you need it, in the form of counselling - including for your children, if their issues are linked to this relationship.

I know you wanted advice from here, but I'd strongly recommend that you take advice from workers who help people with this stuff day in and day out

[VR6eDub]

The simple answer is just to tell him its over, maybe leave him a note if telling him face to face seems to stressful. just get if over and done with then breathe a huge sigh of relief and get on with your life :-) x

I can relate somewhat because i've been in a relationship I didn't want to be in but was too scared to end it so carried on unhappily and when it finally ended I thought why the hell didn't I do that ages ago. Is another 6 months of stress and pain worth it for the sake of one awkward moment of telling him to its over?

[Kitri]

^ from what the OP hinted at I don't think it's that easy to be honest.

hyperactive111 I agree with ILMC and would contact Women's Aid for advise and help. Obviously you do have concerns and are scared to do it, also as you have split up in the past and 'taken him back' I assume you have a very good idea as to what will happen if you try. Some partners can be very controlling and manipulative, using emotional blackmail or are getting violent in order to get their partner back. I think especially the manipulative side can be very tricky and make people cave in only to regret it again later.

Do contact Women's Aid, I'm sure they'll give you good advise and support on all levels when it comes to difficulties with ending a relationship. Best of luck!

[hyperactive111]

the background to this is my partner cheated on me when i was pregnant with our first child who is now 21 (i wasnt aware of it then ) we went on to have another two children together and were reasonably happy (i must stress there has been no violence from him ).5 years ago this november a girl knocked on my door ,she was my partners daughter from the one night stand he had when i was pregnant.
initially he denied it but after meeting with the girl (at his mums house ,without me present) i demanded a dna test and we saw a solicitor together to sort this out although the girls mum and his daughter refused to play ball.he kept insisting the girl wasnt his at this point btw.
after a few days of him denying it and the mum texting me how and when it all happened ,i threw him out (my kids could not accept what he had done to me all them years ago )and this is where it all got messy .
my kids refused anything to do with him by this point and my so called partner met the mother to discuss the situation (again without me knowing until afterwards ) it came out accidently .in the few weeks that followed there was so many rows and nasty texts from the mother demanding he saw thier child that i got a solicitor to warn her off me because my partner wasnt living with me then .i started a claim for benefits on my own and tried to plod on but his family turned on me and my kids for " rejecting " him in his hour of need .this led to violence towards my then 15 year old daughter and 17 year old son who are the most quietest kids you will ever meet.
the violence happened because i approached his mum because he was texting me saying he loved me and the kids but his aunty told me he was in a relationship with the mother and he had accepted the girl as his ,his two sisters were at the house when i went up and my son and daughter walked past that way from school and saw me there and obviously came to see why i was there and thats when they attacked my lovely kids.
there is too much after this to explain so i will do it gradually ,how hes a liar ,a thief and played everybody off against each other for his own benefit.he has always denied he was in a relationship with the mother although he did "bond" with the daughter for a few weeks until he basically dumped her when he couldnt cope with her .this girl has made my life a living hell sending things through the post ,ringing the house,mobiles ,texting ,throwing things at the windows.so much has come out gradually about him because they have moved one street up from us and work at my local shops.
we got back together on the pretext of no lies and sticking together but alas i have found out too much of what hes capable off ,we cant stay together because feeling bitter and depressed about it all is taking its toll on everybody .

[few screws loose]

You split with him before so you can do it again, you have it in you. Pack his bags when he's out, change the locks, and when he comes back knocking on the door give him his bags and tell him not to come back. You can do it. DON'T believe a word he says again and change your number. Once he's gone his daughter will follow suit - peace and quiet.

[The Third Policeman]

Drama consumes, I feel for you and I hope you do what's best for you.

[diplodocus]

Originally Posted by Kitri

^ from what the OP hinted at I don't think it's that easy to be honest.

hyperactive111 I agree with ILMC and would contact Women's Aid for advise and help. Obviously you do have concerns and are scared to do it, also as you have split up in the past and 'taken him back' I assume you have a very good idea as to what will happen if you try. Some partners can be very controlling and manipulative, using emotional blackmail or are getting violent in order to get their partner back. I think especially the manipulative side can be very tricky and make people cave in only to regret it again later.

Do contact Women's Aid, I'm sure they'll give you good advise and support on all levels when it comes to difficulties with ending a relationship. Best of luck!

Yeah I agree with Kitri and ILMC. Violence isn't just physical either it can be mental and verbal abuse. Emotional blackmail is often used. Women's Aid can definitely help. My mum worked for them for a number of years and they are really good at what they do. A lot of the women there once they were out of the relationship slowly start to recover and it amazes them at how much they were manipulated by these men and brainwashed to a certain extent without realising. I'd definitely advise contacting them.

Good luck

[I Love My Cats]

Originally Posted by diplodocus

Yeah I agree with Kitri and ILMC. Violence isn't just physical either it can be mental and verbal abuse. Emotional blackmail is often used. Women's Aid can definitely help. My mum worked for them for a number of years and they are really good at what they do. A lot of the women there once they were out of the relationship slowly start to recover and it amazes them at how much they were manipulated by these men and brainwashed to a certain extent without realising. I'd definitely advise contacting them.

Good luck

Yup - Thats a really good post by Diplo and offers really good advice. My experience as someone that's had to work alongside Women's Aid before is that Women's Aid offer advice, regardless of a presence of domestic violence. There's a whole catalogue of manipulation and deviousness shown by your partner in the information you've provided and I'm so sorry that you've had to go through all of that I'm sure theres also a hell of a lot more stuff gone on that you haven't put up too I don't think it's any wonder that you're absolutely drained and have no energy left to fight. However, his history of cheating and the threats and the ongoing crap being dished out by himself, his ex partner and his child is just horrendous. You speak as if you're not thinking very clearly, but you still know what you have to do (i.e. you know what needs to happen - but actually doing it seems a mammoth task). Women's Aid can help you get a list drawn up of everything you have to do and help you to prioritise it, so you're planned, prepared and in control - which is everything that you currently feel is beyond you. That doesn't mean that you'll need to be associated with them for years. Possibly one conversation with someone could be all you need. I'd strongly advise you that Women's Aid is your best way forward as they can also help you with all of the "What ifs" that will be floating through your head and possibly blurring all of the information for you (i.e. what if he refuses to leave?, what if further threats or hassle start?, what if there are financial implications?, what if you later feel you can't cope without him?).

You probably have a lot more strength in you than you realise - you just need someone's help to organise what you need to do

[hyperactive111]

thanks everyone .i do need help i know that because for some reason i cant do it again.i say the words in my head but after watching what my kids went through financially and emotionally it stops me saying how i really feel but the stupid thing is me and the kids can cope so whats stopping me ?