Seems the darkness has spread

[Spuggy]

I have 2 teen daughters, 15 and 13 and ever since they were born, even before actually Id hoped that they would manage to avoid the deeply negative emotions that have plagued me since my early teens.

Well, it seems my eldest is struggling with very similar inner demon(s).

We noticed she was self harming shortly after returning to school after lockdown.

It seemed to have ceased after 12 months but has began again at the end of 2023. Weve since found out why and as a family are trying desperately to work through it and to help her in anyway we can.

Witnessing the dark moods, facing the accompanying darker attitudes to things and the feelings of sheer helplessness as a parent are awful and a 24/7 struggle to cope with.

We have witnessed at first hand as she has transitioned from a very dark, moody episode and into a smiley brighter, happy person all within a few minutes and its quite something to behold. She's suddenly talkative, funny, nice, communicative and positive, just as youd hope your child to be.

To see your little girl come back for a while is amazing but the speed at which she can be overtaken again is just as stunning and its a very stark change.

On one hand shes looking forward to her future and doing things with friends, especially a planned holiday with her bestie and family to New York when she's 16, and yet on the other she's contemplating the next time she can get her hands on enough tablets to end it all. Its crazy.


It saddens me deeply to be seeing what seems to be a similar reflection of me when I was her age. She seems so tortured in her own space(s) but free and happy and up for fun when with friends. Bless her little face.

Sorry, just needed to write it. I tried to keep it short. :P

[Amara 94]

Idk if this is a useful question. But do you have an idea of where the moods might stem from?

[Dougella]

Has your daughter had professional help and has she been referred to CAMHS? Because it's really important that she has the right kind of help and support as well as family.

Also her knowing that she doesn't't have to continue to feel these dark thoughts and moods and that it is possible to recover is important(I am proof that it's possible, I struggled very badly for a long time since my teens with depression without even really knowing that that's what it was. But in my 30s I gradually started to feel better and now I rarely have those dark thoughts. Medication, therapy and self compassion have all helped with this.)

[Merry]

So sorry that your girl is struggling Spuggy, watching our children suffer with anything is worse than suffering ourselves

I have a 16 and a 17 year old. Both boys. My eldest went through a difficult time after lockdown, I think lockdown itself affected him as he went through puberty at the time and that cohort of kids went from childhood to young adulthood in isolation.
It's like their childhood just stopped and when everything started opening up in the world, they couldn't go back to who they were because they had grown up too much.

I don't really have any advice, except don't withdraw from a withdrawn teen. Sometimes I think adults feel uncomfortable and anxious about teenage boundaries and wanting to make sure they have space. My eldest can be withdrawn a lot, I don't really ask much of him, but I make sure I cuddle him a lot, even though he's 6'3 and towers over me! Talking is a bit useless because I'm rubbish at it and he's a teenager, so I just am always doing little things for him and making sure that I cuddle him often, or ruffle his hair, or just anything that shows I love him.
I don't know if I'm making much sense but basically...don't wait for permission to show you love them, ignore their signals of wanting to be left alone, they need lots of love and care. Life is tough. Also try to take any expectations away, including expectations to be pleasant in company etc. They don't half get pressure piled on them through the teenage years, I try to make sure my kids know that nothing is as important as them feeling ok. Does she know your own struggles? Knowing how you struggle but are also ok might help. Everyone struggles with life

I hope things begin to settle soon. Hormones can be a nightmare too (I still suffer from fluctuating depression linked to my hormonal cycle) and everything just feels so much more intense when you're young. Hopefully the spring and summer will help too, if she can get out more with friends.

[Spuggy]

Originally Posted by Amara 94

Idk if this is a useful question. But do you have an idea of where the moods might stem from?

Yes, we found out something pretty terrible which we believe is the root of her trauma. Something we're trying to work through atm.

[Spuggy]

Originally Posted by Dougella

Has your daughter had professional help and has she been referred to CAMHS? Because it's really important that she has the right kind of help and support as well as family.

Also her knowing that she doesn't't have to continue to feel these dark thoughts and moods and that it is possible to recover is important(I am proof that it's possible, I struggled very badly for a long time since my teens with depression without even really knowing that that's what it was. But in my 30s I gradually started to feel better and now I rarely have those dark thoughts. Medication, therapy and self compassion have all helped with this.)

Yes, she is seeing CAMHS on a weekly basis now and also has a weekly get together with her schools safe guarding teacher, someone she has connected positively with as it happens.

Im glad to hear of your positive change in your own life. I can only imagine the difference it has made for you

[Spuggy]

Originally Posted by Merry

So sorry that your girl is struggling Spuggy, watching our children suffer with anything is worse than suffering ourselves

Thankyou, it really is and it seems to haunt ever waking hour doesnt it?

Originally Posted by Merry

I have a 16 and a 17 year old. Both boys. My eldest went through a difficult time after lockdown, I think lockdown itself affected him as he went through puberty at the time and that cohort of kids went from childhood to young adulthood in isolation.
It's like their childhood just stopped and when everything started opening up in the world, they couldn't go back to who they were because they had grown up too much.

I do believe lockdown had a severe impact on children at all levels, esp the teenagers. Without knowing it, they pickup allsorts of knowledge and skills from the playground at this age that help them through this very awkward phase. Simply seeing their peers with the same woes helps them to understand themselves better. Lockdown robbed them of this very valuable stage causing no-end of anxiety related issues.

I heard so many stories from teachers just after lockdown telling me how they were managing record numbers of children being unable to cope with school and suffering from anxiety issues. It has had such an impact on our young ones and I believe there has not been enough said about it.

Originally Posted by Merry

I don't really have any advice, except don't withdraw from a withdrawn teen. Sometimes I think adults feel uncomfortable and anxious about teenage boundaries and wanting to make sure they have space. My eldest can be withdrawn a lot, I don't really ask much of him, but I make sure I cuddle him a lot, even though he's 6'3 and towers over me! Talking is a bit useless because I'm rubbish at it and he's a teenager, so I just am always doing little things for him and making sure that I cuddle him often, or ruffle his hair, or just anything that shows I love him.
I don't know if I'm making much sense but basically...don't wait for permission to show you love them, ignore their signals of wanting to be left alone, they need lots of love and care. Life is tough. Also try to take any expectations away, including expectations to be pleasant in company etc. They don't half get pressure piled on them through the teenage years, I try to make sure my kids know that nothing is as important as them feeling ok.

Thankyou for your reply, it made perfect sense

Reading about your children, it mirrors pretty much our own attitude and behaviours towards our teenage daughters too, esp our eldest who is struggling right now.

Youre so right about being persistent. Im struggling to ignore my eldest who constantly tells the minute I walk into her room, 'Get out of my rooooom!'. I usually walk away not wanting to upset her further and yet feel I've let her down by not offering some affection or much needed attention. Ive really got to get past that bit. Thankyou, you are so right with this!

Originally Posted by Merry

Does she know your own struggles? Knowing how you struggle but are also ok might help. Everyone struggles with life

You know, I've not wanted or given thought to discuss my own struggles and I suppose it because I dont want to show my own 'weakness' or to to fill her head with my trouble(s) given where she is at atm. However on I guess sharing my own experiences could possibly help her to understand that I know where she is at?! hhhmmm

Originally Posted by Merry

I hope things begin to settle soon. Hormones can be a nightmare too (I still suffer from fluctuating depression linked to my hormonal cycle) and everything just feels so much more intense when you're young. Hopefully the spring and summer will help too, if she can get out more with friends.

Thankyou again, your reply was hugely welcomed. Yes, lets hope for you too that the onset of Spring and Summer brings us some positivity (if it ever stops raining that is ;p).

[Tembo]

Hope things turn around for you and your family Spuggy!

Can’t really give any advice as I have no parenting experience. However I suppose it’s worth thinking that teenagers often come out the other side as well-rounded individuals. We thought my cousin might end up going down a bad path. Constantly arguing, hanging out with the wrong crowd and even getting in trouble with the police, but has ended up a really decent individual. Not comparing her to your kids obviously, but my point is there is light at the end of the tunnel. And it sounds like you’re a parent who really cares, so that’s all the matters! I do hope you get all the support you need though.
I work with children, and there’s some parents who clearly don’t care and it really upsets me.