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  #1  
Old 11th February 2018, 16:06
Rollerball Rollerball is offline
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Default Social Anxiety/Mental Health

I have posted on here before and found the feedback to be somewhat helpful so her goes again, sorry if I repeat myself from previous posts but I am going to say what's on my mind.

Firstly social interaction, social situations, social anxiety. The other day I was coming out of my house and I noticed that my neighbour was pulling of her driveway in her car. I turned to lock my front door and double checked it, I always have to do this. By the time I turned round I noticed she had waved, I did wave back but I don't think she saw me as she had already driven past.

Around two weeks later I came out of y front door and noticed again the lady with her daughter in the car looking at me so I locked my door and made very clear I waved and kept my hand in the air for some time, the lady just looked to her right and then drove off without even an acknowledgment. Up until this point we always said hello or waved and now all of a sudden nothing. This I took as a rejection and I do not deal with this very well particularly if I make the effort in the first place. I am now less likely to want to wave anymore in fear of the same thing happening. I think it was because she thought I ignored her when she waved at me and the smallest of things can start something like this off with neighbours.

Next thing, socialising, basically my wife is an extravert, has a huge number of friends work colleagues and is a very busy person professionally and personally. I am the opposite, like my home, have a few friends and like to stay in more than go out. I also like relaxed, measured people around me who listen and not loud, ego filled people who do not listen and only want to talk about themselves. I find that all too frequently my wife will arrange things for her to do and indeed us to do and the let me know. this causes problems as normally I will react to being put in uncomfortable positions where she wants to socialise with people she hasn't seen for a while due to having so many friends and wanting to please everyone, and I am not too bothered as I am not convinced these people are my friends but in fact friends of my wife.

Sometimes when we go out, I just don't want to be there, we even go out for meals and it costs me money even though I am not enjoying it. People must pick up on my body language or tone of voice I am not sure, I try to mask it but I am not very good at doing that, I call a spade a spade, I tell it how it is, no small talk. I don't' believe in being friendly to people who I feel are not interested in being friends with me for who I am and not through association with my wife. I left the town where I grew up to move to be with my wife and we got married. I am not one for large groups of friends never have been but I do enjoy going out for a drink and watching sport sometimes and live music etc.

At times I think, should I just knock all this on the head, sod the friends, surely I have to be taken for who I am, I don't want to argue all the time, I do not wish to be placed in uncomfortable situations that stress me out. I try and talk about it I have mentioned this but I can see how quickly it takes for my wife to loose concentration and treat it all in a blasé way. I have no problem with her doing as she wishes and socialising when she wishes. Just respect the fact that I am different and I have not changed one bit since we married five years ago.
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  #2  
Old 14th March 2018, 16:25
Rollerball Rollerball is offline
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Default Re: Social Anxiety/Mental Health

186 views and not one response, surely someone can empathise with these scenarios?
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  #3  
Old 14th March 2018, 23:57
choirgirl choirgirl is offline
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Default Re: Social Anxiety/Mental Health

Maybe just go to some, but not all of the things she wants you to go to, and explain why? Aren't you supposed to compromise? But I'm sure married SAers can give more helpful advice.
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  #4  
Old 15th March 2018, 01:12
gregarious_introvert gregarious_introvert is offline
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Default Re: Social Anxiety/Mental Health

You say that your wife is a very busy person professionally and personally and that some of her socialising is with work colleagues; are some of these social events and dinners which you have to attend things which will help her with her career? If so, could you find a way to make them more bearable so that you can support her? Perhaps it would be a workable compromise for you to attend the work-related functions and not the purely social ones.

You mention that these are your wife's friends and not yours, therefore have no interest in being friends with you for who you are, but the likelihood is that, if they like your wife, they will want to like you. You don't have to be anyone you're not - if you're introverted, that's fine and they should accept that, but if you can bring yourself to be a little less cynical about their motivation, perhaps your body language will change and you'll find the limited social exchange you have more cordial.

With regard to your neighbour, I would continue waving (although I would probably make it a brief raising of the hand, something non-committal and not overly obvious; it's unfortunate in a sense that you didn't see your neighbour to talk to during those two weeks, or you could have said that you did wave but were caught unawares whilst locking the door. It's even possible that the time your neighbour didn't wave back, she had something on her mind or her daughter was talking to her, or whatever (I know you said she was looking at you, but I often get accused of looking at people when I'm lost in thought and staring absent-mindedly). Anyway, I would continue as you have always done unless your neighbour indicates that she has a problem with you, which I doubt she has.
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  #5  
Old 15th March 2018, 11:50
snoo snoo is offline
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Default Re: Social Anxiety/Mental Health

I totally empathise with this and I could say I am remarkably similar, even down to the partner having all the friends and having our social occasions set. On occasions I have found myself not being arsed about going but have done anyway, I am sure you know the feeling.

There are quite a few social situations which I think mirror yours and they prey on my mind a bit, from people blanking me, or being rude. Some of them are on a forum as well, for example posting and then no-one replying.

I think most people don't mean it, so tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. In the case of the neighbour perhaps she was distracted. Or she could have ignored you because she thought you ignored her last time. Either way if you get back into waving regularity this blip may be forgotten.
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