Not wanting to talk to new people, especially those you will never see again

pheys · #1 22nd July 2014, 08:03

overly long title alert lol

okay, so two agent staff this week, two young ladies.
they are friendly enough and want to chat but as I won't see them after the end of this week; I have total apathy towards talking to them.
It isn't really fear; I just don't really care what they have to say.

The guys and girls who DO work for my company I can happily chat to about anything, even if I haven't seen them before

I don't really know why this is.
Do you think it is remnants of my SA saying "don't bother"?
Could it be the 5htp I take which I hear brings a lot of apathy about everything?
could it be something else?

has anyone else had anything familiar?

tallyn78 · #2 22nd July 2014, 09:01

I get this all the time. I often go out walking and I hate the thought of having to make smalltalk with people I will never see again. I just think 'why bother' having a fake conversation what I feel about the weather just to look polite!!! Although I was told by a therapist guy that this was me covering up my fear of speaking with indifference, but I just don't know about that!

rudster · #3 22nd July 2014, 11:36

I suppose it could be interpreted as avoidance behaviour, but if you're genuinely not interested in what they have to say then it sounds perfectly 'normal' to me.

After a lot of therapy, I have learned that I can no longer tolerate judgemental and bitchy people. Unfortunately, that includes me parents! LOL

Clayman · #4 22nd July 2014, 11:54

why would you invest effort in building a relationship with someone who is only going to be around for a short period and that you probably won't ever see again, unless you were wanting to keep in touch with them after they leave. Sounds like you are more committed to maintaining long term relationships with your existing work colleagues and there is nothing wrong with that. I think it's just a smart way of using your time more efficiently. I would much rather put my time and effort into relationships with people who are committed to the organisation's objectives.

In business it's nothing personal and the 2 ladies you are talking about probably know that. Most people who temp, in my experience, are actually more focussed on finding full time work in a career that they like so temping for them is just a way to fill in a gap in between full time employment.

Hope I don't come off sounding too cruel.

Progress · #5 22nd July 2014, 15:23

I'm not particularly interested in a lot of people. For me it's a cause of SA not a symptom because I can find conversation difficult. I have to work hard sometimes to make conversation. But like Clayman says, maybe it's possible to just be quiet and be happy that way.

girlinterrupted · #6 22nd July 2014, 15:34

I find myself disinterested in a lot of people too,and often can`t be bothered to have to `make the effort` with them. I guess some of it could be a self-protection instinct built up over the decades,starting off as avoiding SA and then just becoming habit,or maybe it`s because it is an effort to me- being around people,friendships,relationships etc. Social interaction on any level can actually be quite draining for me,even things and people I enjoy so I guess my brain goes into input/output mode and decides often that it would be a lot of output on my part with not much return (i.e. never seeing that person again). That`s not to say I don`t make small talk,I do and I`m actually quite chatty if someone speaks to me but I tend not to instigate the contact or go out of my way to.

Focused · #7 22nd July 2014, 17:42

I suppose for me it helps avoid rumination.

redcard · #8 22nd July 2014, 18:05

I think it's convenient to ignore them on the premise that you'll never see then again.

I'm sure we all have a number of reasons for ignoring someone, and that's because its usually easier to do that than it is to take a chance at making a friendship

pheys · #9 22nd July 2014, 18:59

Thanks for three replies guys.
I was feeling pretty bad about it for some reason.

But it makes sense, I take a week or so to warm up to people (if at all) and thus I see little point in befriending people I won't see again.

perhaps this is a little harsh but it how I am.

Z. · #10 22nd July 2014, 19:49

Yeah I can relate to a lot of the things on here. For me, I'm indifferent to lots of people and I only warm up to a small minority who I seem to get along with. I guess it's because I don't really have much in common with or share the same beliefs and outlook as most of the people I meet in my day to day life. I think that apathy is related to my introversion, but I think a lot of the time it can seem quite rude.

Lifebuoy · #11 22nd July 2014, 20:08

I don't think you should be complacent about this. You don't have to commit to having chats with other people, but it is important to be friendly. All it takes is to look them in the eye, and at the same time as smiling, say 'Hi'. You will get a friendly response back and that in itself is therapeutic for your SA. By speaking, you are testing your automatic assumption that other people are a problem for you... and the feedback from them will indicate that your assumption is incorrect. You smile and say 'Hi', they smile and say 'Hi'.... that's a successful social interaction. That all helps to diminish your tendency to SA.

In short, it's not an issue of 'Can't be bothered because they aren't important to me'. It is an SA issue.

Hermecto · #12 22nd July 2014, 20:22

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lifebuoy

I don't think you should be complacent about this. You don't have to commit to having chats with other people, but it is important to be friendly. All it takes is to look them in the eye, and at the same time as smiling, say 'Hi'. You will get a friendly response back and that in itself is therapeutic for your SA. By speaking, you are testing your automatic assumption that other people are a problem for you... and the feedback from them will indicate that your assumption is incorrect. You smile and say 'Hi', they smile and say 'Hi'.... that's a successful social interaction. That all helps to diminish your tendency to SA.

In short, it's not an issue of 'Can't be bothered because they aren't important to me'. It is an SA issue.

Along the same lines as this, I struck up a conversation with a complete stranger whilst at the Hospital earlier today, we had a lovely chat for about half an hour before she was called and disappeared, i'll probably never see her again; but i've felt great all day because of it spontaneously occurring purely because I made eye contact and said hello.

You are doing nothing more than short changing yourself and appearing stuck up by disregarding someone because they 'aren't worth the effort'. Maybe they would be if you spoke to them. That person could turn out to be the love of your life and has passed by and out of your life because you chose to ignore them.

Ember · #13 22nd July 2014, 22:12

I like talking to strangers, I prefer it over talking to familiar people really.

Some people do appreciate it I think, too many strangers are rude and will avoid all steps towards friendliness. Maybe I look too scary, dunno.

Lifebuoy · #14 22nd July 2014, 22:37

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hermecto

Along the same lines as this, I struck up a conversation with a complete stranger whilst at the Hospital earlier today, we had a lovely chat for about half an hour before she was called and disappeared, i'll probably never see her again; but i've felt great all day because of it spontaneously occurring purely because I made eye contact and said hello.

You are doing nothing more than short changing yourself and appearing stuck up by disregarding someone because they 'aren't worth the effort'. Maybe they would be if you spoke to them. That person could turn out to be the love of your life and has passed by and out of your life because you chose to ignore them.

What you've said here is so relevant and useful.

At the weekend I called into a tearoom attached to someone's home. There was a guy sitting and eating and I said to him 'Hi there' with a smile as I walked in to place my order. After a moment he started to chat. Then outside in the garden where I was eating, someone else sat down and I said something to them about it being great weather to be out in.... and we fell into conversation. I could have said nothing to either of them. Instead, I walked away feeling just great... I'd been nice to other people and they'd made me feel acknowledged and respected in return.

It does pay-off if you 'take a risk' and make the effort.

pheys · #15 23rd July 2014, 03:11

I don't feel like it is SA related however.
I feel genuine apathy, a "I can't be bothered" not "they won't like me".

perhaps I am lazy in social interaction (true) but I can't focus on speaking to a lot of people and much prefer smaller, closer social interactions.
its kinda like I feel like I have reached my limit of people I talk to and any more would be exhausting.
seems more like introversion than SA to me

buttonlane · #16 23rd July 2014, 09:04

It's the opposite with me.
I prefer talking to strangers knowing I won't see them again. If you mess up or I get anxious, it doesn't matter. I always make the effort to talk to strangers. I like people.

It's the individuals I have to see again that mess me up (if I've had panic attacks or general SA infront of them) because theres an expectation set up. Theyve already judged you. You never get a second chance to make first impression and all that milarky. No matter how radiant you might be without SA present. SA tends to **** things up for me. I find it difficult to put my natural self across. (with abit of hard work I hope thats temporary)

catlover · #17 23rd July 2014, 13:55

I think chatting, even over inconsequential topics, is a kind of social lubricant in that it helps people to be more comfortable with each other.

I wish I were good at chatting, because I think it does have value.

I'm very bad at it, unfortunately.

Hermecto · #18 23rd July 2014, 14:31

Phool · #19 3rd August 2014, 15:28

I get this in both directions. I am currently contracting. One is ending this week. Even though these have both bern year long contracts, I can see why certain people can't be that bothered to get to know me and likewise I just can't be bothered to get to know everyone. I find there is too much interaction with this role and I have stopped going to unnecessary meetings or making idle small talk with people I don't care about. My previous contract was easier as I didn't have to interact with others so much.

I think in your situation you can be polite and say hello and then leave it. No need to extend conversation that isn't work related. It's harsh but reality is most people don't have the time energy or inclination to talk to everyone.

buttonlane · #20 3rd August 2014, 16:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by buttonlane

It's the individuals I have to see again that mess me up (if I've had panic attacks or general SA infront of them) because theres an expectation set up. Theyve already judged you. You never get a second chance to make first impression and all that milarky. No matter how radiant you might be without SA present. SA tends to **** things up for me. I find it difficult to put my natural self across. (with abit of hard work I hope thats temporary)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cynic

Exactly, especially in a group situation where they suss out a new target.

No, thats not what I was talking about. People only 'suss out a new target' if they're chavs. I tend to hang with decent people so that doesn't happen. I wasn't talking about being a victim of someones aggressive behaviour I was talking about people reacting negatively to anothers anxiety. ie/SA makes others feel uncomfortable and compels them to want to get the **** away from you. SA is a people repellent. At least with Males it is.